There are so many things that people don't think about in this process. So many little items that would be no big deal to other families, but to families like ours they are much different. Things like when to make the 6-month check up appointment, or when to get a haircut may sound like simple decisions, but can get complicated in the foster care system. And then there's this one:
Friday we got a note in the diaper bag from daycare. They are making a 'Family' book, and would like us to bring in a family photo. Uh-oh.
In "normal" families, this task would be no big deal. It would be as simple as printing one off at Target, and dropping it off when we bring her in one day this week. But in our family, it's a little more complicated. It, at a bare minimum, requires a conversation about what family is, and what it means for us.
As it is, we often get the question "what do you call yourselves?" The answer is, Dan and I refer to ourselves and the rest of our family as Mom, Dad, Grandma/Grandpa, etc. We do this because Lovebug is too young to speak, and it's easier. If we had an older placement, we would probably have discussed it with them, or maybe even their parents, and we may be 'Miss Jenn' or just Jenn and Dan. We also refer to biological family as Mom/Dad/Grandma, again, because it's easiest.
So, now there's the question of the family picture. When we talk about how we want to (eventually) tell our adopted child the story of their life, we have always imagined using phrases like "you are so lucky, you have lots of people who love you, so you have XX mommies and daddies" or "isn't it cool that you have 4 grandmas?"
But you can't explain that in one photo. And we certainly aren't planning to contact Mom and Dad to get a picture with everyone. Our situation is also complicated by the fact that Lovebug's older brothers go to the same daycare, and we are trying to be very aware of their feelings in this process. It's also complicated by the fact that, due to confidentiality, the average joe should really have no reason to know that Lovebug is in foster care. So we can't turn in a photo and say 'Please make sure to refer to us only as foster parents'.
So, we could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers. We could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, and Dan and I and the other foster father. We could request a picture from Mom, but currently her situation probably prevents her from getting one to us.
Ultimately, the photo option we choose is only the catalyst for a much larger discussion. The photo is a small decision, but with big implications. Most likely, we will probably just turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, but it's definitely given us pause for thought, and another layer to navigate in this experience.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
So Many Places to Be!
So, as promised, this entry will be a little overview of the first few days with Lovebug, including all the meetings we attended.
Pick-Up: With Lovebug, I got a call at about 5 pm the night we got her. The call came from Iowa KidsNet, initially, and then I received a second call from the DHS case worker. I asked all of my questions (like, how old, how long the stay, medical needs, other important factors, etc.) Per an agreement that Dan and I had made prior to getting this call, I told them we were interested, but I needed to check with my husband first. After calling my husband (and my mom, because...well...just because that's who I call), I called them back and told them we were ready to accept. By 7:30pm, I had Lovebug home, and had placed my Mommy-911 call to my mother, who came over to help us get things together for the night.
Well-Child Checkup: Within the first day or so of removal, children placed in foster care are taken to a doctor's appointment to assess where their physical health is. They do an exam, and may also take samples to test for drugs or other issues. It was at this visit that Lovebug had some immediate issues that needed to be taken care of. They sent us to urgent care, who sent us to the ER, and Lovebug was admitted for the evening for observation.
Support Worker Check-In: Our support worker (from Iowa KidsNet/Four Oaks) had to schedule an introductory visit to our house within the first couple of months of being assigned to us. It just happened to coincide with our placement with Lovebug.
Doctor Visit: Because of her stay in the hospital, Lovebug had to have a doctor's appointment scheduled with her pediatrician to check in. She passed with flying colors, and the next pediatrician appointment was scheduled for a week later to get caught up on shots.
Visits with Mom/Dad: Lovebug started visits with her parents shortly after her pediatrician cleared her. They typically happen three times a week, for about 2-3 hours each time. A Four Oaks employee picks Lovebug up, takes her (and her brothers, sometimes) to a location determined by her parents and supervises the visit, and then brings her home. These continue indefinitely.
Visit with Guardian Ad Litem: Lovebug had a check in with her attorney about a week or so after she was placed with us. Typically, this visit happens at our home so the attorney can see her in her environment. She will check in occasionally through the process, as necessary.
That pretty well sums up the first couple of weeks. They were hectic, and knowing what I know now I will be more prepared next time. But now, things have calmed down significantly. There's still the visits with her parents, which happen three times a week, and we will also have court appearances starting soon (more on that after the first one).
Well-Child Checkup: Within the first day or so of removal, children placed in foster care are taken to a doctor's appointment to assess where their physical health is. They do an exam, and may also take samples to test for drugs or other issues. It was at this visit that Lovebug had some immediate issues that needed to be taken care of. They sent us to urgent care, who sent us to the ER, and Lovebug was admitted for the evening for observation.
Support Worker Check-In: Our support worker (from Iowa KidsNet/Four Oaks) had to schedule an introductory visit to our house within the first couple of months of being assigned to us. It just happened to coincide with our placement with Lovebug.
Doctor Visit: Because of her stay in the hospital, Lovebug had to have a doctor's appointment scheduled with her pediatrician to check in. She passed with flying colors, and the next pediatrician appointment was scheduled for a week later to get caught up on shots.
Visits with Mom/Dad: Lovebug started visits with her parents shortly after her pediatrician cleared her. They typically happen three times a week, for about 2-3 hours each time. A Four Oaks employee picks Lovebug up, takes her (and her brothers, sometimes) to a location determined by her parents and supervises the visit, and then brings her home. These continue indefinitely.
Visit with Guardian Ad Litem: Lovebug had a check in with her attorney about a week or so after she was placed with us. Typically, this visit happens at our home so the attorney can see her in her environment. She will check in occasionally through the process, as necessary.
That pretty well sums up the first couple of weeks. They were hectic, and knowing what I know now I will be more prepared next time. But now, things have calmed down significantly. There's still the visits with her parents, which happen three times a week, and we will also have court appearances starting soon (more on that after the first one).
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Don't Hate the Player(s)
I thought it would be helpful to give a little insight into the players in the foster care game. There are a lot of them, and my phone has quickly filled up with various contacts related to Lovebug. We also have a pouch on our fridge filled with business cards for social workers, doctors, resources, etc. When we first got Lovebug, our weeks were filled with appointments, which was new to us. If you are looking at this path, be prepared to make time for lots of appointments. (Side note: our situation was complicated with Lovebug being an infant, AND having a stay in the hospital right after we got her).
In this post, I will discuss the variety of people in Lovebug's life. In the next post, I'll discuss the various appointments she had to get to, and still does.
Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc: Lovebug's biological family. We communicate with them fairly regularly via phone and text. I'm not sure if that's typical, but it happened that way for us. At the moment, it hasn't been an issue.
Support Worker: This is a resource for the foster family, and is employed by Iowa KidsNet. We call ours whenever we have questions about protocol, or need to know who to contact for something within 'The System'. She is also responsible for working with us to get re-licensed (a process which starts almost immediately after you get your license in the mail), making sure we get our continuing ed completed, etc. Ours happens to also be our PS-MAPP class instructor.
DHS Emergency Manager: This person gets the initial call to report that there is an issue in a home. It may be from a hospital, tip line, family member, etc. They do the investigation, and initial paperwork that is then submitted to the DHS Case Worker who takes over the case. They are also involved if/when children are removed from the home.
DHS Case Worker: This is the state worker who works with Lovebug's bio family to complete everything necessary to make Lovebug's environment safe and healthy to return to. They are assigned to each case as they come in, and work hard to 'front load' services when possible to make sure that kids don't have to be removed, if at all possible. The DHS Social Worker is employed by the county/state, and represents the family's best interests. It's also important to note that if the kids went home tomorrow and the case was cleaned up, but in a month, or a year, or three years, the family was back in 'The System', this worker would still be assigned to their case, if at all possible.
Attorney/Guardian Ad Litem: Mom, Lovebug, and her siblings all have separate attorneys to represent their best interests in this case. They will attend court hearings, family team meetings, or other official functions as necessary. They are also in communication with DHS and the judge assigned to the case, so if we needed a court order for something, this is who would obtain it for us.
Visits Supervisor: This person works for Four Oaks and is responsible for scheduling visits with parents, picking up/dropping off the kids each time, and supervising things while parents are visiting with their kiddos. This person takes notes each time about how visits went- what was said, how people reacted, etc. And those notes eventually make it into the case file, and are available for everyone's reference.
Pediatrician/Dentist/Therapists/Providers: If the kiddos you are taking in already have services happening for them, you'll need to know these people and have their phone numbers. Because of 'front loading services' (providing all possible services prior to removing children from a home), kiddos may have therapists or other providers they are working with already. It's important to stick with them if at all possible, since so much has already changed for a child. Any continuity you can keep is good.
So those are all the people we've met, so far in this journey. I know that there will be additional people down the line, depending on how each case progresses. Stay tuned for more!
-Jenn
In this post, I will discuss the variety of people in Lovebug's life. In the next post, I'll discuss the various appointments she had to get to, and still does.
Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc: Lovebug's biological family. We communicate with them fairly regularly via phone and text. I'm not sure if that's typical, but it happened that way for us. At the moment, it hasn't been an issue.
Support Worker: This is a resource for the foster family, and is employed by Iowa KidsNet. We call ours whenever we have questions about protocol, or need to know who to contact for something within 'The System'. She is also responsible for working with us to get re-licensed (a process which starts almost immediately after you get your license in the mail), making sure we get our continuing ed completed, etc. Ours happens to also be our PS-MAPP class instructor.
DHS Emergency Manager: This person gets the initial call to report that there is an issue in a home. It may be from a hospital, tip line, family member, etc. They do the investigation, and initial paperwork that is then submitted to the DHS Case Worker who takes over the case. They are also involved if/when children are removed from the home.
DHS Case Worker: This is the state worker who works with Lovebug's bio family to complete everything necessary to make Lovebug's environment safe and healthy to return to. They are assigned to each case as they come in, and work hard to 'front load' services when possible to make sure that kids don't have to be removed, if at all possible. The DHS Social Worker is employed by the county/state, and represents the family's best interests. It's also important to note that if the kids went home tomorrow and the case was cleaned up, but in a month, or a year, or three years, the family was back in 'The System', this worker would still be assigned to their case, if at all possible.
Attorney/Guardian Ad Litem: Mom, Lovebug, and her siblings all have separate attorneys to represent their best interests in this case. They will attend court hearings, family team meetings, or other official functions as necessary. They are also in communication with DHS and the judge assigned to the case, so if we needed a court order for something, this is who would obtain it for us.
Visits Supervisor: This person works for Four Oaks and is responsible for scheduling visits with parents, picking up/dropping off the kids each time, and supervising things while parents are visiting with their kiddos. This person takes notes each time about how visits went- what was said, how people reacted, etc. And those notes eventually make it into the case file, and are available for everyone's reference.
Pediatrician/Dentist/Therapists/Providers: If the kiddos you are taking in already have services happening for them, you'll need to know these people and have their phone numbers. Because of 'front loading services' (providing all possible services prior to removing children from a home), kiddos may have therapists or other providers they are working with already. It's important to stick with them if at all possible, since so much has already changed for a child. Any continuity you can keep is good.
So those are all the people we've met, so far in this journey. I know that there will be additional people down the line, depending on how each case progresses. Stay tuned for more!
-Jenn
Monday, March 11, 2013
Ethical Conundrums
It's becoming more evident each day that Lovebug's stay with us is less 'temporary' than originally planned. When she was accepted into our home, we were expecting to have her for a week or two. We've passed the one month mark, with no end it sight. Which is good and bad. Let me explain.
Good for us! We love having Lovebug, and can't get enough of her gorgeous smile, puffy cheeks and 'kisses' she's recently started practicing. Good in general, because no child is removed without reason, and this case is no exception. The kids (Lovebug has two older brothers at a different foster home), are doing so well all around.
Bad for mom and Lovebug's brothers. Obviously, no one likes the idea of a family being separated, and it's hard for me to imagine having given birth to Lovebug and not be able to see her everyday. Hell, it's hard for me to imagine not seeing her everyday now!
I thought it was time to share some thoughts that have been running through my head in the last month. Fostering is an interesting position to be in, for me personally. I knew I would get attached, and I knew that it would be hard to detach when the time came. I went into this accepting that, on the surface. But now that things are more long-term, I have some serious ethical conundrums going on. CAUTION: I am fully aware that what I'm about to write may be contrary to the mission and vision of foster care. But this is the truth, as I see it, and I believe that people going into this process deserve to have a view of a variety of feelings that come along with this experience.
I work in human services. I want to see people succeed, and I really believe that the education, treatment, and help that human services agencies provide can be life-changing. And when you go through PS-MAPP classes, you learn that it's preferable to have children stay with their parents, as long as they are in a safe environment. But I'm also human. And a parent looking to adopt through this process. And I know that the home and opportunities we provide Lovebug are far different (and, dare I say, better) than the one her mother provides now, and maybe ever will provide.
So, I find myself hoping that mom gets the help she needs...but maybe AFTER we have the opportunity to adopt Lovebug. And when I pray for Lovebug to grow up strong and healthy with a great family...I also hope that family is us. And then I start to feel guilty for hoping and wishing these things, and not just praying for things to work out in the way that is best for all involved.
I am encouraged when I hear from other foster parents that my feelings are not unique or uncommon. But they are uncomfortable feelings for me, regardless of how many other people feel them. So, for today, I remain hopeful that I can find a way to balance my feelings, and be at peace with the things that happen with this case, whatever they are.
And I enjoy baby kisses while they last!
Good for us! We love having Lovebug, and can't get enough of her gorgeous smile, puffy cheeks and 'kisses' she's recently started practicing. Good in general, because no child is removed without reason, and this case is no exception. The kids (Lovebug has two older brothers at a different foster home), are doing so well all around.
Bad for mom and Lovebug's brothers. Obviously, no one likes the idea of a family being separated, and it's hard for me to imagine having given birth to Lovebug and not be able to see her everyday. Hell, it's hard for me to imagine not seeing her everyday now!
I thought it was time to share some thoughts that have been running through my head in the last month. Fostering is an interesting position to be in, for me personally. I knew I would get attached, and I knew that it would be hard to detach when the time came. I went into this accepting that, on the surface. But now that things are more long-term, I have some serious ethical conundrums going on. CAUTION: I am fully aware that what I'm about to write may be contrary to the mission and vision of foster care. But this is the truth, as I see it, and I believe that people going into this process deserve to have a view of a variety of feelings that come along with this experience.
I work in human services. I want to see people succeed, and I really believe that the education, treatment, and help that human services agencies provide can be life-changing. And when you go through PS-MAPP classes, you learn that it's preferable to have children stay with their parents, as long as they are in a safe environment. But I'm also human. And a parent looking to adopt through this process. And I know that the home and opportunities we provide Lovebug are far different (and, dare I say, better) than the one her mother provides now, and maybe ever will provide.
So, I find myself hoping that mom gets the help she needs...but maybe AFTER we have the opportunity to adopt Lovebug. And when I pray for Lovebug to grow up strong and healthy with a great family...I also hope that family is us. And then I start to feel guilty for hoping and wishing these things, and not just praying for things to work out in the way that is best for all involved.
I am encouraged when I hear from other foster parents that my feelings are not unique or uncommon. But they are uncomfortable feelings for me, regardless of how many other people feel them. So, for today, I remain hopeful that I can find a way to balance my feelings, and be at peace with the things that happen with this case, whatever they are.
And I enjoy baby kisses while they last!
Friday, March 8, 2013
You Might Be a Mom If...
A few days ago, I eluded alluded (thanks, grammar Nazi :) ) to this post on my Facebook page. The last month has brought many moments that have had me saying 'Well...that's not normal.' Except that it is, now. It's just a new normal. So here's my list of signs that you might be a mom:
1. If you've ever been humming a catchy tune in your office during the day, and realized that it is actually a Mozart number...from the baby's sound machine.
2. If you've ever reached into your coat pocket for gloves, and instead returned with several snotty tissues, a pacifier, and a plastic set of 'car keys'.
3. If you've ever fed the baby, realized she smelled so you changed her, re-dressed her, put her to bed, and still smelled it...and then realized she left you a little something on your pants, and that it was you who may be the smelly one.
4. If you've ever raced home to change between work and another meeting, pulled something out of the laundry basket and had to do the 'sniff test' to decide if that was the clean laundry or the dirty laundry. And if it's the dirty laundry, how dirty is 'dirty'?
5. If you think nothing of wiping snot with your fingers, if nothing else its handy.
6. If you have ever found yourself checking a poopy diaper to find out what kind of poop was there...almost eagerly.
7. If you've ever felt like a pack mule, as you head out the door to work in the morning with a variety of different sized bags- diaper bag, computer bag, lunch bag, canvas bag with junk...maybe one or two more.
That's what I've got so far (remember, I'm new at this!) What else needs to be added? Hit me with your best shot!
-Jenn
6. If you have ever found yourself checking a poopy diaper to find out what kind of poop was there...almost eagerly.
7. If you've ever felt like a pack mule, as you head out the door to work in the morning with a variety of different sized bags- diaper bag, computer bag, lunch bag, canvas bag with junk...maybe one or two more.
That's what I've got so far (remember, I'm new at this!) What else needs to be added? Hit me with your best shot!
-Jenn
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