So, for a few days last week, it was gorgeous here. I mean really gorgeous- sunny, 70s/low 80s. The grass was getting green, the trees are starting to bloom (and my allergies are in overdrive, but I digress...), and Lovebug and I LOVE the fresh air and sunshine. She's standing (with lots of support) and experiencing grass between her toes, and the feeling of flowers and trees, and all the wonderful things that come with open windows, backyard blanket play and walks in the stroller.
She's also wearing shorts, jumpers and other warm-weather attire. But her baby bag is always packed with a sweatshirt, pants and socks...because this is Iowa, and in Iowa the weather really does change in minutes. In fact, she wore a super adorable onesie and capris outfit to her last visit. It was a morning visit, so it was still a tiny bit chilly, so I put a sweatshirt on her for good measure. When she came home, she was wearing the sweatshirt and a pair of thick socks. It was 70 degrees at this point in the day.
Following the visit, I got a text message from bio-mom "Her feet were really cold, so I put some socks on her."
Great, you put socks on. Exactly what I would have done. Bravo.
And that began the critique period. I have received critiques about her hygiene (her ears were dirty), her food intake and bottle nipple size, her nap times (she's too sleepy during visits)...I'm only waiting to see what else will come. They even changed her visit times to a different day and time (no one said it was because of complaints about sleeping, but....)
And so we face a challenge in "co-parenting" effectively. Will it kill Lovebug to get an extra bottle, because mom feels the need to feed her at every visit, whether she ate two hours ago or not? No. Will it kill me to put socks on her for a visit, even when she's plenty warm? No. But I get really frustrated when I get these texts, and my first instinct (which I ignore, thankfully) is to return with something inappropriate about the condition in which Lovebug arrived at our house, compared to the condition she is in today.
One of the hardest things I've had to do so far is remember that, despite the poor choices, the damage done to the kids, and my difficulty in understanding how her mind works, bio-mom still has a connection to Lovebug and her brothers, and this is the way she knows how to show it, given the circumstances. It doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it easy, but it's a fact.
So, we continue as we are. I put socks on her for visits, I give her a bath on Friday night instead of Saturday night so she's clean for mom, and when she comes back to our house I give her lots of hugs and take her socks off while I remind myself that this is what we signed up for. And it really is all worth it when I get to see her big grin as her bare feet touch the green grass and her face warms with sunshine.
-Jenn
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