Baby Veronica: My Take

Disclaimer: I don't have experience with ICWA, or full-blown adoption, even (yet). All I know is what it feels like to want to be a parent, to be gifted that opportunity, and to fear that it will be taken away from me. It is with that knowledge that I comment on this story.

Have you heard about Baby Veronica? I'm going to give you a run-down of the case (which has been ruled on by the Supreme Court already), as I understand it.

Baby Veronica (Baby V) was conceived by a woman and a man out of wedlock. Birth dad signed away his rights, and birth mom ultimately felt it was best that she be placed up for open adoption. Birth mom found a couple who were more than willing to involve birth mom in Baby V's life, and Baby V went to live with adoptive parents.

Before the adoption was finalized, birth dad reappears. He wants Baby V back, and says that he never would have signed his rights away if he had known that birth mom was going to give her up for adoption. The South Carolina court system ruled in favor of birth dad, and sent Baby V to live with him at the age of 2.

How? Well, he capitalized on a law designed to protect the rights of Native Americans, and to keep Native American children in touch with their culture (Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA). He claimed that because he was part Cherokee, so was Baby V, and she should remain with her Cherokee family. Birth father, who had never practiced his Cherokee roots, or belonged to a tribe, sent his blood in to be tested, and also Baby V's. Baby V's results said she was 3/256th's Cherokee.

The adoptive parents have fought, hard, for two years. At the South Carolina court, the ruling was overturned on appeal, and Baby V was ordered back to her adoptive parents. The fight continued to the Supreme Court, and a ruling was issued in June, again ordering Baby V back to her adoptive parents.

But still, Baby V has remained on Cherokee land, protected by Cherokee marshals, in Oklahoma. Her birth father was arrested in August for "interference with custodial acts". But still, Baby V remains in his custody. Yesterday, the Oklahoma courts ruled in favor of birth dad, and has ordered an emergency stay to keep Baby V where she is.

As you can probably sense, I side with the adoptive parents on this one. I can't say if I would feel differently if birth father was a practicing member of the Cherokee nation, and had been his whole life. But the way ICWA has been used in this case is really disturbing to me. It's almost as if the law is being used in the exact opposite way it was intended, and has stripped a child from a home she knew and loved, only to be catapulted into a tug of war.

As a future adoptive parent, I can assure you this is one of my worst nightmares. As a foster parent, I recognize the primary goal of reunification, and support it when it's possible. There are parents who make mistakes, who truly want and love their children, and who do whatever it takes to get them back. But when reunification isn't possible, and adoption is the next best option, why is blood more important than the home a child has grown up in?

This question hits home for me, as we inch slowly closer to signs of adoption. Now, instead of "when is Lovebug going home?", our questions tend to be more like "do you think they will find some distant relative and decide that person is a better fit than us?" I can't imagine spending two years raising Lovebug, going to adoption, and then being told that an aunt or uncle, who's never spent time with this child or called to check in, or requested a visit at all, is being chosen over my family to adopt the baby I love.

I have no doubt that Baby V's birth father loves her, and at this point, knows her well and she probably loves him too. But just because his heart pumps blood that matches hers, doesn't mean the adoptive parents' hearts are pumping less love because their blood doesn't match.

-Jenn

11 Months Old Today!

This darling little baby who came to us as a little, droopy, sick 4.5 month old is now a healthy (sometimes raspy and snotty) 11 months old today! She's crawling (sometimes faster than I can get off the couch to stop her), she's smiling, and babbling, and playing with everything (including the strings, cat fur balls and various other gross items she can pull out of no where).

She says 'MomMomMom' when she wants me, and every kid in the store is 'BeeBee!'

Ask her who DaDa is and she points to Dan and grins (still won't say it, no matter how often he tries to coach her!)

Tell her 'Say hi!' or 'Say bye-bye' and she waves. Sometimes she'll even make a noise that sounds like 'Hi!'

She's transitioning to milk, starting yesterday. And she eats almost anything you put in front of her...except for my homemade peach rice cereal and the microwaved scrambled egg from this morning.

She loves her walker, and climbing stairs with help. She'll even walk next to you if you hold her hand...but don't ask her to do it by herself!

And she even wears little shoes (mostly to please bio-mom)!

Case update: There isn't one. We have been advised to continue planning her birthday party, and encouraged to think about Halloween costumes. As far as I know, there are no meetings or any other important dates that could signify movement on this case until December, when the court will hold a permanency hearing.

We'll keep you posted!

The Danger in Building Relationships with Bios

In five days, we will have had Lovebug for six months. Six hard, awesome, amazing, scary, thrilling, lovely months.

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me where this was going, I would have told you it wasn't likely they were going home. Sad for bio mom and dad, but good for us.

This week, it's a different story. Lately, there seems to be a definite shift with bio-Mom. Bio-dad...eh...but bio-Mom seems to be pulling herself together.

I have always said that bio-mom would be a great parent, if she could cut a few things out of her life and get her head on straight. She loves her kids, she's smart, she's kind. I've always said that if she could cut those things out, I could feel good about sending Lovebug home.

Well, that's a lot easier said when things aren't going well. Today, as it's becoming evident that those things are being cut out, and that she may be making permanent changes for the better in her life, I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea of Lovebug going home. For the first time since this case started, I'm finding myself dealing with the reality that Lovebug may not be the baby we're meant to have. And that we may have to start this journey over again in a few months/next year. And the truth is, that breaks my heart.

Bio-Mom promises to keep in touch, to keep us a part of Lovebug's life once she goes home. She can't imagine being in our shoes, doing what we do. She says we have helped change her life, and she makes all the other people she knows with kids in foster care jealous when she talks about us and how we work with her.

Someday, I know that will feel really amazing to hear. Today, it makes me cry and want to shut down completely. As if, by NOT communicating, by NOT assisting with things, it will somehow make sending Lovebug home easier. Logically, I know that's not the truth.

This may just be a phase, and that there's a distinct possibility that in a few more weeks, things will go back to the way they were. But today, these feelings are real, and difficult to process.

Breakfast Time

Mornings are hard in my house. I'm trying a variety of things to make them go easier/faster...but for some reason I just can't get out the door in a timely fashion! One of our biggest morning sticking points is breakfast. Lovebug is still too little to send her out the door munching on something in the car, and it easily takes her 10-15 minutes to get those little bits of fruit and cherrios into her mouth (and of course, into the cats' mouths as well).

I also have food issues, and I want to make sure that she's getting a healthy breakfast (and not the coffee and poptart crap I feed myself). This has actually been a really good thing, because it's forcing me to consider my eating habits, and much of what I feed her, I can actually eat myself! And so, I present Mom and Baby morning muffins!

This is actually a variation of this recipe and this one.

Banana Blueberry Oatmeal Muffins

3 eggs

1 Tablespoon vanilla extract

1 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 cup (I used a little less) brown sugar

2 bananas, sliced

1 cup of blueberries, fresh

5 cups of Quick Cook Oats

1 teaspoon salt

3 teaspoons baking powder

2 1/2 cup milk (I used 1%)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

In large bowl, combine eggs, vanilla and applesauce and mix well.

Add brown sugar, bananas and blueberries (or other fruit). (You can also add chocolate chips, but add them last, if you do!)

In a separate bowl, combine oats, salt, and baking powder.

Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients.

Add milk, and stir to combine.

Spray mini-muffin pan and large muffin pan (or use liners) with cooking spray.

Scoop mixture into muffin cups- I put one pan of minis and 1 pan of large in together. 

Bake! I put the minis in for 20 minutes, and the larges for 35 minutes. It made 36 minis and 12 large with some left over (I could have put more batter in the large cups).

This morning, I broke one up for Lovebug and served it with some pears and apples I had steamed on Sunday as well. She loved it!

So did the cats :)

Taking the Words Out of My Mouth

There's a post I've been struggling to write. Not because it's difficult to say, necessarily, but because I feel like it's already been written for me. 

I read a lot of foster/adoption blogs, and many of them express feelings and experiences similar to mine. But very few posts ring so true, and touch me so deeply, right into my inner soul, as the one I'm going to share with you in a few minutes.

Before you read it, you should know that even though the feelings expressed in this post are so true, and so right on the mark, it doesn't mean that I'll never be frustrated with things again. It doesn't mean I don't see the holes in this process, and that I don't cry and scream when things go badly. What it does mean is that everyone is human. And that you can't successfully go through an experience like fostering without becoming a bigger person.

But that doesn't mean that fostering is the only way to broaden your horizons on loving other human beings for who they are. I challenge you, after you've read this post, to question how you love your fellow humans- not just the ones you call friends and family, but the ones you'll never meet. People who struggle, who make poor choices, who hurt...

Check out That's my baby mama, a post by another foster/adoptive mom in Connecticut.

And then practice loving, and gratitude.

-Jenn

One of "Those People"

Not one year ago I was complaining about "those people" who plan absurd, extravagant affairs for a one year old's birthday.

Today, I'm looking at things like this for inspiration:

  

 
 

And I may have priced tents, popcorn makers, and other totally unnecessary items.

Someone stop me.

Or don't, and plan to attend a totally kickass one year old birthday party in September. Your choice. :)

Foster Care Review Boards, or, Feeling Heard (Hooray!)

First off: Today marks 4 months with Lovebug in our house! Seriously, these have been a few of the best/worst/crazy/amazing months of our lives.

Secondly: Today we attended the first meeting we've had in this process where we felt comfortable speaking freely, sharing our thoughts, and felt really heard. WOOHOO! A small bit of success in this crazy journey!

We attended the Foster Care Review Board (FCRB) meeting. The FCRB is a group of volunteers (devided by county) who get together and review foster care cases for all the kids in the county and send recommendations to the judge. They are housed under the Department of Inspections and Appeals, so they can review DHS and state attorneys without misconceptions of conflicts of interest. They review all the parties- DHS, attorneys, foster parents, birth parents, etc. To ensure that the kids are receiving the best care that they can be.

Dan and I were really nervous about this meeting at first. We had heard from other foster parents that it's intimidating and that they prefer not to attend because they feel judged and uncomfortable. Let me start by saying, we did not feel that way at all. That may be attributed to the fact that we are the only people who showed up in person (aside from the board members, obviously), but we felt very welcomed and included.

When we came in, we were greeted warmly, we introduced Lovebug and let her charm their pants off, and then we got down to business. First, we gave a very brief updated of what Lovebug was doing these days (learning to sit up on her own from a crawling position, working on learning to crawl, pull herself up, and cruise furniture). After that, the coordinator read out loud a few statements that were sent by DHS and Lovebug's attorney (who couldn't make it because of court dates for other cases). After those statements were read, we spent about half an hour discussing the case- situations that had happened, was Lovebug getting everything she needed, were there any concerns, how were her brothers around her, how was she on visits or after them, did her parents provide things at visits or what kinds of things did they do, etc. Because her brothers and their foster dad weren't able to make it, I did answer a few questions regarding them or what I understood to be the case. Nothing that I felt uncomfortable with, and only things I had concrete information to share.

Dan and I felt we were able to share important information- all of it true, concise accounts of things that had happened. I never lied, I was very careful not to let my bias interfere with what I was saying, and I never said anything that was unfair. I was also able to provide documentation of any significant issues we've had since Lovebug was in our care (just a simple timeline). For example:
"X/X/13- Text from biomom
X/X/13- Dr visit- Dr reported XYZ, suggested XYZ. Biomom/dad made aware of dr. appt on X/X/13 but did not attend.
X/X/13- Visit cancelled due to..."
It sounded like that was a helpful tool to add to their files. I will continue to keep it updated going forward.

And then, the all important question about our interest in adoption. Which, of course, we said we would be interested in.

Ultimately, I don't know how much a judge looks at these notes/recommendations, but it was great to feel validated and told that we were doing a great job because of XYZ, rather than 'Hey, thanks for being foster parents.' like anyone could do it, you just happen to be there. It means so much when people notice the specific care that is put into things for Lovebug, and the time and dedication we spend not only repairing old wounds (physical and emotional), but also preventing new ones. That we are equal partners in this process, and that we know these kids (sometimes) better than their biological parents.

Everyone who was invited will receive notes from this meeting within 15 days, and those notes will include their recommendation. I think this review board idea is the best part of the process I've dealt with yet! Thank goodness, because I don't know if I could have attended another bad meeting. :)

-Jenn