So, I realized I haven't updated you all on our classes recently! We have four (well, technically five but we're missing the last class) more before we're done!
Class 1: Introductions and the basics of foster care/adoption/respite (temporary fostering) care
Class 2: Cycle of need (how it differs in children in foster care), steps in a foster care case (how a family becomes a client, a very abridged version of how eventual adoption/reunification happens), and stages of development in children and recognizing what's 'abnormal' about a child's development.
Class 3: The need to be a 'loss expert' and how many different forms there are of loss. We talked about the normal stages of grief, how important it is to support children during times of loss (and tips on how to do that), and we discussed the importance of partnership.
Class 4: Helping children with attachments. We discussed Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, how important attachment is and how many children in foster care have difficulties attaching or developing meaningful attachments and suggestions on how to build those attachments with a variety of children.
Class 5: Behavior management. We talked about the differences between punishment (something you do to stop a behavior) versus discipline (something you do to change or encourage a specific behavior). In most cases, discipline is preferred over punishment. We talked about a variety of techniques to discipline children, and that physical punishment is not allowed in the foster care system. We learned some of the ways case workers identify children who need to be removed from their birth parents (a safety concern versus a risk).
Class 6: The importance of keeping a child connected to their birth families, or in absence of that, their cultural roots and heritage. We talked about different activities we could do, places we could go (locally) to maintain attachment, etc. Dan and I both felt like this was the most valuable class so far, because we really started talking about the foster care and adoption process in depth (timing of things, your rights as a foster/adoptive parent, etc).
We have a set of case studies that we use every class to reiterate the information we have learned, and give us some 'real-world application'. They are real cases of children (different ages, backgrounds, etc.) who were placed in the foster care system for a variety of reasons, and we use them to identify some of the things we feel we absolutely could not handle.
Overall, the classes have been long and sometimes tedious, but I think they are a really useful tool in helping you make sure this decision is in your family's best interest. We have had some questions come up that we hadn't thought of, and we've gotten a lot of answers to questions that you just can't find on the internet. We're anxious to have Thursday nights back, though!
Technically, we have four classes left, but Dan and I will only be attending the next three. We'll be off on family vacation for the last one!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
I Still Don't Care About Your Constipation
About a year ago, I made a post on Facebook that was fairly controversial among my friends:
11/16/11 "Among the list of things I hate: listening to people constantly complain about their pregnancy. Sit down, shut up and count your blessings. I'd gladly take your place. I'm sure it's not all roses, but it certainly has to be worth it in the end."
I made the post in reference to a few select girls who posted, quite literally, on a daily basis about what was wrong with their pregnancy. Acid reflux, constipation, dry skin, stretch marks...Frankly, all things that, even as a woman who's never been pregnant, I can safely say I understand are part of pregnancy.
Many of my friends misinterpreted this post, and got very defensive about it (either on the thread or in private messages). They thought that I was saying Facebook should not be used to talk about your baby, and insisted that I was just jealous because I wasn't pregnant. Truth be told, I was jealous, but even if I had not been, and had gotten pregnant, Facebook is not the place to complain about how awful you feel every day.
As an "expectant mother" myself now, I can truly say that I am no longer jealous of pregnant chicks. I have found my path to motherhood, and gratefully get to miss acid reflux/stretch marks/dry skin/constipation/throwing up etc. But...
I still don't want to hear your dirty details every day.
If you need a suggestion about how to handle your situation (example: gosh, I can't eat anything without getting heartburn! What worked for you?) that's fine. If you plan to regale us with the latest trip to the bathroom (5 times a day) and all that ensued, or complain (once again) about how tired you are and how nothing got done today, I beg you to reconsider. No matter how much your friends love you, it really gets annoying.
Rant over!
-Jenn
11/16/11 "Among the list of things I hate: listening to people constantly complain about their pregnancy. Sit down, shut up and count your blessings. I'd gladly take your place. I'm sure it's not all roses, but it certainly has to be worth it in the end."
I made the post in reference to a few select girls who posted, quite literally, on a daily basis about what was wrong with their pregnancy. Acid reflux, constipation, dry skin, stretch marks...Frankly, all things that, even as a woman who's never been pregnant, I can safely say I understand are part of pregnancy.
Many of my friends misinterpreted this post, and got very defensive about it (either on the thread or in private messages). They thought that I was saying Facebook should not be used to talk about your baby, and insisted that I was just jealous because I wasn't pregnant. Truth be told, I was jealous, but even if I had not been, and had gotten pregnant, Facebook is not the place to complain about how awful you feel every day.
As an "expectant mother" myself now, I can truly say that I am no longer jealous of pregnant chicks. I have found my path to motherhood, and gratefully get to miss acid reflux/stretch marks/dry skin/constipation/throwing up etc. But...
I still don't want to hear your dirty details every day.
If you need a suggestion about how to handle your situation (example: gosh, I can't eat anything without getting heartburn! What worked for you?) that's fine. If you plan to regale us with the latest trip to the bathroom (5 times a day) and all that ensued, or complain (once again) about how tired you are and how nothing got done today, I beg you to reconsider. No matter how much your friends love you, it really gets annoying.
Rant over!
-Jenn
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
We're Expecting!
Don't get too excited, the plan hasn't changed!
Yesterday, while I was in another office for work, one of my supervisors asked me if it was "public knowledge that I was an expecting mother?" I quickly corrected her, reminding her that I was just fostering and adopting, not having a baby. And her response? "Don't be silly, of course you are expecting! Are you not expecting to have a baby in your house soon?" And the answer, of course, is yes.
I am so lucky to have supportive people all over in my life, who are helping us get through this process. This particular woman has been a mentor and a guide through the infertility questions, and now is a huge supporter and a great role model for successful adoption. She has already given me some great ideas about getting through the process, building attachment and bonding with my child, and I know there's so much more to come! I'm so glad to have her on my team! :)
PS-MAPP 2 class was last week. In this class, we discussed the importance of communication and of having a relationship with the birth parents. I'm sure this is something that is much easier said than done, as every situation is different, and every parent is different, but the idea seems pretty logical.
We also spent a good amount of time discussing the types of children we will see come through foster care- different disabilities, different life experiences (sexual abuse, drug exposure, etc.) This topic seemed to be the most useful. Dan and I really started to get a handle on what we could accept and what we would have to decline, and if we accepted certain cases, what we could expect to come along with those.
Our first home study is scheduled for September 18th! We, of course, are still working on all of the associated paperwork. The cats go to the vet for vaccines on Friday, this weekend I must clean out my closets and organize my file drawers, because I seem to have misplaced my marriage license (which they also need a copy of). And there is the small matter of a crib and chair that need to be moved out of the living room and into the (non-existent) nursery...so much to do, so little time!
Yesterday, while I was in another office for work, one of my supervisors asked me if it was "public knowledge that I was an expecting mother?" I quickly corrected her, reminding her that I was just fostering and adopting, not having a baby. And her response? "Don't be silly, of course you are expecting! Are you not expecting to have a baby in your house soon?" And the answer, of course, is yes.
I am so lucky to have supportive people all over in my life, who are helping us get through this process. This particular woman has been a mentor and a guide through the infertility questions, and now is a huge supporter and a great role model for successful adoption. She has already given me some great ideas about getting through the process, building attachment and bonding with my child, and I know there's so much more to come! I'm so glad to have her on my team! :)
PS-MAPP 2 class was last week. In this class, we discussed the importance of communication and of having a relationship with the birth parents. I'm sure this is something that is much easier said than done, as every situation is different, and every parent is different, but the idea seems pretty logical.
We also spent a good amount of time discussing the types of children we will see come through foster care- different disabilities, different life experiences (sexual abuse, drug exposure, etc.) This topic seemed to be the most useful. Dan and I really started to get a handle on what we could accept and what we would have to decline, and if we accepted certain cases, what we could expect to come along with those.
Our first home study is scheduled for September 18th! We, of course, are still working on all of the associated paperwork. The cats go to the vet for vaccines on Friday, this weekend I must clean out my closets and organize my file drawers, because I seem to have misplaced my marriage license (which they also need a copy of). And there is the small matter of a crib and chair that need to be moved out of the living room and into the (non-existent) nursery...so much to do, so little time!
Monday, August 20, 2012
PS-MAPP Session 1
Dan and I just got back from a weekend in Chicago with his mom and dad, and it was awesome! Very fun and very relaxing. I rode a train for the first time since I was three...turns out, the commuter train is nothing special. We got into town Friday evening around 8, and did dinner and hotel pool time that night. Saturday we visited the Field Museum and wandered around downtown (I love big cities! Dan, on the other hand, does not). Sunday was spent at IKEA and the Cheesecake Factory (Dan's one request for the trip). We came home with a new desk, new dishes, lots of little odds and ends, and a long to-do list!
Our PS-MAPP class started last Thursday. It was a pretty typical, FULL, first session class, lots of introductions and time for questions. The class is always taught by an employee of the agency that handles the paperwork in our state (a local non-profit) and a current, experienced foster parent. We found out that our foster parent leader has eight children (whhaaa??) and six of them have been or are in the process of being adopted from the foster care system. During introductions, we found out that some people had waited since last March to get into this class! I don't know their full story, but hearing that made me wonder how we got in so quickly...but I'm trusting there was a reason.
We talked a little about the kinds of children we could expect to see in foster care, and a little about relationships with birth parents. We did read a case study to introduce the kinds of supports that would be needed from foster parents in the reunification process, the kinds of things the state could require birth parents to do in order to regain custody, and we discussed how we would handle the situation personally.
We ended up not getting through everything, so on top of the huge stack of paperwork we already had for homework, we were also directed to finish all the reading for Session 1. I can't believe how much paper this class requires! I swear we received an entire tree's worth in the first session. Homework this week consisted of our Parent Profile (how we were raised, what we believe, how we celebrate and mourn in our family, family traditions, relationships within the family, and 14 more pages) and our Couple Profile (how we interact as a couple, how that will change with a child, etc) and also our Home Study packet (all the necessary forms and agreements required by the state to foster). The Home Study packet and the profiles will be submitted at the end of our 10 week class along with the results and notes from our PS-MAPP instructors and the licensing staff who studies our house.
So, while we complete all the paperwork, we will work simultaneously to get our house ready. Our home study and all the paperwork must be submitted within 110 days of beginning class...so let the fun begin!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Moving Forward
Well...we were approved! It's been a little bit of a roller coaster ever since, and things are starting to move quickly.
Friday afternoon we received a call that we were approved to begin our PS-MAPP classes...but that the next open class starting in our area would be in January! What a bummer! But wait...they were going to check into some things and give me a call back before the end of the day on Friday.
Friday...no call. Guess we'll have to wait until January. But that's ok, because it gives us more time to get the house ready, and pick up everything we need, and get organized. In fact, Friday evening, Mom and I did some shopping at Babies R Us. That's right. Real baby shopping. We picked up a baby monitor that was a crazy good deal, and took a gander at all things baby-related.
Over the weekend, Dan shared the news with his family and we're feeling very supported and even more exited to start this process. It's definitely a different way of building a family, and there will be lots of storms to weather, questions to ask, and confusion...but we're feeling pretty confident that in the end, it will all come together.
Monday rolls around, and I get a call from Iowa KidsNet...to tell me they have room in their Iowa City class, starting this week! So starting Thursday, we'll begin 10 weeks of classes, as well as finally getting everything organized upstairs, picking up some necessary supplies, and decorating the kiddo's room!
On the subject of decorating- we got a crib! Another great deal, this time at Target, and it's a great compromise between Dan and my decorating styles. It's a cherry crib by Sorelle, and we've started to finally get a vision of how this room should look.
Things are coming together, and we couldn't be more excited!
Friday afternoon we received a call that we were approved to begin our PS-MAPP classes...but that the next open class starting in our area would be in January! What a bummer! But wait...they were going to check into some things and give me a call back before the end of the day on Friday.
Friday...no call. Guess we'll have to wait until January. But that's ok, because it gives us more time to get the house ready, and pick up everything we need, and get organized. In fact, Friday evening, Mom and I did some shopping at Babies R Us. That's right. Real baby shopping. We picked up a baby monitor that was a crazy good deal, and took a gander at all things baby-related.
Over the weekend, Dan shared the news with his family and we're feeling very supported and even more exited to start this process. It's definitely a different way of building a family, and there will be lots of storms to weather, questions to ask, and confusion...but we're feeling pretty confident that in the end, it will all come together.
Monday rolls around, and I get a call from Iowa KidsNet...to tell me they have room in their Iowa City class, starting this week! So starting Thursday, we'll begin 10 weeks of classes, as well as finally getting everything organized upstairs, picking up some necessary supplies, and decorating the kiddo's room!
On the subject of decorating- we got a crib! Another great deal, this time at Target, and it's a great compromise between Dan and my decorating styles. It's a cherry crib by Sorelle, and we've started to finally get a vision of how this room should look.
Things are coming together, and we couldn't be more excited!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Commitment Issues
I sit here, staring at a screen whose title reads 'Place Your Order'. And something is stopping me from pressing the button. It's not the cost, or that I'm unsure if it's the right item.
It's a book my sister-in-law recommends highly: "Baby Bargains" (the 9th edition). She used it all the time while shopping for baby stuff for my beautiful niece, and it would definitely answer the questions I'm having (like, is it worth paying $300 for a carseat, or is the $150 one just as safe?) But I'm hesitant to purchase it, because we still haven't heard from the state.
And that's not unusual. It hasn't even been 3 weeks since we submitted the last paperwork. They told us a month from the day we submitted everything. And if I know the state (and I do...I work with them everyday), we'll probably be lucky if it is within that month window, and not a day or two later.
I just want an answer. I want DHS to conclude what I already know- that my husband, though he's made mistakes, will be an amazing father. And that placing a child (or a few) in our care will be one of the best decisions made for that child. I want to be able to buy "Baby Bargains" and go clothes shopping on Tax Free Holiday. But I'm having commitment issues. I don't want to purchase another item that, if we aren't approved, will be another reminder that we are stuck.
Logically, I think what you all are probably thinking. "It's just a few more weeks. It's not that long. Just wait, you'll have plenty of time to buy all the stuff you want and need." But it's a rough wait. It's hard to have such an important part of your future in another person's hands.
But for tonight, I'll close the window. I can always order it tomorrow. Tonight, I'll go to bed (and hope to fall asleep despite Dan's loud snoring) and maybe tomorrow I'll get that call from the state. :)
It's a book my sister-in-law recommends highly: "Baby Bargains" (the 9th edition). She used it all the time while shopping for baby stuff for my beautiful niece, and it would definitely answer the questions I'm having (like, is it worth paying $300 for a carseat, or is the $150 one just as safe?) But I'm hesitant to purchase it, because we still haven't heard from the state.
And that's not unusual. It hasn't even been 3 weeks since we submitted the last paperwork. They told us a month from the day we submitted everything. And if I know the state (and I do...I work with them everyday), we'll probably be lucky if it is within that month window, and not a day or two later.
I just want an answer. I want DHS to conclude what I already know- that my husband, though he's made mistakes, will be an amazing father. And that placing a child (or a few) in our care will be one of the best decisions made for that child. I want to be able to buy "Baby Bargains" and go clothes shopping on Tax Free Holiday. But I'm having commitment issues. I don't want to purchase another item that, if we aren't approved, will be another reminder that we are stuck.
Logically, I think what you all are probably thinking. "It's just a few more weeks. It's not that long. Just wait, you'll have plenty of time to buy all the stuff you want and need." But it's a rough wait. It's hard to have such an important part of your future in another person's hands.
But for tonight, I'll close the window. I can always order it tomorrow. Tonight, I'll go to bed (and hope to fall asleep despite Dan's loud snoring) and maybe tomorrow I'll get that call from the state. :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
No Use Crying Over Spilled Paint
Picking a paint color for the bedroom we'll use as a nursery has become such a daunting task. I can't have pink (what if it's a boy?), no blue (already have a blue room, and what if it's a girl?), can't have yellow (Dan doesn't like it). Tan would work, but not too dark (it's a small room), and not too light (or we might as well leave it white), and do we want yellow or red undertones, or maybe blue? What about grey instead of tan? Can a baby's room be the same color as my master and hallway?
I took my mom with me this time (trip #4 to the hardware store), because if anyone's going to be able to find the right color, she will. The result of this trip was one frustrated foster-momma-to-be, crying in the middle of the paint section because "this is not how I expected to pick my nursery colors!" Another realization that this journey is not typical, and not always easy.
My mom asked why I was crying, if I really felt like this was the right choice. The only answer to that question is that, despite feeling really good about this decision, there are things I have to let go of. The idea of a baby shower, and of knowing the sex of my child (what did people do before Week 20 Ultrasounds!?) and so many other things. There is an adjustment to the idea that multiple babies may live in this room before our baby makes it a home. How do you create a space for multiple children when each child is unique and special?
The answer (which came to me with my 6:45 am reminder from the cats for their breakfast) is that this space is just that. A space. And each child who graces it with their presence will make it their own. And it will be filled with love, from Day One. And someday, our child will be in that room. And he or she won't care about the color of the walls or the pattern on their crib sheets (at least not right away). He or she will care that we gave them a safe place to call home, and a family who cares for them, and soft place to land when their world is upside down. Because that's what moms and dads do.
And they help you pick out the perfect color of paint (a process I have put on hold for this week).
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