My Little (Not-So) Secret

I'll go ahead and admit something to you, and it might surprise you:

I'm not all that broken up about not being pregnant.

There you go. I said it. The truth is, I'm not.

I spent a lot of months crying when I got my period. I thought that what I was experiencing was feeling like a failure because I couldn't get something as simple as creating life right. Twelve year olds can do it, for Christ-sake! Crying because I wasn't pregnant, and this was how Dan and I had decided to create a family. I (mistakenly) put a lot of pressure on getting pregnant, because I thought that adoption was an absolute last resort for my husband. Let's back up:

Before I met my husband, and we decided we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, I always thought I would adopt. My picture-perfect family included a perfect little Haitian or African bundle of love (why those races? I have no idea. It was just what I pictured.) Then I met Dan, and we talked about all the things people talk about (or should talk about) before they get married, and it was pretty clear that his preferred way of creating a family was for me to be pregnant. So, whatever, no big deal, the time came to start our family and I thought, as many people do, 'Well, I'll just get pregnant!'

If only it were as easy as 'just getting pregnant.' I gave it a few months of try-and-see-what-happens sex, and then I moved on to temping, and then ovulation prediction kits, and then green teas, Vitex, vitamins...all the home remedies for trouble conceiving. And then we decided to see the RE, did a few tests that gave us an indication of the problem, and we were told to keep it up and come back and see her after we had tried for a year (yeah, I know, I pushed that visit). And then we got the bill, and decided we would just continue trying for a while. And now we sit at almost two years of unsuccessful attempts (and one big disappointing missed period). We sit at the doorstep of fostering-to-adopt, a decision that, while not entered into lightly, is fully supported by my husband and really didn't take as much convincing as I thought.

For some people, BEING pregnant is half the journey and one of the most amazing parts of building a family. For me, it's a means to an end. I'm sure it's an experience unlike any other, and if I were to conceive I would embrace it wholeheartedly. But if I never conceive, and end up with a wonderful adopted child (even if they aren't Haitian or African) and a full family, I'm pretty sure I won't miss being pregnant.


That's my secret, let's keep it between us ;)