The First Call

Well, it didn't take too long to get our first call! 

We actually got one yesterday, but it was for a teen boy. We are really not equipped to handle teens (we are barely 10 years older than some!) So we declined that placement, which was pretty easy to do. I just hope that's not the only thing we get called for!

I'm not sure I can do justice in writing when I describe the feeling I got when I saw a missed call from Iowa KidsNet on my caller ID yesterday. My heart jumped, my stomach turned a little, and my mind went into overdrive...all in the space of about 10 seconds! That was all before we heard the details of the situation, and turned it down. But it was a good preview of how I will feel when that perfect call does come in...a little crazy!

The call got me thinking of all the things I wanted to get done before a kiddo comes into our lives...so I managed to get the indoor Christmas decorations taken down, change the batteries in the smoke alarms, deep clean the kitchen, and wash another load of baby clothes and towels (kindly gifted from the girls at work!) It's sort of my own version of nesting...

In fact, there are a lot of things about this process that (I imagine) are similar to the last few weeks of a pregnancy. Emotions in overdrive, lists of things to do, questions about finishing things for work, and what the first few days with another little person in our lives will be like...it's a lot to handle! I feel blessed that we're finally getting to the point where this is feeling real, and at the same time I had a meltdown last night.

I'm surprised to find that I still have feelings of jealousy when I see that someone else is pregnant or had a baby. I still wonder and worry about how this will all work out for us, and I get upset when I remember that even when that kiddo makes their appearance, we are not it's permanent family. How do you bond and develop a relationship with an infant in the first place, let alone one that isn't yours...and might not stay? Can we put aside our feelings of jealousy, resentment and frustration and do what's best for the baby and their family? Will we ever end up being 'what's best'?

All of these things are questions no one can answer right now. So for now, I wait, and worry, and question, and clean...and keep on trucking!

-Jenn