Termination

Ugh! I know...every time I write one of these I promise to be better at updating it. So I'll stop. It's time to face the music- I'm just a crappy blogger.

That being said...let's get to the updating! If you checked out the Foster-to-Adopt Timeline you may already know that termination of parental rights occurred in May. There are a lot of reasons it's taken me this long to write this post. but one main reason is that it took me a while to process this.

When I got the call, I was thrilled to hear that there was a light at the end of this tunnel. That soon the crazy-ness of Four Oaks, and visits, and bio mom would be over. But it was Friday evening, and I was on my way out of town, and I didn't have a lot of time to think about the implications of this monumental event.

But over the weekend, I began to think about my life, my baby's life, and the life that her bio-mom has had...and then I thought about the life that bio-mom will have. As I held my baby early one morning, I felt the most overwhelming feelings- blessed, for the little life I hold so dear, sad for a mother who's illness has torn apart her family, happy to be nearing a finish line, and then guilty that I'm happy...

Don't get me wrong- every bit of this is right for these kids. They need safety, permanency, consistency, and the ability to adjust to this new life. And bio-mom had every chance to pull it together, and didn't. Intellectually I know all of that.

But the weekend that the orders came down, as I rocked my curly-headed princess while she sang me 'Twinkle Twinkle' and 'ABC LALALALA P', I broke down at the thought of someone telling me I would never see my child again. The thought was completely overwhelming.

About a week later, the kids had their final visit with bio-mom. Dan and I met the workers and another foster parent to pick the kids up, and it was clear from everyone's reactions that the evening had not been an easy one. In fact, they were about 40 minutes late getting back (from the visit around the corner).

It took Lovebug a day or two to adjust. She was clingy, and nervous, and slept a lot for a couple of days, but by the end of the week she was back to her old self. These days, she's happy (mostly), sleeps very well, doesn't even notice when I leave daycare in the morning, and seems pretty well adjusted.

We met with an adoption attorney last week, and are beginning the prep work necessary to adopt Lovebug, if we're given the chance. And with any luck, I'll be able to post pictures of her second birthday party here for all to see!

I believe that this is right, for a hundred different reasons. But, like most everything in life, right doesn't always mean easy.

ReMoved

I have struggled this week with the foster care world. Lovebug's "Bro Bro" stayed with us over the weekend, because he was "in transition"

That's the polite way of saying they had no home for him.

His former foster family was not able to have him stay in the home, due to a variety of behaviors. And so he stayed with us from Thursday until Monday morning. The last thing I knew before he came to stay with us was that we needed to drop him at school on Monday morning. The case worker would take it from there.

Have you ever had to look into the eyes of a 12 year old and tell them "No, hunny, I'm sorry. I don't know where you'll be tonight"?

I have. They were some of the hardest words I've ever had to say.

And while my brain knows that our family is not equipped to handle him, for a variety of reasons, and that we were very clear about our inability to take older children going into this process, my heart breaks for him.

It's easy to turn down older children when you don't know them. Saying no to a child whom you know extremely well, and you are still tied to (and may possibly be for the rest of his life), is much. much. harder.

And then I saw this video today, and I've been a blubbering mess all day.

(Caution: there are graphic images of domestic violence)

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

Old Wounds

Lovebug's brothers, who live with a different foster family, are being split up. There will now be three children in three different homes.

And as difficult as I know the decision was to separate them, it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Lovebug's oldest brother has always had some significant issues, and they are manifesting in pretty substantial ways lately. The stress of the case has really gotten to him. For the rest of the family he lives with, including his younger brother, it's best that he live in a different home.

I can't help but feel a little jaded about the whole foster care world, when I think about how long Lovebug's brothers were exposed to such, in one person's term, madness. For as many cases as there are like Lovebug's (she was identified early and removed promptly), there are so many more cases like her older brothers.

The first night I picked Lovebug up, I met J, her oldest brother. His first questions were "where will she sleep? do you have food for her? what about clothes?" And it broke my heart, because those were the questions of a boy who had been responsible all too often for providing for his younger siblings.

As time went on, and it was obvious that J had major issues as a result of his upbringing, I always wondered why no one brought it to the attention of DHS sooner. Why did it take this long to recognize this family, and get them the care they so desperately needed?

Over the last year, just as Lovebug has become a part of our family, so have her brothers, and their foster dad. Tonight, I pray for my family, that peace finds them all. That everyone ends up exactly where they are supposed to be.

And that the wounds of the past are patched with the love of the present, and hope for the future.

Another brick in the road

Wow. It's been a while, huh? Let me give you a brief overview of how I feel the last couple of days weeks months (yikes) have gone.

1. Lovebug got sick
2. I got sick
3. Lovebug got sick
4. I got sick
5. I got sick
6. Christmas
7. Lovebug got sick
8. I got sick
9. Valentine's Day (no one was sick for a whole month!)
10. Lovebug's 11 year old brother stayed with us for a week
11. TPR Trial
12. Lovebug got sick (are you noticing the theme yet?)

Not that sickness is the only thing that happened, it just feels like it. They say the first year is the worst, in terms of illness. And good news, we celebrated one whole year with the little munchkin on Feb. 5!

The big news, in terms of foster care world, was the TPR (termination of parental rights) trial. The trial was held on Feb. 24, and was an all day affair. Bio-mom testified for most of the morning, followed by the DHS case worker, lunch, more of the case worker, the visit supervisor, and finally rebuttal by bio-mom and the case worker.

Basically, the testimony included answering questions about the entire history of the case. Ultimately, bio-mom's lawyer attempted to establish reasons why she (bio-mom) should be given more time to complete her plan The state's attorney attempted to prove that "reasonable efforts" (a key term in foster care) had been made to reunify the family, and that it was in the best interests of the children to terminate parental rights and place them up for adoption.

What I found surprising was that I wasn't surprised about much of anything said during the trial. From what I heard, I expected to find out a lot of things I hadn't known. I give credit to the DHS caseworker and Lovebug's attorney for keeping us in the loop. I'm really impressed with both of them.

Bio-mom didn't come out looking great after trial, and frankly I felt that even her lawyer had a hard time selling her side. There were some inappropriate lines of questioning during testimony, and a few tears, but nothing as dramatic as we expected.

At the end of the day, the judge "took the matter under advisement" and will issue a ruling at a later date. We are waiting for the ruling to come (the judge has 90 days by law). Until it does, we continue with visits and the reunification plan.

If the ruling comes down and it's to terminate parental rights, then there will be one final visit within 24-48 hours. In order to rule in bio-mom's favor, there has to be a significant indication that the children could be returned home quickly, or an indication that the state did not provide reasonable efforts to help the family reunify. If that's the case, then there will be a date set to review the case again in 3-6 months.

And so we wait for the next step...

The Most Awkward (and Important) Conversation of My Life

"Children born to another mother call me 'Mom'. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." -Jody Landers*

I have struggled over the last 11 months to manage my emotions and my relationship with Lovebug's biological mother (referred to here as "K"). It has always been a priority of mine that she is treated with respect in person, and (as much as I'm capable of) in private as well.

I have always approached this relationship with the understanding that someday I may have to tell Lovebug about her. I would need to speak about K, the woman who, for all her faults, loved her children. Even though sometimes it was hard to see.

And then yesterday, I had a conversation through text with K. It was the kind of monumental conversation that reminds me that there are real people, a real family, being affected by this process.

She asked us to adopt Lovebug, if she couldn't keep her rights.

She thanked me for everything (as she has done before), and said she couldn't imagine Lovebug with anyone else. And she promised not to interfere, but requested that she not be forgotten. And that maybe we update her on how Lovebug was growing up.

And it seems like such a small request from a woman who has given me one of the greatest gifts of my life. 11 (almost 12) months of joy and love (maybe even a lifetime more).

I still can't say how much I'm willing to commit to updating her, or exactly what boundary lines we will establish. But I am more committed than ever to reminding myself that my greatest gift could be K's greatest loss. And that respect for her loss may be all I can offer in return. And that I owe her that much.




*Thanks to my friend Cassie for the quote that spoke to my heart today.

I Sorta Left You Hanging...

First, let me clarify that Lovebug is still hanging at our place and tearing the house apart! Sorry about the lack of updates! I got a new job, I have this thing called a one year old...life has been a little busy!

Let me catch you up on all the happenings in our foster world. First, nothing has changed...and everything has changed. Lovebug is still in our home, and has been. There was a brief (and I mean, one week) period where visits moved from supervised to semisupervised. In foster world terms, that indicates a change in the status of the case, towards reunification.

The change didn't last long, and things were moved back  before the end of October. So, while Lovebug's biological parents still have time to work towards reunification, in December we attended a court hearing where a trial date was set for termination of parental rights (tpr).

So, at the end of February, we will attend a day long trial to cover the history of the case and evidence will be presented for the judge to determine if every reasonable effort was made to reunify the family. The judge most likely will not decide that day whether to terminate or not. Typically it takes 30-60 days to get a ruling. Once that ruling comes, if it is to terminate, there will be one more visit for goodbyes to be said.

After that happens, the kids' lawyer (their guardian ad litem) will give permission for things while paperwork is processed to put them into the adoption phase. Dan and I, and the foster parent who has the boys, will go into the running to adopt the children.

But all of that is still many months away.

For now, we are enjoying a little 15-month old beauty with no fear and a level of smarts I'm astounded by everyday. She knows some colors, lots of words and can climb with the best of them!

The First Call: Questions to Ask Iowa KidsNet

I had mentioned in a previous post that during our PS-MAPP class, I had put together a list of questions to ask when we got our first phone call. Since Lovebug was an emergency placement that was only expected to stay for a few days to a week, I didn't end up using the sheet for her call. And since we're only ready for one little at this point, I haven't used the questions since.

But none-the-less, I think they are useful. I have a copy on my computer at work, on my Google drive (which I can access from my phone) and a printed copy in our family binder (more on that soon).

Here's the list of questions Dan and I decided were important to know in advance, when possible. Keep in mind, when children go into care (especially if it's an emergency removal), they don't always have all the answers to these questions. They will give you whatever information they have, when you ask the questions. There are some things, like race/ethnicity, that you must ask, if it matters to you. Discrimination laws prevent them from stating that information outright.

Name

Age:

Sex:

Age/DOB:

Race:

Legal Status:

Reason for Removal:

If abuse- what kind of abuse, severity:

Previous Placements or Parents History with DHS:

Siblings- How many, ages and status:

Physical Disabilities or Special Needs and Services Provided: 

Social Delays/Disabilities and Services Provided:

Dietary Needs: 

Health Needs (allergies, medications, etc.): 

Permanency Plan/Expected Length of Stay: 

Details on Visits with Birth Parents/Social Workers (supervised, length and frequency, child’s reaction, ect): 

Expectations with Birth Parents: 

Are they attending daycare- where and when: 

Is there anything I’ve forgotten that would be important to know for caring for this child: 

Hope this is helpful for someone! Soon I'll be compiling a section for tools on this blog, and it will include things like this, our Family Binder, organizing Lovebug's paperwork, etc. Come back soon and check it out!

Baby Veronica: My Take

Disclaimer: I don't have experience with ICWA, or full-blown adoption, even (yet). All I know is what it feels like to want to be a parent, to be gifted that opportunity, and to fear that it will be taken away from me. It is with that knowledge that I comment on this story.

Have you heard about Baby Veronica? I'm going to give you a run-down of the case (which has been ruled on by the Supreme Court already), as I understand it.

Baby Veronica (Baby V) was conceived by a woman and a man out of wedlock. Birth dad signed away his rights, and birth mom ultimately felt it was best that she be placed up for open adoption. Birth mom found a couple who were more than willing to involve birth mom in Baby V's life, and Baby V went to live with adoptive parents.

Before the adoption was finalized, birth dad reappears. He wants Baby V back, and says that he never would have signed his rights away if he had known that birth mom was going to give her up for adoption. The South Carolina court system ruled in favor of birth dad, and sent Baby V to live with him at the age of 2.

How? Well, he capitalized on a law designed to protect the rights of Native Americans, and to keep Native American children in touch with their culture (Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA). He claimed that because he was part Cherokee, so was Baby V, and she should remain with her Cherokee family. Birth father, who had never practiced his Cherokee roots, or belonged to a tribe, sent his blood in to be tested, and also Baby V's. Baby V's results said she was 3/256th's Cherokee.

The adoptive parents have fought, hard, for two years. At the South Carolina court, the ruling was overturned on appeal, and Baby V was ordered back to her adoptive parents. The fight continued to the Supreme Court, and a ruling was issued in June, again ordering Baby V back to her adoptive parents.

But still, Baby V has remained on Cherokee land, protected by Cherokee marshals, in Oklahoma. Her birth father was arrested in August for "interference with custodial acts". But still, Baby V remains in his custody. Yesterday, the Oklahoma courts ruled in favor of birth dad, and has ordered an emergency stay to keep Baby V where she is.

As you can probably sense, I side with the adoptive parents on this one. I can't say if I would feel differently if birth father was a practicing member of the Cherokee nation, and had been his whole life. But the way ICWA has been used in this case is really disturbing to me. It's almost as if the law is being used in the exact opposite way it was intended, and has stripped a child from a home she knew and loved, only to be catapulted into a tug of war.

As a future adoptive parent, I can assure you this is one of my worst nightmares. As a foster parent, I recognize the primary goal of reunification, and support it when it's possible. There are parents who make mistakes, who truly want and love their children, and who do whatever it takes to get them back. But when reunification isn't possible, and adoption is the next best option, why is blood more important than the home a child has grown up in?

This question hits home for me, as we inch slowly closer to signs of adoption. Now, instead of "when is Lovebug going home?", our questions tend to be more like "do you think they will find some distant relative and decide that person is a better fit than us?" I can't imagine spending two years raising Lovebug, going to adoption, and then being told that an aunt or uncle, who's never spent time with this child or called to check in, or requested a visit at all, is being chosen over my family to adopt the baby I love.

I have no doubt that Baby V's birth father loves her, and at this point, knows her well and she probably loves him too. But just because his heart pumps blood that matches hers, doesn't mean the adoptive parents' hearts are pumping less love because their blood doesn't match.

-Jenn

11 Months Old Today!

This darling little baby who came to us as a little, droopy, sick 4.5 month old is now a healthy (sometimes raspy and snotty) 11 months old today! She's crawling (sometimes faster than I can get off the couch to stop her), she's smiling, and babbling, and playing with everything (including the strings, cat fur balls and various other gross items she can pull out of no where).

She says 'MomMomMom' when she wants me, and every kid in the store is 'BeeBee!'

Ask her who DaDa is and she points to Dan and grins (still won't say it, no matter how often he tries to coach her!)

Tell her 'Say hi!' or 'Say bye-bye' and she waves. Sometimes she'll even make a noise that sounds like 'Hi!'

She's transitioning to milk, starting yesterday. And she eats almost anything you put in front of her...except for my homemade peach rice cereal and the microwaved scrambled egg from this morning.

She loves her walker, and climbing stairs with help. She'll even walk next to you if you hold her hand...but don't ask her to do it by herself!

And she even wears little shoes (mostly to please bio-mom)!

Case update: There isn't one. We have been advised to continue planning her birthday party, and encouraged to think about Halloween costumes. As far as I know, there are no meetings or any other important dates that could signify movement on this case until December, when the court will hold a permanency hearing.

We'll keep you posted!

The Danger in Building Relationships with Bios

In five days, we will have had Lovebug for six months. Six hard, awesome, amazing, scary, thrilling, lovely months.

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me where this was going, I would have told you it wasn't likely they were going home. Sad for bio mom and dad, but good for us.

This week, it's a different story. Lately, there seems to be a definite shift with bio-Mom. Bio-dad...eh...but bio-Mom seems to be pulling herself together.

I have always said that bio-mom would be a great parent, if she could cut a few things out of her life and get her head on straight. She loves her kids, she's smart, she's kind. I've always said that if she could cut those things out, I could feel good about sending Lovebug home.

Well, that's a lot easier said when things aren't going well. Today, as it's becoming evident that those things are being cut out, and that she may be making permanent changes for the better in her life, I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea of Lovebug going home. For the first time since this case started, I'm finding myself dealing with the reality that Lovebug may not be the baby we're meant to have. And that we may have to start this journey over again in a few months/next year. And the truth is, that breaks my heart.

Bio-Mom promises to keep in touch, to keep us a part of Lovebug's life once she goes home. She can't imagine being in our shoes, doing what we do. She says we have helped change her life, and she makes all the other people she knows with kids in foster care jealous when she talks about us and how we work with her.

Someday, I know that will feel really amazing to hear. Today, it makes me cry and want to shut down completely. As if, by NOT communicating, by NOT assisting with things, it will somehow make sending Lovebug home easier. Logically, I know that's not the truth.

This may just be a phase, and that there's a distinct possibility that in a few more weeks, things will go back to the way they were. But today, these feelings are real, and difficult to process.

Breakfast Time

Mornings are hard in my house. I'm trying a variety of things to make them go easier/faster...but for some reason I just can't get out the door in a timely fashion! One of our biggest morning sticking points is breakfast. Lovebug is still too little to send her out the door munching on something in the car, and it easily takes her 10-15 minutes to get those little bits of fruit and cherrios into her mouth (and of course, into the cats' mouths as well).

I also have food issues, and I want to make sure that she's getting a healthy breakfast (and not the coffee and poptart crap I feed myself). This has actually been a really good thing, because it's forcing me to consider my eating habits, and much of what I feed her, I can actually eat myself! And so, I present Mom and Baby morning muffins!

This is actually a variation of this recipe and this one.

Banana Blueberry Oatmeal Muffins

3 eggs

1 Tablespoon vanilla extract

1 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 cup (I used a little less) brown sugar

2 bananas, sliced

1 cup of blueberries, fresh

5 cups of Quick Cook Oats

1 teaspoon salt

3 teaspoons baking powder

2 1/2 cup milk (I used 1%)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

In large bowl, combine eggs, vanilla and applesauce and mix well.

Add brown sugar, bananas and blueberries (or other fruit). (You can also add chocolate chips, but add them last, if you do!)

In a separate bowl, combine oats, salt, and baking powder.

Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients.

Add milk, and stir to combine.

Spray mini-muffin pan and large muffin pan (or use liners) with cooking spray.

Scoop mixture into muffin cups- I put one pan of minis and 1 pan of large in together. 

Bake! I put the minis in for 20 minutes, and the larges for 35 minutes. It made 36 minis and 12 large with some left over (I could have put more batter in the large cups).

This morning, I broke one up for Lovebug and served it with some pears and apples I had steamed on Sunday as well. She loved it!

So did the cats :)

Taking the Words Out of My Mouth

There's a post I've been struggling to write. Not because it's difficult to say, necessarily, but because I feel like it's already been written for me. 

I read a lot of foster/adoption blogs, and many of them express feelings and experiences similar to mine. But very few posts ring so true, and touch me so deeply, right into my inner soul, as the one I'm going to share with you in a few minutes.

Before you read it, you should know that even though the feelings expressed in this post are so true, and so right on the mark, it doesn't mean that I'll never be frustrated with things again. It doesn't mean I don't see the holes in this process, and that I don't cry and scream when things go badly. What it does mean is that everyone is human. And that you can't successfully go through an experience like fostering without becoming a bigger person.

But that doesn't mean that fostering is the only way to broaden your horizons on loving other human beings for who they are. I challenge you, after you've read this post, to question how you love your fellow humans- not just the ones you call friends and family, but the ones you'll never meet. People who struggle, who make poor choices, who hurt...

Check out That's my baby mama, a post by another foster/adoptive mom in Connecticut.

And then practice loving, and gratitude.

-Jenn

One of "Those People"

Not one year ago I was complaining about "those people" who plan absurd, extravagant affairs for a one year old's birthday.

Today, I'm looking at things like this for inspiration:

  

 
 

And I may have priced tents, popcorn makers, and other totally unnecessary items.

Someone stop me.

Or don't, and plan to attend a totally kickass one year old birthday party in September. Your choice. :)

Foster Care Review Boards, or, Feeling Heard (Hooray!)

First off: Today marks 4 months with Lovebug in our house! Seriously, these have been a few of the best/worst/crazy/amazing months of our lives.

Secondly: Today we attended the first meeting we've had in this process where we felt comfortable speaking freely, sharing our thoughts, and felt really heard. WOOHOO! A small bit of success in this crazy journey!

We attended the Foster Care Review Board (FCRB) meeting. The FCRB is a group of volunteers (devided by county) who get together and review foster care cases for all the kids in the county and send recommendations to the judge. They are housed under the Department of Inspections and Appeals, so they can review DHS and state attorneys without misconceptions of conflicts of interest. They review all the parties- DHS, attorneys, foster parents, birth parents, etc. To ensure that the kids are receiving the best care that they can be.

Dan and I were really nervous about this meeting at first. We had heard from other foster parents that it's intimidating and that they prefer not to attend because they feel judged and uncomfortable. Let me start by saying, we did not feel that way at all. That may be attributed to the fact that we are the only people who showed up in person (aside from the board members, obviously), but we felt very welcomed and included.

When we came in, we were greeted warmly, we introduced Lovebug and let her charm their pants off, and then we got down to business. First, we gave a very brief updated of what Lovebug was doing these days (learning to sit up on her own from a crawling position, working on learning to crawl, pull herself up, and cruise furniture). After that, the coordinator read out loud a few statements that were sent by DHS and Lovebug's attorney (who couldn't make it because of court dates for other cases). After those statements were read, we spent about half an hour discussing the case- situations that had happened, was Lovebug getting everything she needed, were there any concerns, how were her brothers around her, how was she on visits or after them, did her parents provide things at visits or what kinds of things did they do, etc. Because her brothers and their foster dad weren't able to make it, I did answer a few questions regarding them or what I understood to be the case. Nothing that I felt uncomfortable with, and only things I had concrete information to share.

Dan and I felt we were able to share important information- all of it true, concise accounts of things that had happened. I never lied, I was very careful not to let my bias interfere with what I was saying, and I never said anything that was unfair. I was also able to provide documentation of any significant issues we've had since Lovebug was in our care (just a simple timeline). For example:
"X/X/13- Text from biomom
X/X/13- Dr visit- Dr reported XYZ, suggested XYZ. Biomom/dad made aware of dr. appt on X/X/13 but did not attend.
X/X/13- Visit cancelled due to..."
It sounded like that was a helpful tool to add to their files. I will continue to keep it updated going forward.

And then, the all important question about our interest in adoption. Which, of course, we said we would be interested in.

Ultimately, I don't know how much a judge looks at these notes/recommendations, but it was great to feel validated and told that we were doing a great job because of XYZ, rather than 'Hey, thanks for being foster parents.' like anyone could do it, you just happen to be there. It means so much when people notice the specific care that is put into things for Lovebug, and the time and dedication we spend not only repairing old wounds (physical and emotional), but also preventing new ones. That we are equal partners in this process, and that we know these kids (sometimes) better than their biological parents.

Everyone who was invited will receive notes from this meeting within 15 days, and those notes will include their recommendation. I think this review board idea is the best part of the process I've dealt with yet! Thank goodness, because I don't know if I could have attended another bad meeting. :)

-Jenn

The "I" in Team

Last week we attended our first Family Team Meeting. It was an interesting experience, and while I'm not able to discuss specifics, I feel that it's important to address this meeting (or at least this type of meeting) so those of you who are beginning this process know what to look forward to.

A Family Team Meeting (or FTM, as they are referred to by most people involved in the process), is a meeting that is facilitated by an outside organization and it's designed to give everyone involved with a case the opportunity to check in and update everyone on the standings of the case. It's where problems are dealt with, and it's a chance for parents to ask for clarification or help, and ultimately create an action plan for the next month or two as the family works toward reunification. All the team players are there- parents, DHS, lawyers (for parents and kids), service providers (the visit supervisor, counselors, mentors, etc.) and anyone else that the family invites to attend.

That bolded part means that foster parents only attend these meetings if they are invited by the parents. I was pleased to have been invited to the meeting, and had hopes of getting some questions answered and some clarification about our case, as well as some permission for things Lovebug needed. While I was aware it was not a meeting for me, I figured things would be discussed that would give us a better idea of where people were at in the process.

So at this meeting they start with discussing the ground rules, the goals of the meeting (and the case), and an update of where things stand. The meetings are 'success focused', so they ask that everything brought up be in terms of the family's success (so, for example, 'visits are going really well, the way that you do XYZ with Son #1 and still manage to do XYZ with your two daughters shows that you're really mastering giving them all equal attention, But we don't feel like we can justify moving your visits to overnight right now because of XYZ'). Pretty typical stuff if you're in the human services field.

After updates are out of the way, they get to the meat of the case: what's been done, when, by whom, and what still needs to be accomplished. Who's going to take care of those tasks, by when, and what do they need to make it happen? They do this for the parents as well as each child. They end when there's a set plan for the next few weeks, and they determine when the next meeting would be appropriate to have (usually about a month or two away).

Overall, it was a hard meeting to sit through. It was hard to hear things the parents wanted, it was hard to hear them talk about things they had done, to justify decisions that had been made in the past...but mostly it was hard because I left feeling run over. I left feeling like there was no one in my corner, no one to stand up and say 'That's not the foster parent's job'. I ended up volunteering for something because I felt I had no other choice, and left feeling like my life was being taken over and ruled by the bio-parents. And I heard from the other foster parent in attendance that he felt the same way.

I was able to fix things after the meeting, and managed to deal with my emotions and move on. But I have a few nuggets of advice if you're attending an FTM:

• Go in knowing what you want, what you're willing to do and with questions you may have.
• Don't hesitate to say 'I'm going to need some time to think about that one.'
• It's OK to talk to your Iowa KidsNet support worker about the FTM, what you can expect, etc.
• Ultimately, you are your own advocate, in this meeting and in this process as a whole.
• You have a right to privacy, and if you feel uncomfortable with the level that's being disclosed, you have the right to say so.
• Finally, as with every other step of this process, remember why you are doing this. Go home, take a deep breath, and give the kiddo a hug. My guess is that anything you're dealing with is a small matter compared to what the kid has had to endure.

Have a good week!

-Jenn

Mad Mom Skills

You ever have those weeks that you are just "on it"? I mean great weeks, where you are rocking the mom thing, kick ass and taking names at work, home life is running smoothly...and the weather is beautiful to boot?

I'm having one of those weeks. And it's really nice. It could be a combination of the fact that spring finally feels like it's arrived and my new thyroid meds are kicking in, but my Mad Mom Skills have to play a part, right?

This week, I managed to plan real dinners almost every day so far (Dan has been able to help cook, so that helps), the laundry got washed, dried and folded! Lovebug and I managed to take a walk or get out in the sun for at least a little bit each day, my fiscal year goals are all met for the year at work with two months to spare, I managed to get a gift basket put together for Dan's boss (they welcomed a new little man last weekend), and I also got super cute snacks made for Teacher Appreciation day at Lovebug's daycare...and it's only Wednesday!

The only thing I'm slacking on is sleep.

Which is the constant struggle, isn't it? Is there someone out there who's figured out how to get all of the great stuff in to a day/week without sacrificing something? If so, they deserve a Nobel Prize.

Here's a few pictures and the recipe for the cake and icing, inspired from these sites:
SavorySweetLife.com      www.TwoBusyBlondes.com

The goods! I used two boxes of white cake mix and prepared as directed.

I think I could have left a couple of these colors out and achieved the same effect.

I should have added more batter, if I'd had any left.

Don't forget water in the bottom of the cake pans!

Life is better with buttercream and frosting!

Rainbow Cake

White cake mix and ingredients as indicated on box

Wiltons food coloring paste (the kind for icing- check Michaels with a 40% coupon!)

Prep batter: I used two boxes of cake and made 13 jars, but they were pretty small cakes. I recommend more batter to fill the jars higher- fill the jar about half way with raw batter.

Add colors: Separate batter evenly into small bowls. I eyeballed colors using the food coloring paste- remember, a little goes a LONG way with this stuff. Start with a drop and go from there.

If you want to make lots of these cakes, skip the separate bowls and add the food coloring straight to the batter. You can minimize the number of colors you use, also.

Fill jars: I mixed the colors in bowls and then transferred them to ziplock bags to squirt into each jar. In hindsight, I would skip one of these steps, because the baking soda in the cake mix looses it's effectiveness after all the mixing and transferring. I think using the bowls and then a funnel and spoon to fill each jar would be best.

Bake: Clean off the dribbles from the sides of the jars or they will get brown and mess with the whole look :) And then place jars in 9X13 cake pans with some water at the bottom. Bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes, and then test them.

Buttercream Frosting

2 sticks of butter (unsalted)

3 Cups of sifted powdered sugar

1 Tbsp vanilla

2 Tbsp milk

dash of table salt

Sift powdered sugar in to separate bowl

Butter should be slightly soft, the consistency of ice cream. Place in mixer and turn on Medium speed. Turn off mixer when butter is creamy

Add sugar, turn mixer on Lowest speed until sugar is blended with butter (so it doesn't blow everywhere), and then turn up mixer to Medium and blend until all sugar is incorporated into butter.

Add milk, salt and vanilla and finish combining on Medium.

Taste your frosting! Is too stiff? Add another tablespoon of milk. Too wet, add a bit more powdered sugar.

I made one batch of this and used the whole bowl of frosting on 13 jar cakes (see picture above). Double if necessary!

May is...

Special shout out to all of you who have taken on the task of fostering, whatever the ultimate goal is for you. Your special talents, open heart and open home are making lives better every day. Thanks for being you!

Barefoot in Spring (and other co-parenting challenges)

So, for a few days last week, it was gorgeous here. I mean really gorgeous- sunny, 70s/low 80s. The grass was getting green, the trees are starting to bloom (and my allergies are in overdrive, but I digress...), and Lovebug and I LOVE the fresh air and sunshine. She's standing (with lots of support) and experiencing grass between her toes, and the feeling of flowers and trees, and all the wonderful things that come with open windows, backyard blanket play and walks in the stroller.

She's also wearing shorts, jumpers and other warm-weather attire. But her baby bag is always packed with a sweatshirt, pants and socks...because this is Iowa, and in Iowa the weather really does change in minutes. In fact, she wore a super adorable onesie and capris outfit to her last visit. It was a morning visit, so it was still a tiny bit chilly, so I put a sweatshirt on her for good measure. When she came home, she was wearing the sweatshirt and a pair of thick socks. It was 70 degrees at this point in the day.

Following the visit, I got a text message from bio-mom "Her feet were really cold, so I put some socks on her."

Great, you put socks on. Exactly what I would have done. Bravo.

And that began the critique period. I have received critiques about her hygiene (her ears were dirty), her food intake and bottle nipple size, her nap times (she's too sleepy during visits)...I'm only waiting to see what else will come. They even changed her visit times to a different day and time (no one said it was because of complaints about sleeping, but....)

And so we face a challenge in "co-parenting" effectively. Will it kill Lovebug to get an extra bottle, because mom feels the need to feed her at every visit, whether she ate two hours ago or not? No. Will it kill me to put socks on her for a visit, even when she's plenty warm? No. But I get really frustrated when I get these texts, and my first instinct (which I ignore, thankfully) is to return with something inappropriate about the condition in which Lovebug arrived at our house, compared to the condition she is in today.

One of the hardest things I've had to do so far is remember that, despite the poor choices, the damage done to the kids, and my difficulty in understanding how her mind works, bio-mom still has a connection to Lovebug and her brothers, and this is the way she knows how to show it, given the circumstances. It doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it easy, but it's a fact.

So, we continue as we are. I put socks on her for visits, I give her a bath on Friday night instead of Saturday night so she's clean for mom, and when she comes back to our house I give her lots of hugs and take her socks off while I remind myself that this is what we signed up for. And it really is all worth it when I get to see her big grin as her bare feet touch the green grass and her face warms with sunshine.

-Jenn

The Best Laid Plans

Before the conversations of foster-to-adopt began, before Lovebug, before trouble conceiving and all the issues that came along with that, and even up to the day Lovebug came home, I had big plans. You know, the kind of plans every mom has- how she'll raise her kids, what she'll let her kids do that her mother never let her do, what books she'll read, what schedule she'll keep, what discipline method she'll use...big plans.

I was going to cloth diaper, and make homemade baby food, and never turn on the TV. I would be so organized, and the housework would always stay caught up, and dinners and lunches would get made without question. Yup. I was going to rock this momma thing.

Fast forward to today:
I use Luv's: Mostly because Lovebug has to be in disposable diapers for visits and daycare, which essentially leaves me with 4 nights a week and half a weekend that I could use cloth diapers...it kind of defeats the purpose.

Lovebug eats Gerber baby food. And she loves it. I tried. I did. She hated my homemade baby food. Now, granted I probably needed to blend it more and add more water, I was new at it. But frankly, Gerber is healthy. And it's just easier.

The TV does get turned on. My husband is much worse about this than I am, but I'll even admit that when you are home alone, or cuddling a sleeping baby, you need some entertainment. If I have the TV on while she's awake, I pick shows that are not graphic or violent (so, Criminal Minds is saved for after bed time).

Lovebug does not live on a strict schedule. She has made her own, and it seems to work for us most of the time, so we let it go. I don't have my own life on a schedule enough to be able to keep hers on one.

And you know what? It's ok.

And here's a little secret...I justify my choices. And maybe this isn't great, but it's the truth. I justify my choices by saying to myself, "Well, at least I don't beat her, or use drugs around her. And she's always fed/clothed/clean and happy..."

But the fact of the matter is simply that Lovebug is a part of our family, and our family doesn't have schedules, and we watch TV, and we eat crap sometimes. I want her to be healthy, and to live a rich life, full of joy and prosperity. I want her to grow up and have great memories of backyard games, and slumber parties, and science experiments.

And if she's still with us, I can guarantee that she will have all of that and more. But there will still be nights when she's out late, and their will still be crap food, and she will still watch TV.

And I'm ok with that.
-Jenn

The Holes

Well, it sounds like Lovebug will be around for at least a few more months! In case I forgot to mention, when we accepted this placement, she was only supposed to be in the house for a week. We love having her around. She puts a smile on our face as soon as we see her, and she never ceases to amaze us with how quickly she's changing, how much she can do compared to the day we brought her home, how smart she is, and just her general adorableness.

I have started to see some definite signs of attachment and bonding with Dan and I, which are good signs! Even though the plan is not for us to be her Forever Family, the fact that she's developing the ability to attach appropriately will give her so much in the future. She's totally on target developmentally, she's a quick learner, and fiercely determined in everything she does. It's so much fun to watch her navigate rolling across the room to get to her toy, or stick her pacifier in her mouth and grin with satisfaction.

Now on to the slightly less positive...

The most frustrating thing, quite frankly, is that sometimes people have a tendency to leave the foster parents out. Of Everything. Apparently we are supposed to be receiving notices and court documents from the Clerk of Court, but in our county they are 'notoriously bad about getting that stuff to foster parents'. And there is supposed to be a foster care review board in each county who reviews every case once a month, and foster parents are supposed to be able to attend those hearings...but again, 'notoriously bad about getting that info to foster parents'. We have been surprised with people showing up unannounced to pick up Lovebug for a visit...we were supposed to get info about that, but apparently we were 'overlooked' in the process of scheduling the visit.

Sometimes it can feel like you are just a warm bed for the kids to sleep in...and maybe that's normal. But, regardless of whether it's normal or not, I certainly don't feel like it's right. If we are supposed to "co-parent", then we should get the same respect and be given the same consideration (if not more!) when finding out what is going on with the kids.

I have a feeling these are the 'holes in The System' that people talk about. And they kind of suck. A lot.

But then there's that little girl's smile at the end of the day, and we are reminded about why we are doing this...and it gets us into the next day, the next 'mis-communication', the next adventure.