Navigating "Family"

There are so many things that people don't think about in this process. So many little items that would be no big deal to other families, but to families like ours they are much different. Things like when to make the 6-month check up appointment, or when to get a haircut may sound like simple decisions, but can get complicated in the foster care system. And then there's this one:

Friday we got a note in the diaper bag from daycare. They are making a 'Family' book, and would like us to bring in a family photo. Uh-oh.

In "normal" families, this task would be no big deal. It would be as simple as printing one off at Target, and dropping it off when we bring her in one day this week. But in our family, it's a little more complicated. It, at a bare minimum, requires a conversation about what family is, and what it means for us.

As it is, we often get the question "what do you call yourselves?" The answer is, Dan and I refer to ourselves and the rest of our family as Mom, Dad, Grandma/Grandpa, etc. We do this because Lovebug is too young to speak, and it's easier. If we had an older placement, we would probably have discussed it with them, or maybe even their parents, and we may be 'Miss Jenn' or just Jenn and Dan. We also refer to biological family as Mom/Dad/Grandma, again, because it's easiest.

So, now there's the question of the family picture. When we talk about how we want to (eventually) tell our adopted child the story of their life, we have always imagined using phrases like "you are so lucky, you have lots of people who love you, so you have XX mommies and daddies" or "isn't it cool that you have 4 grandmas?"

But you can't explain that in one photo. And we certainly aren't planning to contact Mom and Dad to get a picture with everyone. Our situation is also complicated by the fact that Lovebug's older brothers go to the same daycare, and we are trying to be very aware of their feelings in this process. It's also complicated by the fact that, due to confidentiality, the average joe should really have no reason to know that Lovebug is in foster care. So we can't turn in a photo and say 'Please make sure to refer to us only as foster parents'.

So, we could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers. We could turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, and Dan and I and the other foster father. We could request a picture from Mom, but currently her situation probably prevents her from getting one to us.

Ultimately, the photo option we choose is only the catalyst for a much larger discussion. The photo is a small decision, but with big implications. Most likely, we will probably just turn in a photo of Lovebug and her brothers, but it's definitely given us pause for thought, and another layer to navigate in this experience.