First, let me clarify that Lovebug is still hanging at our place and tearing the house apart! Sorry about the lack of updates! I got a new job, I have this thing called a one year old...life has been a little busy!
Let me catch you up on all the happenings in our foster world. First, nothing has changed...and everything has changed. Lovebug is still in our home, and has been. There was a brief (and I mean, one week) period where visits moved from supervised to semisupervised. In foster world terms, that indicates a change in the status of the case, towards reunification.
The change didn't last long, and things were moved back before the end of October. So, while Lovebug's biological parents still have time to work towards reunification, in December we attended a court hearing where a trial date was set for termination of parental rights (tpr).
So, at the end of February, we will attend a day long trial to cover the history of the case and evidence will be presented for the judge to determine if every reasonable effort was made to reunify the family. The judge most likely will not decide that day whether to terminate or not. Typically it takes 30-60 days to get a ruling. Once that ruling comes, if it is to terminate, there will be one more visit for goodbyes to be said.
After that happens, the kids' lawyer (their guardian ad litem) will give permission for things while paperwork is processed to put them into the adoption phase. Dan and I, and the foster parent who has the boys, will go into the running to adopt the children.
But all of that is still many months away.
For now, we are enjoying a little 15-month old beauty with no fear and a level of smarts I'm astounded by everyday. She knows some colors, lots of words and can climb with the best of them!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
The First Call: Questions to Ask Iowa KidsNet
I had mentioned in a previous post that during our PS-MAPP class, I had put together a list of questions to ask when we got our first phone call. Since Lovebug was an emergency placement that was only expected to stay for a few days to a week, I didn't end up using the sheet for her call. And since we're only ready for one little at this point, I haven't used the questions since.
But none-the-less, I think they are useful. I have a copy on my computer at work, on my Google drive (which I can access from my phone) and a printed copy in our family binder (more on that soon).
Here's the list of questions Dan and I decided were important to know in advance, when possible. Keep in mind, when children go into care (especially if it's an emergency removal), they don't always have all the answers to these questions. They will give you whatever information they have, when you ask the questions. There are some things, like race/ethnicity, that you must ask, if it matters to you. Discrimination laws prevent them from stating that information outright.
But none-the-less, I think they are useful. I have a copy on my computer at work, on my Google drive (which I can access from my phone) and a printed copy in our family binder (more on that soon).
Here's the list of questions Dan and I decided were important to know in advance, when possible. Keep in mind, when children go into care (especially if it's an emergency removal), they don't always have all the answers to these questions. They will give you whatever information they have, when you ask the questions. There are some things, like race/ethnicity, that you must ask, if it matters to you. Discrimination laws prevent them from stating that information outright.
Name
Age:
Sex:
Age/DOB:
Race:
Legal Status:
Reason for Removal:
If abuse- what kind of abuse, severity:
Previous Placements or Parents History with DHS:
Siblings- How many, ages and status:
Physical Disabilities or Special Needs and Services Provided:
Social Delays/Disabilities and Services Provided:
Dietary Needs:
Health Needs (allergies, medications, etc.):
Permanency Plan/Expected Length of Stay:
Details on Visits with Birth Parents/Social Workers (supervised, length and frequency, child’s reaction, ect):
Expectations with Birth Parents:
Are they attending daycare- where and when:
Is there anything I’ve forgotten that would be important to know for caring for this child:
Hope this is helpful for someone! Soon I'll be compiling a section for tools on this blog, and it will include things like this, our Family Binder, organizing Lovebug's paperwork, etc. Come back soon and check it out!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Baby Veronica: My Take
Disclaimer: I don't have experience with ICWA, or full-blown adoption, even (yet). All I know is what it feels like to want to be a parent, to be gifted that opportunity, and to fear that it will be taken away from me. It is with that knowledge that I comment on this story.
Have you heard about Baby Veronica? I'm going to give you a run-down of the case (which has been ruled on by the Supreme Court already), as I understand it.
Baby Veronica (Baby V) was conceived by a woman and a man out of wedlock. Birth dad signed away his rights, and birth mom ultimately felt it was best that she be placed up for open adoption. Birth mom found a couple who were more than willing to involve birth mom in Baby V's life, and Baby V went to live with adoptive parents.
Before the adoption was finalized, birth dad reappears. He wants Baby V back, and says that he never would have signed his rights away if he had known that birth mom was going to give her up for adoption. The South Carolina court system ruled in favor of birth dad, and sent Baby V to live with him at the age of 2.
How? Well, he capitalized on a law designed to protect the rights of Native Americans, and to keep Native American children in touch with their culture (Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA). He claimed that because he was part Cherokee, so was Baby V, and she should remain with her Cherokee family. Birth father, who had never practiced his Cherokee roots, or belonged to a tribe, sent his blood in to be tested, and also Baby V's. Baby V's results said she was 3/256th's Cherokee.
The adoptive parents have fought, hard, for two years. At the South Carolina court, the ruling was overturned on appeal, and Baby V was ordered back to her adoptive parents. The fight continued to the Supreme Court, and a ruling was issued in June, again ordering Baby V back to her adoptive parents.
But still, Baby V has remained on Cherokee land, protected by Cherokee marshals, in Oklahoma. Her birth father was arrested in August for "interference with custodial acts". But still, Baby V remains in his custody. Yesterday, the Oklahoma courts ruled in favor of birth dad, and has ordered an emergency stay to keep Baby V where she is.
As you can probably sense, I side with the adoptive parents on this one. I can't say if I would feel differently if birth father was a practicing member of the Cherokee nation, and had been his whole life. But the way ICWA has been used in this case is really disturbing to me. It's almost as if the law is being used in the exact opposite way it was intended, and has stripped a child from a home she knew and loved, only to be catapulted into a tug of war.
As a future adoptive parent, I can assure you this is one of my worst nightmares. As a foster parent, I recognize the primary goal of reunification, and support it when it's possible. There are parents who make mistakes, who truly want and love their children, and who do whatever it takes to get them back. But when reunification isn't possible, and adoption is the next best option, why is blood more important than the home a child has grown up in?
This question hits home for me, as we inch slowly closer to signs of adoption. Now, instead of "when is Lovebug going home?", our questions tend to be more like "do you think they will find some distant relative and decide that person is a better fit than us?" I can't imagine spending two years raising Lovebug, going to adoption, and then being told that an aunt or uncle, who's never spent time with this child or called to check in, or requested a visit at all, is being chosen over my family to adopt the baby I love.
I have no doubt that Baby V's birth father loves her, and at this point, knows her well and she probably loves him too. But just because his heart pumps blood that matches hers, doesn't mean the adoptive parents' hearts are pumping less love because their blood doesn't match.
-Jenn
Have you heard about Baby Veronica? I'm going to give you a run-down of the case (which has been ruled on by the Supreme Court already), as I understand it.
Baby Veronica (Baby V) was conceived by a woman and a man out of wedlock. Birth dad signed away his rights, and birth mom ultimately felt it was best that she be placed up for open adoption. Birth mom found a couple who were more than willing to involve birth mom in Baby V's life, and Baby V went to live with adoptive parents.
Before the adoption was finalized, birth dad reappears. He wants Baby V back, and says that he never would have signed his rights away if he had known that birth mom was going to give her up for adoption. The South Carolina court system ruled in favor of birth dad, and sent Baby V to live with him at the age of 2.
How? Well, he capitalized on a law designed to protect the rights of Native Americans, and to keep Native American children in touch with their culture (Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA). He claimed that because he was part Cherokee, so was Baby V, and she should remain with her Cherokee family. Birth father, who had never practiced his Cherokee roots, or belonged to a tribe, sent his blood in to be tested, and also Baby V's. Baby V's results said she was 3/256th's Cherokee.
The adoptive parents have fought, hard, for two years. At the South Carolina court, the ruling was overturned on appeal, and Baby V was ordered back to her adoptive parents. The fight continued to the Supreme Court, and a ruling was issued in June, again ordering Baby V back to her adoptive parents.
But still, Baby V has remained on Cherokee land, protected by Cherokee marshals, in Oklahoma. Her birth father was arrested in August for "interference with custodial acts". But still, Baby V remains in his custody. Yesterday, the Oklahoma courts ruled in favor of birth dad, and has ordered an emergency stay to keep Baby V where she is.
As you can probably sense, I side with the adoptive parents on this one. I can't say if I would feel differently if birth father was a practicing member of the Cherokee nation, and had been his whole life. But the way ICWA has been used in this case is really disturbing to me. It's almost as if the law is being used in the exact opposite way it was intended, and has stripped a child from a home she knew and loved, only to be catapulted into a tug of war.
As a future adoptive parent, I can assure you this is one of my worst nightmares. As a foster parent, I recognize the primary goal of reunification, and support it when it's possible. There are parents who make mistakes, who truly want and love their children, and who do whatever it takes to get them back. But when reunification isn't possible, and adoption is the next best option, why is blood more important than the home a child has grown up in?
This question hits home for me, as we inch slowly closer to signs of adoption. Now, instead of "when is Lovebug going home?", our questions tend to be more like "do you think they will find some distant relative and decide that person is a better fit than us?" I can't imagine spending two years raising Lovebug, going to adoption, and then being told that an aunt or uncle, who's never spent time with this child or called to check in, or requested a visit at all, is being chosen over my family to adopt the baby I love.
I have no doubt that Baby V's birth father loves her, and at this point, knows her well and she probably loves him too. But just because his heart pumps blood that matches hers, doesn't mean the adoptive parents' hearts are pumping less love because their blood doesn't match.
-Jenn
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
11 Months Old Today!
This darling little baby who came to us as a little, droopy, sick 4.5 month old is now a healthy (sometimes raspy and snotty) 11 months old today! She's crawling (sometimes faster than I can get off the couch to stop her), she's smiling, and babbling, and playing with everything (including the strings, cat fur balls and various other gross items she can pull out of no where).
She says 'MomMomMom' when she wants me, and every kid in the store is 'BeeBee!'
Ask her who DaDa is and she points to Dan and grins (still won't say it, no matter how often he tries to coach her!)
Tell her 'Say hi!' or 'Say bye-bye' and she waves. Sometimes she'll even make a noise that sounds like 'Hi!'
She's transitioning to milk, starting yesterday. And she eats almost anything you put in front of her...except for my homemade peach rice cereal and the microwaved scrambled egg from this morning.
She loves her walker, and climbing stairs with help. She'll even walk next to you if you hold her hand...but don't ask her to do it by herself!
And she even wears little shoes (mostly to please bio-mom)!
She says 'MomMomMom' when she wants me, and every kid in the store is 'BeeBee!'
Ask her who DaDa is and she points to Dan and grins (still won't say it, no matter how often he tries to coach her!)
Tell her 'Say hi!' or 'Say bye-bye' and she waves. Sometimes she'll even make a noise that sounds like 'Hi!'
She's transitioning to milk, starting yesterday. And she eats almost anything you put in front of her...except for my homemade peach rice cereal and the microwaved scrambled egg from this morning.
She loves her walker, and climbing stairs with help. She'll even walk next to you if you hold her hand...but don't ask her to do it by herself!
And she even wears little shoes (mostly to please bio-mom)!
Case update: There isn't one. We have been advised to continue planning her birthday party, and encouraged to think about Halloween costumes. As far as I know, there are no meetings or any other important dates that could signify movement on this case until December, when the court will hold a permanency hearing.
We'll keep you posted!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Danger in Building Relationships with Bios
In five days, we will have had Lovebug for six months. Six hard, awesome, amazing, scary, thrilling, lovely months.
Someday, I know that will feel really amazing to hear. Today, it makes me cry and want to shut down completely. As if, by NOT communicating, by NOT assisting with things, it will somehow make sending Lovebug home easier. Logically, I know that's not the truth.
Three weeks ago, if you had asked me where this was going, I would have told you it wasn't likely they were going home. Sad for bio mom and dad, but good for us.
This week, it's a different story. Lately, there seems to be a definite shift with bio-Mom. Bio-dad...eh...but bio-Mom seems to be pulling herself together.
I have always said that bio-mom would be a great parent, if she could cut a few things out of her life and get her head on straight. She loves her kids, she's smart, she's kind. I've always said that if she could cut those things out, I could feel good about sending Lovebug home.
Well, that's a lot easier said when things aren't going well. Today, as it's becoming evident that those things are being cut out, and that she may be making permanent changes for the better in her life, I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea of Lovebug going home. For the first time since this case started, I'm finding myself dealing with the reality that Lovebug may not be the baby we're meant to have. And that we may have to start this journey over again in a few months/next year. And the truth is, that breaks my heart.
Bio-Mom promises to keep in touch, to keep us a part of Lovebug's life once she goes home. She can't imagine being in our shoes, doing what we do. She says we have helped change her life, and she makes all the other people she knows with kids in foster care jealous when she talks about us and how we work with her.
Someday, I know that will feel really amazing to hear. Today, it makes me cry and want to shut down completely. As if, by NOT communicating, by NOT assisting with things, it will somehow make sending Lovebug home easier. Logically, I know that's not the truth.
This may just be a phase, and that there's a distinct possibility that in a few more weeks, things will go back to the way they were. But today, these feelings are real, and difficult to process.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Breakfast Time
Mornings are hard in my house. I'm trying a variety of things to make them go easier/faster...but for some reason I just can't get out the door in a timely fashion! One of our biggest morning sticking points is breakfast. Lovebug is still too little to send her out the door munching on something in the car, and it easily takes her 10-15 minutes to get those little bits of fruit and cherrios into her mouth (and of course, into the cats' mouths as well).
I also have food issues, and I want to make sure that she's getting a healthy breakfast (and not the coffee and poptart crap I feed myself). This has actually been a really good thing, because it's forcing me to consider my eating habits, and much of what I feed her, I can actually eat myself! And so, I present Mom and Baby morning muffins!
This is actually a variation of this recipe and this one.
Banana Blueberry Oatmeal Muffins
3 eggs
1 Tablespoon vanilla extract
1 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup (I used a little less) brown sugar
2 bananas, sliced
1 cup of blueberries, fresh
5 cups of Quick Cook Oats
1 teaspoon salt
3 teaspoons baking powder
2 1/2 cup milk (I used 1%)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
In large bowl, combine eggs, vanilla and applesauce and mix well.
Add brown sugar, bananas and blueberries (or other fruit). (You can also add chocolate chips, but add them last, if you do!)
In a separate bowl, combine oats, salt, and baking powder.
Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients.
Add milk, and stir to combine.
Spray mini-muffin pan and large muffin pan (or use liners) with cooking spray.
Scoop mixture into muffin cups- I put one pan of minis and 1 pan of large in together.
Bake! I put the minis in for 20 minutes, and the larges for 35 minutes. It made 36 minis and 12 large with some left over (I could have put more batter in the large cups).
This morning, I broke one up for Lovebug and served it with some pears and apples I had steamed on Sunday as well. She loved it!
So did the cats :)
Monday, July 8, 2013
Taking the Words Out of My Mouth
There's a post I've been struggling to write. Not because it's difficult to say, necessarily, but because I feel like it's already been written for me.
I read a lot of foster/adoption blogs, and many of them express feelings and experiences similar to mine. But very few posts ring so true, and touch me so deeply, right into my inner soul, as the one I'm going to share with you in a few minutes.
Before you read it, you should know that even though the feelings expressed in this post are so true, and so right on the mark, it doesn't mean that I'll never be frustrated with things again. It doesn't mean I don't see the holes in this process, and that I don't cry and scream when things go badly. What it does mean is that everyone is human. And that you can't successfully go through an experience like fostering without becoming a bigger person.
But that doesn't mean that fostering is the only way to broaden your horizons on loving other human beings for who they are. I challenge you, after you've read this post, to question how you love your fellow humans- not just the ones you call friends and family, but the ones you'll never meet. People who struggle, who make poor choices, who hurt...
Check out That's my baby mama, a post by another foster/adoptive mom in Connecticut.
And then practice loving, and gratitude.
-Jenn
Sunday, June 9, 2013
One of "Those People"
Not one year ago I was complaining about "those people" who plan absurd, extravagant affairs for a one year old's birthday.
And I may have priced tents, popcorn makers, and other totally unnecessary items.
Someone stop me.
Or don't, and plan to attend a totally kickass one year old birthday party in September. Your choice. :)
Today, I'm looking at things like this for inspiration:
And I may have priced tents, popcorn makers, and other totally unnecessary items.
Someone stop me.
Or don't, and plan to attend a totally kickass one year old birthday party in September. Your choice. :)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Foster Care Review Boards, or, Feeling Heard (Hooray!)
First off: Today marks 4 months with Lovebug in our house! Seriously, these have been a few of the best/worst/crazy/amazing months of our lives.
Secondly: Today we attended the first meeting we've had in this process where we felt comfortable speaking freely, sharing our thoughts, and felt really heard. WOOHOO! A small bit of success in this crazy journey!
We attended the Foster Care Review Board (FCRB) meeting. The FCRB is a group of volunteers (devided by county) who get together and review foster care cases for all the kids in the county and send recommendations to the judge. They are housed under the Department of Inspections and Appeals, so they can review DHS and state attorneys without misconceptions of conflicts of interest. They review all the parties- DHS, attorneys, foster parents, birth parents, etc. To ensure that the kids are receiving the best care that they can be.
Dan and I were really nervous about this meeting at first. We had heard from other foster parents that it's intimidating and that they prefer not to attend because they feel judged and uncomfortable. Let me start by saying, we did not feel that way at all. That may be attributed to the fact that we are the only people who showed up in person (aside from the board members, obviously), but we felt very welcomed and included.
When we came in, we were greeted warmly, we introduced Lovebug and let her charm their pants off, and then we got down to business. First, we gave a very brief updated of what Lovebug was doing these days (learning to sit up on her own from a crawling position, working on learning to crawl, pull herself up, and cruise furniture). After that, the coordinator read out loud a few statements that were sent by DHS and Lovebug's attorney (who couldn't make it because of court dates for other cases). After those statements were read, we spent about half an hour discussing the case- situations that had happened, was Lovebug getting everything she needed, were there any concerns, how were her brothers around her, how was she on visits or after them, did her parents provide things at visits or what kinds of things did they do, etc. Because her brothers and their foster dad weren't able to make it, I did answer a few questions regarding them or what I understood to be the case. Nothing that I felt uncomfortable with, and only things I had concrete information to share.
Dan and I felt we were able to share important information- all of it true, concise accounts of things that had happened. I never lied, I was very careful not to let my bias interfere with what I was saying, and I never said anything that was unfair. I was also able to provide documentation of any significant issues we've had since Lovebug was in our care (just a simple timeline). For example:
"X/X/13- Text from biomom
X/X/13- Dr visit- Dr reported XYZ, suggested XYZ. Biomom/dad made aware of dr. appt on X/X/13 but did not attend.
X/X/13- Visit cancelled due to..."
It sounded like that was a helpful tool to add to their files. I will continue to keep it updated going forward.
And then, the all important question about our interest in adoption. Which, of course, we said we would be interested in.
Ultimately, I don't know how much a judge looks at these notes/recommendations, but it was great to feel validated and told that we were doing a great job because of XYZ, rather than 'Hey, thanks for being foster parents.' like anyone could do it, you just happen to be there. It means so much when people notice the specific care that is put into things for Lovebug, and the time and dedication we spend not only repairing old wounds (physical and emotional), but also preventing new ones. That we are equal partners in this process, and that we know these kids (sometimes) better than their biological parents.
Everyone who was invited will receive notes from this meeting within 15 days, and those notes will include their recommendation. I think this review board idea is the best part of the process I've dealt with yet! Thank goodness, because I don't know if I could have attended another bad meeting. :)
-Jenn
Secondly: Today we attended the first meeting we've had in this process where we felt comfortable speaking freely, sharing our thoughts, and felt really heard. WOOHOO! A small bit of success in this crazy journey!
We attended the Foster Care Review Board (FCRB) meeting. The FCRB is a group of volunteers (devided by county) who get together and review foster care cases for all the kids in the county and send recommendations to the judge. They are housed under the Department of Inspections and Appeals, so they can review DHS and state attorneys without misconceptions of conflicts of interest. They review all the parties- DHS, attorneys, foster parents, birth parents, etc. To ensure that the kids are receiving the best care that they can be.
Dan and I were really nervous about this meeting at first. We had heard from other foster parents that it's intimidating and that they prefer not to attend because they feel judged and uncomfortable. Let me start by saying, we did not feel that way at all. That may be attributed to the fact that we are the only people who showed up in person (aside from the board members, obviously), but we felt very welcomed and included.
When we came in, we were greeted warmly, we introduced Lovebug and let her charm their pants off, and then we got down to business. First, we gave a very brief updated of what Lovebug was doing these days (learning to sit up on her own from a crawling position, working on learning to crawl, pull herself up, and cruise furniture). After that, the coordinator read out loud a few statements that were sent by DHS and Lovebug's attorney (who couldn't make it because of court dates for other cases). After those statements were read, we spent about half an hour discussing the case- situations that had happened, was Lovebug getting everything she needed, were there any concerns, how were her brothers around her, how was she on visits or after them, did her parents provide things at visits or what kinds of things did they do, etc. Because her brothers and their foster dad weren't able to make it, I did answer a few questions regarding them or what I understood to be the case. Nothing that I felt uncomfortable with, and only things I had concrete information to share.
Dan and I felt we were able to share important information- all of it true, concise accounts of things that had happened. I never lied, I was very careful not to let my bias interfere with what I was saying, and I never said anything that was unfair. I was also able to provide documentation of any significant issues we've had since Lovebug was in our care (just a simple timeline). For example:
"X/X/13- Text from biomom
X/X/13- Dr visit- Dr reported XYZ, suggested XYZ. Biomom/dad made aware of dr. appt on X/X/13 but did not attend.
X/X/13- Visit cancelled due to..."
It sounded like that was a helpful tool to add to their files. I will continue to keep it updated going forward.
And then, the all important question about our interest in adoption. Which, of course, we said we would be interested in.
Ultimately, I don't know how much a judge looks at these notes/recommendations, but it was great to feel validated and told that we were doing a great job because of XYZ, rather than 'Hey, thanks for being foster parents.' like anyone could do it, you just happen to be there. It means so much when people notice the specific care that is put into things for Lovebug, and the time and dedication we spend not only repairing old wounds (physical and emotional), but also preventing new ones. That we are equal partners in this process, and that we know these kids (sometimes) better than their biological parents.
Everyone who was invited will receive notes from this meeting within 15 days, and those notes will include their recommendation. I think this review board idea is the best part of the process I've dealt with yet! Thank goodness, because I don't know if I could have attended another bad meeting. :)
-Jenn
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The "I" in Team
Last week we attended our first Family Team Meeting. It was an interesting experience, and while I'm not able to discuss specifics, I feel that it's important to address this meeting (or at least this type of meeting) so those of you who are beginning this process know what to look forward to.
A Family Team Meeting (or FTM, as they are referred to by most people involved in the process), is a meeting that is facilitated by an outside organization and it's designed to give everyone involved with a case the opportunity to check in and update everyone on the standings of the case. It's where problems are dealt with, and it's a chance for parents to ask for clarification or help, and ultimately create an action plan for the next month or two as the family works toward reunification. All the team players are there- parents, DHS, lawyers (for parents and kids), service providers (the visit supervisor, counselors, mentors, etc.) and anyone else that the family invites to attend.
That bolded part means that foster parents only attend these meetings if they are invited by the parents. I was pleased to have been invited to the meeting, and had hopes of getting some questions answered and some clarification about our case, as well as some permission for things Lovebug needed. While I was aware it was not a meeting for me, I figured things would be discussed that would give us a better idea of where people were at in the process.
So at this meeting they start with discussing the ground rules, the goals of the meeting (and the case), and an update of where things stand. The meetings are 'success focused', so they ask that everything brought up be in terms of the family's success (so, for example, 'visits are going really well, the way that you do XYZ with Son #1 and still manage to do XYZ with your two daughters shows that you're really mastering giving them all equal attention, But we don't feel like we can justify moving your visits to overnight right now because of XYZ'). Pretty typical stuff if you're in the human services field.
After updates are out of the way, they get to the meat of the case: what's been done, when, by whom, and what still needs to be accomplished. Who's going to take care of those tasks, by when, and what do they need to make it happen? They do this for the parents as well as each child. They end when there's a set plan for the next few weeks, and they determine when the next meeting would be appropriate to have (usually about a month or two away).
Overall, it was a hard meeting to sit through. It was hard to hear things the parents wanted, it was hard to hear them talk about things they had done, to justify decisions that had been made in the past...but mostly it was hard because I left feeling run over. I left feeling like there was no one in my corner, no one to stand up and say 'That's not the foster parent's job'. I ended up volunteering for something because I felt I had no other choice, and left feeling like my life was being taken over and ruled by the bio-parents. And I heard from the other foster parent in attendance that he felt the same way.
I was able to fix things after the meeting, and managed to deal with my emotions and move on. But I have a few nuggets of advice if you're attending an FTM:
- Go in knowing what you want, what you're willing to do and with questions you may have.
- Don't hesitate to say 'I'm going to need some time to think about that one.'
- It's OK to talk to your Iowa KidsNet support worker about the FTM, what you can expect, etc.
- Ultimately, you are your own advocate, in this meeting and in this process as a whole.
- You have a right to privacy, and if you feel uncomfortable with the level that's being disclosed, you have the right to say so.
- Finally, as with every other step of this process, remember why you are doing this. Go home, take a deep breath, and give the kiddo a hug. My guess is that anything you're dealing with is a small matter compared to what the kid has had to endure.
Have a good week!
-Jenn
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Mad Mom Skills
You ever have those weeks that you are just "on it"? I mean great weeks, where you are rocking the mom thing, kick ass and taking names at work, home life is running smoothly...and the weather is beautiful to boot?
I'm having one of those weeks. And it's really nice. It could be a combination of the fact that spring finally feels like it's arrived and my new thyroid meds are kicking in, but my Mad Mom Skills have to play a part, right?
This week, I managed to plan real dinners almost every day so far (Dan has been able to help cook, so that helps), the laundry got washed, dried and folded! Lovebug and I managed to take a walk or get out in the sun for at least a little bit each day, my fiscal year goals are all met for the year at work with two months to spare, I managed to get a gift basket put together for Dan's boss (they welcomed a new little man last weekend), and I also got super cute snacks made for Teacher Appreciation day at Lovebug's daycare...and it's only Wednesday!
The only thing I'm slacking on is sleep.
Which is the constant struggle, isn't it? Is there someone out there who's figured out how to get all of the great stuff in to a day/week without sacrificing something? If so, they deserve a Nobel Prize.
Here's a few pictures and the recipe for the cake and icing, inspired from these sites:
SavorySweetLife.com www.TwoBusyBlondes.com
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| The goods! I used two boxes of white cake mix and prepared as directed. |
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| I think I could have left a couple of these colors out and achieved the same effect. |
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| I should have added more batter, if I'd had any left. |
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| Don't forget water in the bottom of the cake pans! |
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| Life is better with buttercream and frosting! |
Rainbow Cake
White cake mix and ingredients as indicated on box
Wiltons food coloring paste (the kind for icing- check Michaels with a 40% coupon!)
Prep batter: I used two boxes of cake and made 13 jars, but they were pretty small cakes. I recommend more batter to fill the jars higher- fill the jar about half way with raw batter.
Add colors: Separate batter evenly into small bowls. I eyeballed colors using the food coloring paste- remember, a little goes a LONG way with this stuff. Start with a drop and go from there.
If you want to make lots of these cakes, skip the separate bowls and add the food coloring straight to the batter. You can minimize the number of colors you use, also.
Fill jars: I mixed the colors in bowls and then transferred them to ziplock bags to squirt into each jar. In hindsight, I would skip one of these steps, because the baking soda in the cake mix looses it's effectiveness after all the mixing and transferring. I think using the bowls and then a funnel and spoon to fill each jar would be best.
Bake: Clean off the dribbles from the sides of the jars or they will get brown and mess with the whole look :) And then place jars in 9X13 cake pans with some water at the bottom. Bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes, and then test them.
Buttercream Frosting
2 sticks of butter (unsalted)
3 Cups of sifted powdered sugar
1 Tbsp vanilla
2 Tbsp milk
dash of table salt
Sift powdered sugar in to separate bowl
Butter should be slightly soft, the consistency of ice cream. Place in mixer and turn on Medium speed. Turn off mixer when butter is creamy
Add sugar, turn mixer on Lowest speed until sugar is blended with butter (so it doesn't blow everywhere), and then turn up mixer to Medium and blend until all sugar is incorporated into butter.
Add milk, salt and vanilla and finish combining on Medium.
Taste your frosting! Is too stiff? Add another tablespoon of milk. Too wet, add a bit more powdered sugar.
Monday, May 6, 2013
May is...
Special shout out to all of you who have taken on the task of fostering, whatever the ultimate goal is for you. Your special talents, open heart and open home are making lives better every day. Thanks for being you!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Barefoot in Spring (and other co-parenting challenges)
So, for a few days last week, it was gorgeous here. I mean really gorgeous- sunny, 70s/low 80s. The grass was getting green, the trees are starting to bloom (and my allergies are in overdrive, but I digress...), and Lovebug and I LOVE the fresh air and sunshine. She's standing (with lots of support) and experiencing grass between her toes, and the feeling of flowers and trees, and all the wonderful things that come with open windows, backyard blanket play and walks in the stroller.
She's also wearing shorts, jumpers and other warm-weather attire. But her baby bag is always packed with a sweatshirt, pants and socks...because this is Iowa, and in Iowa the weather really does change in minutes. In fact, she wore a super adorable onesie and capris outfit to her last visit. It was a morning visit, so it was still a tiny bit chilly, so I put a sweatshirt on her for good measure. When she came home, she was wearing the sweatshirt and a pair of thick socks. It was 70 degrees at this point in the day.
Following the visit, I got a text message from bio-mom "Her feet were really cold, so I put some socks on her."
Great, you put socks on. Exactly what I would have done. Bravo.
And that began the critique period. I have received critiques about her hygiene (her ears were dirty), her food intake and bottle nipple size, her nap times (she's too sleepy during visits)...I'm only waiting to see what else will come. They even changed her visit times to a different day and time (no one said it was because of complaints about sleeping, but....)
And so we face a challenge in "co-parenting" effectively. Will it kill Lovebug to get an extra bottle, because mom feels the need to feed her at every visit, whether she ate two hours ago or not? No. Will it kill me to put socks on her for a visit, even when she's plenty warm? No. But I get really frustrated when I get these texts, and my first instinct (which I ignore, thankfully) is to return with something inappropriate about the condition in which Lovebug arrived at our house, compared to the condition she is in today.
One of the hardest things I've had to do so far is remember that, despite the poor choices, the damage done to the kids, and my difficulty in understanding how her mind works, bio-mom still has a connection to Lovebug and her brothers, and this is the way she knows how to show it, given the circumstances. It doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it easy, but it's a fact.
So, we continue as we are. I put socks on her for visits, I give her a bath on Friday night instead of Saturday night so she's clean for mom, and when she comes back to our house I give her lots of hugs and take her socks off while I remind myself that this is what we signed up for. And it really is all worth it when I get to see her big grin as her bare feet touch the green grass and her face warms with sunshine.
-Jenn
She's also wearing shorts, jumpers and other warm-weather attire. But her baby bag is always packed with a sweatshirt, pants and socks...because this is Iowa, and in Iowa the weather really does change in minutes. In fact, she wore a super adorable onesie and capris outfit to her last visit. It was a morning visit, so it was still a tiny bit chilly, so I put a sweatshirt on her for good measure. When she came home, she was wearing the sweatshirt and a pair of thick socks. It was 70 degrees at this point in the day.
Following the visit, I got a text message from bio-mom "Her feet were really cold, so I put some socks on her."
Great, you put socks on. Exactly what I would have done. Bravo.
And that began the critique period. I have received critiques about her hygiene (her ears were dirty), her food intake and bottle nipple size, her nap times (she's too sleepy during visits)...I'm only waiting to see what else will come. They even changed her visit times to a different day and time (no one said it was because of complaints about sleeping, but....)
And so we face a challenge in "co-parenting" effectively. Will it kill Lovebug to get an extra bottle, because mom feels the need to feed her at every visit, whether she ate two hours ago or not? No. Will it kill me to put socks on her for a visit, even when she's plenty warm? No. But I get really frustrated when I get these texts, and my first instinct (which I ignore, thankfully) is to return with something inappropriate about the condition in which Lovebug arrived at our house, compared to the condition she is in today.
One of the hardest things I've had to do so far is remember that, despite the poor choices, the damage done to the kids, and my difficulty in understanding how her mind works, bio-mom still has a connection to Lovebug and her brothers, and this is the way she knows how to show it, given the circumstances. It doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it easy, but it's a fact.
So, we continue as we are. I put socks on her for visits, I give her a bath on Friday night instead of Saturday night so she's clean for mom, and when she comes back to our house I give her lots of hugs and take her socks off while I remind myself that this is what we signed up for. And it really is all worth it when I get to see her big grin as her bare feet touch the green grass and her face warms with sunshine.
-Jenn
Monday, April 15, 2013
The Best Laid Plans
Before the conversations of foster-to-adopt began, before Lovebug, before trouble conceiving and all the issues that came along with that, and even up to the day Lovebug came home, I had big plans. You know, the kind of plans every mom has- how she'll raise her kids, what she'll let her kids do that her mother never let her do, what books she'll read, what schedule she'll keep, what discipline method she'll use...big plans.
I was going to cloth diaper, and make homemade baby food, and never turn on the TV. I would be so organized, and the housework would always stay caught up, and dinners and lunches would get made without question. Yup. I was going to rock this momma thing.
Fast forward to today:
I use Luv's: Mostly because Lovebug has to be in disposable diapers for visits and daycare, which essentially leaves me with 4 nights a week and half a weekend that I could use cloth diapers...it kind of defeats the purpose.
Lovebug eats Gerber baby food. And she loves it. I tried. I did. She hated my homemade baby food. Now, granted I probably needed to blend it more and add more water, I was new at it. But frankly, Gerber is healthy. And it's just easier.
The TV does get turned on. My husband is much worse about this than I am, but I'll even admit that when you are home alone, or cuddling a sleeping baby, you need some entertainment. If I have the TV on while she's awake, I pick shows that are not graphic or violent (so, Criminal Minds is saved for after bed time).
Lovebug does not live on a strict schedule. She has made her own, and it seems to work for us most of the time, so we let it go. I don't have my own life on a schedule enough to be able to keep hers on one.
And you know what? It's ok.
And here's a little secret...I justify my choices. And maybe this isn't great, but it's the truth. I justify my choices by saying to myself, "Well, at least I don't beat her, or use drugs around her. And she's always fed/clothed/clean and happy..."
But the fact of the matter is simply that Lovebug is a part of our family, and our family doesn't have schedules, and we watch TV, and we eat crap sometimes. I want her to be healthy, and to live a rich life, full of joy and prosperity. I want her to grow up and have great memories of backyard games, and slumber parties, and science experiments.
And if she's still with us, I can guarantee that she will have all of that and more. But there will still be nights when she's out late, and their will still be crap food, and she will still watch TV.
And I'm ok with that.
-Jenn
I was going to cloth diaper, and make homemade baby food, and never turn on the TV. I would be so organized, and the housework would always stay caught up, and dinners and lunches would get made without question. Yup. I was going to rock this momma thing.
Fast forward to today:
I use Luv's: Mostly because Lovebug has to be in disposable diapers for visits and daycare, which essentially leaves me with 4 nights a week and half a weekend that I could use cloth diapers...it kind of defeats the purpose.
Lovebug eats Gerber baby food. And she loves it. I tried. I did. She hated my homemade baby food. Now, granted I probably needed to blend it more and add more water, I was new at it. But frankly, Gerber is healthy. And it's just easier.
The TV does get turned on. My husband is much worse about this than I am, but I'll even admit that when you are home alone, or cuddling a sleeping baby, you need some entertainment. If I have the TV on while she's awake, I pick shows that are not graphic or violent (so, Criminal Minds is saved for after bed time).
Lovebug does not live on a strict schedule. She has made her own, and it seems to work for us most of the time, so we let it go. I don't have my own life on a schedule enough to be able to keep hers on one.
And you know what? It's ok.
And here's a little secret...I justify my choices. And maybe this isn't great, but it's the truth. I justify my choices by saying to myself, "Well, at least I don't beat her, or use drugs around her. And she's always fed/clothed/clean and happy..."
But the fact of the matter is simply that Lovebug is a part of our family, and our family doesn't have schedules, and we watch TV, and we eat crap sometimes. I want her to be healthy, and to live a rich life, full of joy and prosperity. I want her to grow up and have great memories of backyard games, and slumber parties, and science experiments.
And if she's still with us, I can guarantee that she will have all of that and more. But there will still be nights when she's out late, and their will still be crap food, and she will still watch TV.
And I'm ok with that.
-Jenn
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
The Holes
Well, it sounds like Lovebug will be around for at least a few more months! In case I forgot to mention, when we accepted this placement, she was only supposed to be in the house for a week. We love having her around. She puts a smile on our face as soon as we see her, and she never ceases to amaze us with how quickly she's changing, how much she can do compared to the day we brought her home, how smart she is, and just her general adorableness.
I have started to see some definite signs of attachment and bonding with Dan and I, which are good signs! Even though the plan is not for us to be her Forever Family, the fact that she's developing the ability to attach appropriately will give her so much in the future. She's totally on target developmentally, she's a quick learner, and fiercely determined in everything she does. It's so much fun to watch her navigate rolling across the room to get to her toy, or stick her pacifier in her mouth and grin with satisfaction.
Now on to the slightly less positive...
The most frustrating thing, quite frankly, is that sometimes people have a tendency to leave the foster parents out. Of Everything. Apparently we are supposed to be receiving notices and court documents from the Clerk of Court, but in our county they are 'notoriously bad about getting that stuff to foster parents'. And there is supposed to be a foster care review board in each county who reviews every case once a month, and foster parents are supposed to be able to attend those hearings...but again, 'notoriously bad about getting that info to foster parents'. We have been surprised with people showing up unannounced to pick up Lovebug for a visit...we were supposed to get info about that, but apparently we were 'overlooked' in the process of scheduling the visit.
Sometimes it can feel like you are just a warm bed for the kids to sleep in...and maybe that's normal. But, regardless of whether it's normal or not, I certainly don't feel like it's right. If we are supposed to "co-parent", then we should get the same respect and be given the same consideration (if not more!) when finding out what is going on with the kids.
I have a feeling these are the 'holes in The System' that people talk about. And they kind of suck. A lot.
But then there's that little girl's smile at the end of the day, and we are reminded about why we are doing this...and it gets us into the next day, the next 'mis-communication', the next adventure.
I have started to see some definite signs of attachment and bonding with Dan and I, which are good signs! Even though the plan is not for us to be her Forever Family, the fact that she's developing the ability to attach appropriately will give her so much in the future. She's totally on target developmentally, she's a quick learner, and fiercely determined in everything she does. It's so much fun to watch her navigate rolling across the room to get to her toy, or stick her pacifier in her mouth and grin with satisfaction.
Now on to the slightly less positive...
The most frustrating thing, quite frankly, is that sometimes people have a tendency to leave the foster parents out. Of Everything. Apparently we are supposed to be receiving notices and court documents from the Clerk of Court, but in our county they are 'notoriously bad about getting that stuff to foster parents'. And there is supposed to be a foster care review board in each county who reviews every case once a month, and foster parents are supposed to be able to attend those hearings...but again, 'notoriously bad about getting that info to foster parents'. We have been surprised with people showing up unannounced to pick up Lovebug for a visit...we were supposed to get info about that, but apparently we were 'overlooked' in the process of scheduling the visit.
Sometimes it can feel like you are just a warm bed for the kids to sleep in...and maybe that's normal. But, regardless of whether it's normal or not, I certainly don't feel like it's right. If we are supposed to "co-parent", then we should get the same respect and be given the same consideration (if not more!) when finding out what is going on with the kids.
I have a feeling these are the 'holes in The System' that people talk about. And they kind of suck. A lot.
But then there's that little girl's smile at the end of the day, and we are reminded about why we are doing this...and it gets us into the next day, the next 'mis-communication', the next adventure.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Navigating "Family"
There are so many things that people don't think about in this process. So many little items that would be no big deal to other families, but to families like ours they are much different. Things like when to make the 6-month check up appointment, or when to get a haircut may sound like simple decisions, but can get complicated in the foster care system. And then there's this one:
Friday we got a note in the diaper bag from daycare. They are making a 'Family' book, and would like us to bring in a family photo. Uh-oh.
In "normal" families, this task would be no big deal. It would be as simple as printing one off at Target, and dropping it off when we bring her in one day this week. But in our family, it's a little more complicated. It, at a bare minimum, requires a conversation about what family is, and what it means for us.
As it is, we often get the question "what do you call yourselves?" The answer is, Dan and I refer to ourselves and the rest of our family as Mom, Dad, Grandma/Grandpa, etc. We do this because Lovebug is too young to speak, and it's easier. If we had an older placement, we would probably have discussed it with them, or maybe even their parents, and we may be 'Miss Jenn' or just Jenn and Dan. We also refer to biological family as Mom/Dad/Grandma, again, because it's easiest.
So, now there's the question of the family picture. When we talk about how we want to (eventually) tell our adopted child the story of their life, we have always imagined using phrases like "you are so lucky, you have lots of people who love you, so you have XX mommies and daddies" or "isn't it cool that you have 4 grandmas?"
But you can't explain that in one photo. And we certainly aren't planning to contact Mom and Dad to get a picture with everyone. Our situation is also complicated by the fact that Lovebug's older brothers go to the same daycare, and we are trying to be very aware of their feelings in this process. It's also complicated by the fact that, due to confidentiality, the average joe should really have no reason to know that Lovebug is in foster care. So we can't turn in a photo and say 'Please make sure to refer to us only as foster parents'.
So, we could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers. We could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, and Dan and I and the other foster father. We could request a picture from Mom, but currently her situation probably prevents her from getting one to us.
Ultimately, the photo option we choose is only the catalyst for a much larger discussion. The photo is a small decision, but with big implications. Most likely, we will probably just turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, but it's definitely given us pause for thought, and another layer to navigate in this experience.
Friday we got a note in the diaper bag from daycare. They are making a 'Family' book, and would like us to bring in a family photo. Uh-oh.
In "normal" families, this task would be no big deal. It would be as simple as printing one off at Target, and dropping it off when we bring her in one day this week. But in our family, it's a little more complicated. It, at a bare minimum, requires a conversation about what family is, and what it means for us.
As it is, we often get the question "what do you call yourselves?" The answer is, Dan and I refer to ourselves and the rest of our family as Mom, Dad, Grandma/Grandpa, etc. We do this because Lovebug is too young to speak, and it's easier. If we had an older placement, we would probably have discussed it with them, or maybe even their parents, and we may be 'Miss Jenn' or just Jenn and Dan. We also refer to biological family as Mom/Dad/Grandma, again, because it's easiest.
So, now there's the question of the family picture. When we talk about how we want to (eventually) tell our adopted child the story of their life, we have always imagined using phrases like "you are so lucky, you have lots of people who love you, so you have XX mommies and daddies" or "isn't it cool that you have 4 grandmas?"
But you can't explain that in one photo. And we certainly aren't planning to contact Mom and Dad to get a picture with everyone. Our situation is also complicated by the fact that Lovebug's older brothers go to the same daycare, and we are trying to be very aware of their feelings in this process. It's also complicated by the fact that, due to confidentiality, the average joe should really have no reason to know that Lovebug is in foster care. So we can't turn in a photo and say 'Please make sure to refer to us only as foster parents'.
So, we could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers. We could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, and Dan and I and the other foster father. We could request a picture from Mom, but currently her situation probably prevents her from getting one to us.
Ultimately, the photo option we choose is only the catalyst for a much larger discussion. The photo is a small decision, but with big implications. Most likely, we will probably just turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, but it's definitely given us pause for thought, and another layer to navigate in this experience.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
So Many Places to Be!
So, as promised, this entry will be a little overview of the first few days with Lovebug, including all the meetings we attended.
Pick-Up: With Lovebug, I got a call at about 5 pm the night we got her. The call came from Iowa KidsNet, initially, and then I received a second call from the DHS case worker. I asked all of my questions (like, how old, how long the stay, medical needs, other important factors, etc.) Per an agreement that Dan and I had made prior to getting this call, I told them we were interested, but I needed to check with my husband first. After calling my husband (and my mom, because...well...just because that's who I call), I called them back and told them we were ready to accept. By 7:30pm, I had Lovebug home, and had placed my Mommy-911 call to my mother, who came over to help us get things together for the night.
Well-Child Checkup: Within the first day or so of removal, children placed in foster care are taken to a doctor's appointment to assess where their physical health is. They do an exam, and may also take samples to test for drugs or other issues. It was at this visit that Lovebug had some immediate issues that needed to be taken care of. They sent us to urgent care, who sent us to the ER, and Lovebug was admitted for the evening for observation.
Support Worker Check-In: Our support worker (from Iowa KidsNet/Four Oaks) had to schedule an introductory visit to our house within the first couple of months of being assigned to us. It just happened to coincide with our placement with Lovebug.
Doctor Visit: Because of her stay in the hospital, Lovebug had to have a doctor's appointment scheduled with her pediatrician to check in. She passed with flying colors, and the next pediatrician appointment was scheduled for a week later to get caught up on shots.
Visits with Mom/Dad: Lovebug started visits with her parents shortly after her pediatrician cleared her. They typically happen three times a week, for about 2-3 hours each time. A Four Oaks employee picks Lovebug up, takes her (and her brothers, sometimes) to a location determined by her parents and supervises the visit, and then brings her home. These continue indefinitely.
Visit with Guardian Ad Litem: Lovebug had a check in with her attorney about a week or so after she was placed with us. Typically, this visit happens at our home so the attorney can see her in her environment. She will check in occasionally through the process, as necessary.
That pretty well sums up the first couple of weeks. They were hectic, and knowing what I know now I will be more prepared next time. But now, things have calmed down significantly. There's still the visits with her parents, which happen three times a week, and we will also have court appearances starting soon (more on that after the first one).
Well-Child Checkup: Within the first day or so of removal, children placed in foster care are taken to a doctor's appointment to assess where their physical health is. They do an exam, and may also take samples to test for drugs or other issues. It was at this visit that Lovebug had some immediate issues that needed to be taken care of. They sent us to urgent care, who sent us to the ER, and Lovebug was admitted for the evening for observation.
Support Worker Check-In: Our support worker (from Iowa KidsNet/Four Oaks) had to schedule an introductory visit to our house within the first couple of months of being assigned to us. It just happened to coincide with our placement with Lovebug.
Doctor Visit: Because of her stay in the hospital, Lovebug had to have a doctor's appointment scheduled with her pediatrician to check in. She passed with flying colors, and the next pediatrician appointment was scheduled for a week later to get caught up on shots.
Visits with Mom/Dad: Lovebug started visits with her parents shortly after her pediatrician cleared her. They typically happen three times a week, for about 2-3 hours each time. A Four Oaks employee picks Lovebug up, takes her (and her brothers, sometimes) to a location determined by her parents and supervises the visit, and then brings her home. These continue indefinitely.
Visit with Guardian Ad Litem: Lovebug had a check in with her attorney about a week or so after she was placed with us. Typically, this visit happens at our home so the attorney can see her in her environment. She will check in occasionally through the process, as necessary.
That pretty well sums up the first couple of weeks. They were hectic, and knowing what I know now I will be more prepared next time. But now, things have calmed down significantly. There's still the visits with her parents, which happen three times a week, and we will also have court appearances starting soon (more on that after the first one).
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Don't Hate the Player(s)
I thought it would be helpful to give a little insight into the players in the foster care game. There are a lot of them, and my phone has quickly filled up with various contacts related to Lovebug. We also have a pouch on our fridge filled with business cards for social workers, doctors, resources, etc. When we first got Lovebug, our weeks were filled with appointments, which was new to us. If you are looking at this path, be prepared to make time for lots of appointments. (Side note: our situation was complicated with Lovebug being an infant, AND having a stay in the hospital right after we got her).
In this post, I will discuss the variety of people in Lovebug's life. In the next post, I'll discuss the various appointments she had to get to, and still does.
Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc: Lovebug's biological family. We communicate with them fairly regularly via phone and text. I'm not sure if that's typical, but it happened that way for us. At the moment, it hasn't been an issue.
Support Worker: This is a resource for the foster family, and is employed by Iowa KidsNet. We call ours whenever we have questions about protocol, or need to know who to contact for something within 'The System'. She is also responsible for working with us to get re-licensed (a process which starts almost immediately after you get your license in the mail), making sure we get our continuing ed completed, etc. Ours happens to also be our PS-MAPP class instructor.
DHS Emergency Manager: This person gets the initial call to report that there is an issue in a home. It may be from a hospital, tip line, family member, etc. They do the investigation, and initial paperwork that is then submitted to the DHS Case Worker who takes over the case. They are also involved if/when children are removed from the home.
DHS Case Worker: This is the state worker who works with Lovebug's bio family to complete everything necessary to make Lovebug's environment safe and healthy to return to. They are assigned to each case as they come in, and work hard to 'front load' services when possible to make sure that kids don't have to be removed, if at all possible. The DHS Social Worker is employed by the county/state, and represents the family's best interests. It's also important to note that if the kids went home tomorrow and the case was cleaned up, but in a month, or a year, or three years, the family was back in 'The System', this worker would still be assigned to their case, if at all possible.
Attorney/Guardian Ad Litem: Mom, Lovebug, and her siblings all have separate attorneys to represent their best interests in this case. They will attend court hearings, family team meetings, or other official functions as necessary. They are also in communication with DHS and the judge assigned to the case, so if we needed a court order for something, this is who would obtain it for us.
Visits Supervisor: This person works for Four Oaks and is responsible for scheduling visits with parents, picking up/dropping off the kids each time, and supervising things while parents are visiting with their kiddos. This person takes notes each time about how visits went- what was said, how people reacted, etc. And those notes eventually make it into the case file, and are available for everyone's reference.
Pediatrician/Dentist/Therapists/Providers: If the kiddos you are taking in already have services happening for them, you'll need to know these people and have their phone numbers. Because of 'front loading services' (providing all possible services prior to removing children from a home), kiddos may have therapists or other providers they are working with already. It's important to stick with them if at all possible, since so much has already changed for a child. Any continuity you can keep is good.
So those are all the people we've met, so far in this journey. I know that there will be additional people down the line, depending on how each case progresses. Stay tuned for more!
-Jenn
In this post, I will discuss the variety of people in Lovebug's life. In the next post, I'll discuss the various appointments she had to get to, and still does.
Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc: Lovebug's biological family. We communicate with them fairly regularly via phone and text. I'm not sure if that's typical, but it happened that way for us. At the moment, it hasn't been an issue.
Support Worker: This is a resource for the foster family, and is employed by Iowa KidsNet. We call ours whenever we have questions about protocol, or need to know who to contact for something within 'The System'. She is also responsible for working with us to get re-licensed (a process which starts almost immediately after you get your license in the mail), making sure we get our continuing ed completed, etc. Ours happens to also be our PS-MAPP class instructor.
DHS Emergency Manager: This person gets the initial call to report that there is an issue in a home. It may be from a hospital, tip line, family member, etc. They do the investigation, and initial paperwork that is then submitted to the DHS Case Worker who takes over the case. They are also involved if/when children are removed from the home.
DHS Case Worker: This is the state worker who works with Lovebug's bio family to complete everything necessary to make Lovebug's environment safe and healthy to return to. They are assigned to each case as they come in, and work hard to 'front load' services when possible to make sure that kids don't have to be removed, if at all possible. The DHS Social Worker is employed by the county/state, and represents the family's best interests. It's also important to note that if the kids went home tomorrow and the case was cleaned up, but in a month, or a year, or three years, the family was back in 'The System', this worker would still be assigned to their case, if at all possible.
Attorney/Guardian Ad Litem: Mom, Lovebug, and her siblings all have separate attorneys to represent their best interests in this case. They will attend court hearings, family team meetings, or other official functions as necessary. They are also in communication with DHS and the judge assigned to the case, so if we needed a court order for something, this is who would obtain it for us.
Visits Supervisor: This person works for Four Oaks and is responsible for scheduling visits with parents, picking up/dropping off the kids each time, and supervising things while parents are visiting with their kiddos. This person takes notes each time about how visits went- what was said, how people reacted, etc. And those notes eventually make it into the case file, and are available for everyone's reference.
Pediatrician/Dentist/Therapists/Providers: If the kiddos you are taking in already have services happening for them, you'll need to know these people and have their phone numbers. Because of 'front loading services' (providing all possible services prior to removing children from a home), kiddos may have therapists or other providers they are working with already. It's important to stick with them if at all possible, since so much has already changed for a child. Any continuity you can keep is good.
So those are all the people we've met, so far in this journey. I know that there will be additional people down the line, depending on how each case progresses. Stay tuned for more!
-Jenn
Monday, March 11, 2013
Ethical Conundrums
It's becoming more evident each day that Lovebug's stay with us is less 'temporary' than originally planned. When she was accepted into our home, we were expecting to have her for a week or two. We've passed the one month mark, with no end it sight. Which is good and bad. Let me explain.
Good for us! We love having Lovebug, and can't get enough of her gorgeous smile, puffy cheeks and 'kisses' she's recently started practicing. Good in general, because no child is removed without reason, and this case is no exception. The kids (Lovebug has two older brothers at a different foster home), are doing so well all around.
Bad for mom and Lovebug's brothers. Obviously, no one likes the idea of a family being separated, and it's hard for me to imagine having given birth to Lovebug and not be able to see her everyday. Hell, it's hard for me to imagine not seeing her everyday now!
I thought it was time to share some thoughts that have been running through my head in the last month. Fostering is an interesting position to be in, for me personally. I knew I would get attached, and I knew that it would be hard to detach when the time came. I went into this accepting that, on the surface. But now that things are more long-term, I have some serious ethical conundrums going on. CAUTION: I am fully aware that what I'm about to write may be contrary to the mission and vision of foster care. But this is the truth, as I see it, and I believe that people going into this process deserve to have a view of a variety of feelings that come along with this experience.
I work in human services. I want to see people succeed, and I really believe that the education, treatment, and help that human services agencies provide can be life-changing. And when you go through PS-MAPP classes, you learn that it's preferable to have children stay with their parents, as long as they are in a safe environment. But I'm also human. And a parent looking to adopt through this process. And I know that the home and opportunities we provide Lovebug are far different (and, dare I say, better) than the one her mother provides now, and maybe ever will provide.
So, I find myself hoping that mom gets the help she needs...but maybe AFTER we have the opportunity to adopt Lovebug. And when I pray for Lovebug to grow up strong and healthy with a great family...I also hope that family is us. And then I start to feel guilty for hoping and wishing these things, and not just praying for things to work out in the way that is best for all involved.
I am encouraged when I hear from other foster parents that my feelings are not unique or uncommon. But they are uncomfortable feelings for me, regardless of how many other people feel them. So, for today, I remain hopeful that I can find a way to balance my feelings, and be at peace with the things that happen with this case, whatever they are.
And I enjoy baby kisses while they last!
Good for us! We love having Lovebug, and can't get enough of her gorgeous smile, puffy cheeks and 'kisses' she's recently started practicing. Good in general, because no child is removed without reason, and this case is no exception. The kids (Lovebug has two older brothers at a different foster home), are doing so well all around.
Bad for mom and Lovebug's brothers. Obviously, no one likes the idea of a family being separated, and it's hard for me to imagine having given birth to Lovebug and not be able to see her everyday. Hell, it's hard for me to imagine not seeing her everyday now!
I thought it was time to share some thoughts that have been running through my head in the last month. Fostering is an interesting position to be in, for me personally. I knew I would get attached, and I knew that it would be hard to detach when the time came. I went into this accepting that, on the surface. But now that things are more long-term, I have some serious ethical conundrums going on. CAUTION: I am fully aware that what I'm about to write may be contrary to the mission and vision of foster care. But this is the truth, as I see it, and I believe that people going into this process deserve to have a view of a variety of feelings that come along with this experience.
I work in human services. I want to see people succeed, and I really believe that the education, treatment, and help that human services agencies provide can be life-changing. And when you go through PS-MAPP classes, you learn that it's preferable to have children stay with their parents, as long as they are in a safe environment. But I'm also human. And a parent looking to adopt through this process. And I know that the home and opportunities we provide Lovebug are far different (and, dare I say, better) than the one her mother provides now, and maybe ever will provide.
So, I find myself hoping that mom gets the help she needs...but maybe AFTER we have the opportunity to adopt Lovebug. And when I pray for Lovebug to grow up strong and healthy with a great family...I also hope that family is us. And then I start to feel guilty for hoping and wishing these things, and not just praying for things to work out in the way that is best for all involved.
I am encouraged when I hear from other foster parents that my feelings are not unique or uncommon. But they are uncomfortable feelings for me, regardless of how many other people feel them. So, for today, I remain hopeful that I can find a way to balance my feelings, and be at peace with the things that happen with this case, whatever they are.
And I enjoy baby kisses while they last!
Friday, March 8, 2013
You Might Be a Mom If...
A few days ago, I eluded alluded (thanks, grammar Nazi :) ) to this post on my Facebook page. The last month has brought many moments that have had me saying 'Well...that's not normal.' Except that it is, now. It's just a new normal. So here's my list of signs that you might be a mom:
1. If you've ever been humming a catchy tune in your office during the day, and realized that it is actually a Mozart number...from the baby's sound machine.
2. If you've ever reached into your coat pocket for gloves, and instead returned with several snotty tissues, a pacifier, and a plastic set of 'car keys'.
3. If you've ever fed the baby, realized she smelled so you changed her, re-dressed her, put her to bed, and still smelled it...and then realized she left you a little something on your pants, and that it was you who may be the smelly one.
4. If you've ever raced home to change between work and another meeting, pulled something out of the laundry basket and had to do the 'sniff test' to decide if that was the clean laundry or the dirty laundry. And if it's the dirty laundry, how dirty is 'dirty'?
5. If you think nothing of wiping snot with your fingers, if nothing else its handy.
6. If you have ever found yourself checking a poopy diaper to find out what kind of poop was there...almost eagerly.
7. If you've ever felt like a pack mule, as you head out the door to work in the morning with a variety of different sized bags- diaper bag, computer bag, lunch bag, canvas bag with junk...maybe one or two more.
That's what I've got so far (remember, I'm new at this!) What else needs to be added? Hit me with your best shot!
-Jenn
6. If you have ever found yourself checking a poopy diaper to find out what kind of poop was there...almost eagerly.
7. If you've ever felt like a pack mule, as you head out the door to work in the morning with a variety of different sized bags- diaper bag, computer bag, lunch bag, canvas bag with junk...maybe one or two more.
That's what I've got so far (remember, I'm new at this!) What else needs to be added? Hit me with your best shot!
-Jenn
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Love: From Weekend Getaways to Chinese Takeout
My husband is amazing. Having a child in our lives makes me recognize that on a daily basis, and I am so thankful to have him around. That's the sweet truth.
There's also an ugly truth: Marriage is hard. It's harder with a kid.
Dan and I have been through challenges. We have been together for 7.5 years. We graduated college, got jobs, lost jobs, lived in bad neighborhoods, dealt with emotional issues, tried for multiple years to get pregnant...we have struggled. We're incredibly lucky, and very blessed, but we still face un-pretty things. But we face them together, and generally with a similar attitude. This baby thing has thrown us for a loop though.
It's always been so easy to face challenges together, and to turn to each other when times are hard, that we never anticipated a time when we couldn't work together, or how we would handle that. But Lovebug has changed that, and we're still working through things. Some weeks, Dan and I have almost completely opposite schedules. It makes communicating things about Lovebug really difficult, and the sleep deprivation is not helping.
Anyway, in addition to the communication challenges, the lack of sleep and new schedules for everyone, Hubby and I are also adjusting to this new way of caring for our relationship. Gone are the days of taking a weekend getaway, or even spontaneous date nights. Now, Valentine's day is celebrated with putting Lovebug to bed by 8, ordering takeout, and cleaning out the DVR. The hours we spent talking about random topics like politics or our future have quickly moved to discussions about daycare, schedules, dinner and who's turn it is to change the poopy diaper.
However, thanks to my awesome parents and sister who live in town, we're able to at least schedule a date night. It's funny how different you approach a night out when it feels like a luxury. We're just doing dinner at Red Lobster, maybe a movie or something...but the thrill of having a whole evening to ourselves, without cramming all the 'adult stuff' into one or two free hours, is amazing. I'm so excited to take time and hang out with Dan sans-Lovebug, and to remind myself that there is more to our relationship than the dinner plan and daycare schedule.
Our lives are so different from a month ago...but, in a way, it makes me more grateful for my relationship. It makes me feel so lucky to have such an awesome partner-in-crime, and a support system when things are rough.
So, here's looking at you, Dan.
-Jenn
There's also an ugly truth: Marriage is hard. It's harder with a kid.
Dan and I have been through challenges. We have been together for 7.5 years. We graduated college, got jobs, lost jobs, lived in bad neighborhoods, dealt with emotional issues, tried for multiple years to get pregnant...we have struggled. We're incredibly lucky, and very blessed, but we still face un-pretty things. But we face them together, and generally with a similar attitude. This baby thing has thrown us for a loop though.
It's always been so easy to face challenges together, and to turn to each other when times are hard, that we never anticipated a time when we couldn't work together, or how we would handle that. But Lovebug has changed that, and we're still working through things. Some weeks, Dan and I have almost completely opposite schedules. It makes communicating things about Lovebug really difficult, and the sleep deprivation is not helping.
Anyway, in addition to the communication challenges, the lack of sleep and new schedules for everyone, Hubby and I are also adjusting to this new way of caring for our relationship. Gone are the days of taking a weekend getaway, or even spontaneous date nights. Now, Valentine's day is celebrated with putting Lovebug to bed by 8, ordering takeout, and cleaning out the DVR. The hours we spent talking about random topics like politics or our future have quickly moved to discussions about daycare, schedules, dinner and who's turn it is to change the poopy diaper.
However, thanks to my awesome parents and sister who live in town, we're able to at least schedule a date night. It's funny how different you approach a night out when it feels like a luxury. We're just doing dinner at Red Lobster, maybe a movie or something...but the thrill of having a whole evening to ourselves, without cramming all the 'adult stuff' into one or two free hours, is amazing. I'm so excited to take time and hang out with Dan sans-Lovebug, and to remind myself that there is more to our relationship than the dinner plan and daycare schedule.
Our lives are so different from a month ago...but, in a way, it makes me more grateful for my relationship. It makes me feel so lucky to have such an awesome partner-in-crime, and a support system when things are rough.
So, here's looking at you, Dan.
-Jenn
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Wow- Time Flies!
I guess it's time to update ya'll on the progress of this foster care journey! We accepted a placement about two weeks ago! We are referring to her as "Lovebug" in social media world, because she's just the most cuddly kiddo (and because we got her around Valentine's Day).
Well. To state the obvious: we're exhausted! It's been such a whirlwind experience, and definitely different than we planned, but we're just taking it as it goes. When we got her, Lovebug was 4 months old (she just turned 5 months today!), and was a pretty sick kid. But after an overnight in the hospital (less than 24 hours after placement) and a long round of breathing treatments and antibiotics, things seem under control now, health wise. Schedule-wise, it's a different story.
So when she was placed with us, she was sleeping A LOT. Now, she still sleeps (pretty) well, but it's not at the same times as she used to, and we are trying to get a routine down. Speaking of routines, mine is totally messed up.
Pre-Lovebug
5:45-6:15 Wake Up
6:15-7:15 Gym
7:15-5 Commute, Work, Commute
5-9 Various evening activities including TV watching, laundry, dinner, etc. (Oh, and we had a menu for the week, everything we needed for the meals, and almost always knew who was going to make it).
9-10 Wind down and go to bed
Post-Lovebug
2:15 am-7 am Wake Up (depends day to day what time)
GYM?? What is that?
6:45-7:15 Daycare drop off (this is new, since she just started yesterday)
Work
4-5ish Pick up Lovebug
5-8ish Feed, bathe, read, play, put Lovebug to bed
8-9 Time to ourselves? Slash do laundry/pick up/clean up kitchen/everything else
9-10 Crash for a few hours before she wakes up again.
(To be fair, my family has been AMAZING at helping out, and it's not always quite this bad...but when it is, I really feel it!)
She also has visits with her mom, meetings with social workers/her attorney/others, and we have shopping and other errands to work in there somewhere.
When they say 'life changes in ways you can't know until you have a kid', it's true. I say that not in a preachy, now-I-know-everything kind of way. I say it because I'm still reeling from the reality of it. I'll be working on a post for the next few days about the effect this has had on my relationship with Dan, because that's another thing I hadn't anticipated changing so very much.
But overall, despite the lack of sleep, time to myself, and the lack of clean laundry I have, I'm 100% thrilled to have this little girl in our life. And I pray every night that she grows up healthy, strong and happy...with the people she is meant to be with.
-Jenn
Well. To state the obvious: we're exhausted! It's been such a whirlwind experience, and definitely different than we planned, but we're just taking it as it goes. When we got her, Lovebug was 4 months old (she just turned 5 months today!), and was a pretty sick kid. But after an overnight in the hospital (less than 24 hours after placement) and a long round of breathing treatments and antibiotics, things seem under control now, health wise. Schedule-wise, it's a different story.
So when she was placed with us, she was sleeping A LOT. Now, she still sleeps (pretty) well, but it's not at the same times as she used to, and we are trying to get a routine down. Speaking of routines, mine is totally messed up.
Pre-Lovebug
5:45-6:15 Wake Up
6:15-7:15 Gym
7:15-5 Commute, Work, Commute
5-9 Various evening activities including TV watching, laundry, dinner, etc. (Oh, and we had a menu for the week, everything we needed for the meals, and almost always knew who was going to make it).
9-10 Wind down and go to bed
Post-Lovebug
2:15 am-7 am Wake Up (depends day to day what time)
GYM?? What is that?
6:45-7:15 Daycare drop off (this is new, since she just started yesterday)
Work
4-5ish Pick up Lovebug
5-8ish Feed, bathe, read, play, put Lovebug to bed
8-9 Time to ourselves? Slash do laundry/pick up/clean up kitchen/everything else
9-10 Crash for a few hours before she wakes up again.
(To be fair, my family has been AMAZING at helping out, and it's not always quite this bad...but when it is, I really feel it!)
She also has visits with her mom, meetings with social workers/her attorney/others, and we have shopping and other errands to work in there somewhere.
When they say 'life changes in ways you can't know until you have a kid', it's true. I say that not in a preachy, now-I-know-everything kind of way. I say it because I'm still reeling from the reality of it. I'll be working on a post for the next few days about the effect this has had on my relationship with Dan, because that's another thing I hadn't anticipated changing so very much.
But overall, despite the lack of sleep, time to myself, and the lack of clean laundry I have, I'm 100% thrilled to have this little girl in our life. And I pray every night that she grows up healthy, strong and happy...with the people she is meant to be with.
-Jenn
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The First Call
Well, it didn't take too long to get our first call!
In fact, there are a lot of things about this process that (I imagine) are similar to the last few weeks of a pregnancy. Emotions in overdrive, lists of things to do, questions about finishing things for work, and what the first few days with another little person in our lives will be like...it's a lot to handle! I feel blessed that we're finally getting to the point where this is feeling real, and at the same time I had a meltdown last night.
We actually got one yesterday, but it was for a teen boy. We are really not equipped to handle teens (we are barely 10 years older than some!) So we declined that placement, which was pretty easy to do. I just hope that's not the only thing we get called for!
I'm not sure I can do justice in writing when I describe the feeling I got when I saw a missed call from Iowa KidsNet on my caller ID yesterday. My heart jumped, my stomach turned a little, and my mind went into overdrive...all in the space of about 10 seconds! That was all before we heard the details of the situation, and turned it down. But it was a good preview of how I will feel when that perfect call does come in...a little crazy!
The call got me thinking of all the things I wanted to get done before a kiddo comes into our lives...so I managed to get the indoor Christmas decorations taken down, change the batteries in the smoke alarms, deep clean the kitchen, and wash another load of baby clothes and towels (kindly gifted from the girls at work!) It's sort of my own version of nesting...
In fact, there are a lot of things about this process that (I imagine) are similar to the last few weeks of a pregnancy. Emotions in overdrive, lists of things to do, questions about finishing things for work, and what the first few days with another little person in our lives will be like...it's a lot to handle! I feel blessed that we're finally getting to the point where this is feeling real, and at the same time I had a meltdown last night.
I'm surprised to find that I still have feelings of jealousy when I see that someone else is pregnant or had a baby. I still wonder and worry about how this will all work out for us, and I get upset when I remember that even when that kiddo makes their appearance, we are not it's permanent family. How do you bond and develop a relationship with an infant in the first place, let alone one that isn't yours...and might not stay? Can we put aside our feelings of jealousy, resentment and frustration and do what's best for the baby and their family? Will we ever end up being 'what's best'?
All of these things are questions no one can answer right now. So for now, I wait, and worry, and question, and clean...and keep on trucking!
-Jenn
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Guess What Came Today...
I'm doing my best not to think about the fact that now we have to wait for a call...
But we're one step closer!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The Wait Is Killing Me
Well, it's about 7-ish weeks since our paperwork was submitted to the state. We're still waiting to receive our license, and then we'll wait again to receive phone calls. I have checked my mail religiously each day, hoping that it's there. But it's not.
And then I read articles like this one and it frustrates me. I'd gladly up the number of foster homes to 2301 in the state of Iowa...if we could ever move past the bureaucratic nonsense that is "The System". I understand that people have to be vetted, and that we don't want to put kids in harms way...but I feel like there has to be a better way of accomplishing this than a 10 month process.
Waiting sucks. And it's hard.
The good news is, after I read that article, I called our support worker and she told me that our adoption license was finalized. So at least now our paperwork will be shown to adoption specialists and if there is a child who would be a good fit with our family that's already up for adoption (meaning that parental rights are terminated), then we could get a call about them.
So, I'm still finding ways to fill my days. I'm committed to working out, and have been going at least five times a week since New Year's (I feel like that's an accomplishment since they say the majority of New Year's Resolution-ers are done by January 21st.) Getting up early to work out has forced me to be more organized in general, and so my laundry gets done weekly (instead of every 3 weeks) now, my kitchen has never been this consistently clean, and I'm cooking dinners at home, and bringing my breakfast and lunch to work. Overall, this workout stuff has been pretty successful for me! And, while the goal is mostly increased health, weight loss won't hurt either. Next week we're starting the Live Healthy Iowa Challenge, which should help keep me motivated. Look for updates...I'll find out if a little healthy competition helps keep me motivated.
I'm also starting a new business venture soon, and looking forward to the possibilities that may bring.
Overall, while the it's hard to wait, I'm still accomplishing good things. I'm sure there's a plan for this whole process, but it's really hard to see that plan in the middle of all this waiting.
-Jenn
So, I'm still finding ways to fill my days. I'm committed to working out, and have been going at least five times a week since New Year's (I feel like that's an accomplishment since they say the majority of New Year's Resolution-ers are done by January 21st.) Getting up early to work out has forced me to be more organized in general, and so my laundry gets done weekly (instead of every 3 weeks) now, my kitchen has never been this consistently clean, and I'm cooking dinners at home, and bringing my breakfast and lunch to work. Overall, this workout stuff has been pretty successful for me! And, while the goal is mostly increased health, weight loss won't hurt either. Next week we're starting the Live Healthy Iowa Challenge, which should help keep me motivated. Look for updates...I'll find out if a little healthy competition helps keep me motivated.
I'm also starting a new business venture soon, and looking forward to the possibilities that may bring.
Overall, while the it's hard to wait, I'm still accomplishing good things. I'm sure there's a plan for this whole process, but it's really hard to see that plan in the middle of all this waiting.
-Jenn
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