ReMoved

I have struggled this week with the foster care world. Lovebug's "Bro Bro" stayed with us over the weekend, because he was "in transition"

That's the polite way of saying they had no home for him.

His former foster family was not able to have him stay in the home, due to a variety of behaviors. And so he stayed with us from Thursday until Monday morning. The last thing I knew before he came to stay with us was that we needed to drop him at school on Monday morning. The case worker would take it from there.

Have you ever had to look into the eyes of a 12 year old and tell them "No, hunny, I'm sorry. I don't know where you'll be tonight"?

I have. They were some of the hardest words I've ever had to say.

And while my brain knows that our family is not equipped to handle him, for a variety of reasons, and that we were very clear about our inability to take older children going into this process, my heart breaks for him.

It's easy to turn down older children when you don't know them. Saying no to a child whom you know extremely well, and you are still tied to (and may possibly be for the rest of his life), is much. much. harder.

And then I saw this video today, and I've been a blubbering mess all day.

(Caution: there are graphic images of domestic violence)

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

Old Wounds

Lovebug's brothers, who live with a different foster family, are being split up. There will now be three children in three different homes.

And as difficult as I know the decision was to separate them, it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Lovebug's oldest brother has always had some significant issues, and they are manifesting in pretty substantial ways lately. The stress of the case has really gotten to him. For the rest of the family he lives with, including his younger brother, it's best that he live in a different home.

I can't help but feel a little jaded about the whole foster care world, when I think about how long Lovebug's brothers were exposed to such, in one person's term, madness. For as many cases as there are like Lovebug's (she was identified early and removed promptly), there are so many more cases like her older brothers.

The first night I picked Lovebug up, I met J, her oldest brother. His first questions were "where will she sleep? do you have food for her? what about clothes?" And it broke my heart, because those were the questions of a boy who had been responsible all too often for providing for his younger siblings.

As time went on, and it was obvious that J had major issues as a result of his upbringing, I always wondered why no one brought it to the attention of DHS sooner. Why did it take this long to recognize this family, and get them the care they so desperately needed?

Over the last year, just as Lovebug has become a part of our family, so have her brothers, and their foster dad. Tonight, I pray for my family, that peace finds them all. That everyone ends up exactly where they are supposed to be.

And that the wounds of the past are patched with the love of the present, and hope for the future.

Another brick in the road

Wow. It's been a while, huh? Let me give you a brief overview of how I feel the last couple of days weeks months (yikes) have gone.

1. Lovebug got sick
2. I got sick
3. Lovebug got sick
4. I got sick
5. I got sick
6. Christmas
7. Lovebug got sick
8. I got sick
9. Valentine's Day (no one was sick for a whole month!)
10. Lovebug's 11 year old brother stayed with us for a week
11. TPR Trial
12. Lovebug got sick (are you noticing the theme yet?)

Not that sickness is the only thing that happened, it just feels like it. They say the first year is the worst, in terms of illness. And good news, we celebrated one whole year with the little munchkin on Feb. 5!

The big news, in terms of foster care world, was the TPR (termination of parental rights) trial. The trial was held on Feb. 24, and was an all day affair. Bio-mom testified for most of the morning, followed by the DHS case worker, lunch, more of the case worker, the visit supervisor, and finally rebuttal by bio-mom and the case worker.

Basically, the testimony included answering questions about the entire history of the case. Ultimately, bio-mom's lawyer attempted to establish reasons why she (bio-mom) should be given more time to complete her plan The state's attorney attempted to prove that "reasonable efforts" (a key term in foster care) had been made to reunify the family, and that it was in the best interests of the children to terminate parental rights and place them up for adoption.

What I found surprising was that I wasn't surprised about much of anything said during the trial. From what I heard, I expected to find out a lot of things I hadn't known. I give credit to the DHS caseworker and Lovebug's attorney for keeping us in the loop. I'm really impressed with both of them.

Bio-mom didn't come out looking great after trial, and frankly I felt that even her lawyer had a hard time selling her side. There were some inappropriate lines of questioning during testimony, and a few tears, but nothing as dramatic as we expected.

At the end of the day, the judge "took the matter under advisement" and will issue a ruling at a later date. We are waiting for the ruling to come (the judge has 90 days by law). Until it does, we continue with visits and the reunification plan.

If the ruling comes down and it's to terminate parental rights, then there will be one final visit within 24-48 hours. In order to rule in bio-mom's favor, there has to be a significant indication that the children could be returned home quickly, or an indication that the state did not provide reasonable efforts to help the family reunify. If that's the case, then there will be a date set to review the case again in 3-6 months.

And so we wait for the next step...