Commitment Issues

I sit here, staring at a screen whose title reads 'Place Your Order'. And something is stopping me from pressing the button. It's not the cost, or that I'm unsure if it's the right item.

It's a book my sister-in-law recommends highly: "Baby Bargains" (the 9th edition). She used it all the time while shopping for baby stuff for my beautiful niece, and it would definitely answer the questions I'm having (like, is it worth paying $300 for a carseat, or is the $150 one just as safe?) But I'm hesitant to purchase it, because we still haven't heard from the state.

And that's not unusual. It hasn't even been 3 weeks since we submitted the last paperwork. They told us a month from the day we submitted everything. And if I know the state (and I do...I work with them everyday), we'll probably be lucky if it is within that month window, and not a day or two later.

I just want an answer. I want DHS to conclude what I already know- that my husband, though he's made mistakes, will be an amazing father. And that placing a child (or a few) in our care will be one of the best decisions made for that child. I want to be able to buy "Baby Bargains" and go clothes shopping on Tax Free Holiday. But I'm having commitment issues. I don't want to purchase another item that, if we aren't approved, will be another reminder that we are stuck.

Logically, I think what you all are probably thinking. "It's just a few more weeks. It's not that long. Just wait, you'll have plenty of time to buy all the stuff you want and need." But it's a rough wait. It's hard to have such an important part of your future in another person's hands.

But for tonight, I'll close the window. I can always order it tomorrow. Tonight, I'll go to bed (and hope to fall asleep despite Dan's loud snoring) and maybe tomorrow I'll get that call from the state. :)

No Use Crying Over Spilled Paint

Picking a paint color for the bedroom we'll use as a nursery has become such a daunting task. I can't have pink (what if it's a boy?), no blue (already have a blue room, and what if it's a girl?), can't have yellow (Dan doesn't like it). Tan would work, but not too dark (it's a small room), and not too light (or we might as well leave it white), and do we want yellow or red undertones, or maybe blue? What about grey instead of tan? Can a baby's room be the same color as my master and hallway?

I took my mom with me this time (trip #4 to the hardware store), because if anyone's going to be able to find the right color, she will. The result of this trip was one frustrated foster-momma-to-be, crying in the middle of the paint section because "this is not how I expected to pick my nursery colors!" Another realization that this journey is not typical, and not always easy.

My mom asked why I was crying, if I really felt like this was the right choice. The only answer to that question is that, despite feeling really good about this decision, there are things I have to let go of. The idea of a baby shower, and of knowing the sex of my child (what did people do before Week 20 Ultrasounds!?) and so many other things. There is an adjustment to the idea that multiple babies may live in this room before our baby makes it a home. How do you create a space for multiple children when each child is unique and special?

The answer (which came to me with my 6:45 am reminder from the cats for their breakfast) is that this space is just that. A space. And each child who graces it with their presence will make it their own. And it will be filled with love, from Day One. And someday, our child will be in that room. And he or she won't care about the color of the walls or the pattern on their crib sheets (at least not right away). He or she will care that we gave them a safe place to call home, and a family who cares for them, and soft place to land when their world is upside down. Because that's what moms and dads do.

And they help you pick out the perfect color of paint (a process I have put on hold for this week).

My Little (Not-So) Secret

I'll go ahead and admit something to you, and it might surprise you:

I'm not all that broken up about not being pregnant.

There you go. I said it. The truth is, I'm not.

I spent a lot of months crying when I got my period. I thought that what I was experiencing was feeling like a failure because I couldn't get something as simple as creating life right. Twelve year olds can do it, for Christ-sake! Crying because I wasn't pregnant, and this was how Dan and I had decided to create a family. I (mistakenly) put a lot of pressure on getting pregnant, because I thought that adoption was an absolute last resort for my husband. Let's back up:

Before I met my husband, and we decided we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, I always thought I would adopt. My picture-perfect family included a perfect little Haitian or African bundle of love (why those races? I have no idea. It was just what I pictured.) Then I met Dan, and we talked about all the things people talk about (or should talk about) before they get married, and it was pretty clear that his preferred way of creating a family was for me to be pregnant. So, whatever, no big deal, the time came to start our family and I thought, as many people do, 'Well, I'll just get pregnant!'

If only it were as easy as 'just getting pregnant.' I gave it a few months of try-and-see-what-happens sex, and then I moved on to temping, and then ovulation prediction kits, and then green teas, Vitex, vitamins...all the home remedies for trouble conceiving. And then we decided to see the RE, did a few tests that gave us an indication of the problem, and we were told to keep it up and come back and see her after we had tried for a year (yeah, I know, I pushed that visit). And then we got the bill, and decided we would just continue trying for a while. And now we sit at almost two years of unsuccessful attempts (and one big disappointing missed period). We sit at the doorstep of fostering-to-adopt, a decision that, while not entered into lightly, is fully supported by my husband and really didn't take as much convincing as I thought.

For some people, BEING pregnant is half the journey and one of the most amazing parts of building a family. For me, it's a means to an end. I'm sure it's an experience unlike any other, and if I were to conceive I would embrace it wholeheartedly. But if I never conceive, and end up with a wonderful adopted child (even if they aren't Haitian or African) and a full family, I'm pretty sure I won't miss being pregnant.


That's my secret, let's keep it between us ;)

Indulging (just a little bit)

Last week, I let myself indulge again in the idea of decorating a nursery. I even convinced Dan to take a quick tour through the baby section at Target. We looked at cribs, and playpens, and bedding, and baskets, and paint colors...and all the other little things that remind me of what's (hopefully) at the end of this road.

We talked about how to arrange the room so it would be easy to make into a nursery with a day or two of notice, but wouldn't have to sit there as a constant reminder of what we don't have. This is such a strange journey we've chosen (or that's chosen us?) and sometimes it's hard to imagine how a family, MY family, will come from such a strange path. But it will. And I have to remember that.

And every once in a while, I have to indulge...just a little bit...to remind myself that our baby is still out there. And will be home soon. Exactly when it's supposed to happen.

Hurry Up and Wait

Well, we're in the "hurry-up-and-wait" phase of this process. On June 14th, we attended our informational session. It was a good experience overall, but left us with more questions than answers. Most of those questions are not things we'll be able to answer until we're working directly with a social worker through the process, so for now we have decided to continue until we feel we shouldn't anymore.

The informational session was about an hour and a half presentation with time to answer questions. Many people in the room were there because they already have a child in their home, or know of a child who needs a foster parent, and they want to be that person. A few of us were there because we wanted to take youth who needed a place to stay. The questions were different based on each situation, but ultimately we came away with the feelings that:

1) Foster parents are needed in our state, and specifically our county.

2) Fostering can be a difficult journey (no big surprise), and the youth who are in the program can be very damaged.

3) It's unlikely that the first placement we get will be our 'forever' baby.

4) We are going to have to be VERY picky, for our sake and the child's sake, with who comes in to our home.

After the presentation, it was time to submit our paperwork. We were fingerprinted- proudly, I can say that was my first time. My husband, unfortunately, can't say the same thing. Once fingerprinting was over, we met with one of the volunteers, who looked over our paperwork, put everything together and took it from us.

We knew that we would have an extra step, in comparison to some applicants. Since Dan had been arrested in college, we knew we would have to answer some extra questions. So on July 2nd, we received a packet with paperwork for Dan to fill out based on the 'who/what/why' of his arrests, and a chance to explain what he had learned and why he should still be approved as a foster parent. He filled those out and attached some documents to help explain things, and that was all submitted yesterday (July 12).

So now we wait (again). A panel convenes monthly to go over all of the situations similar to ours, and determine who is still eligible to foster/adopt. While this isn't the most difficult part of the foster-to-adopt journey, it is the first 'make-or-break' point we have reached. If they say no, this leg of our family-building journey is over. If they say yes, it's only just begun! We should hear within 30 days, and if we are approved, it's on to PS-MAPP classes (10 weeks of classes to prepare us for The System).

We'll keep you updated!

-Jenn