Termination

Ugh! I know...every time I write one of these I promise to be better at updating it. So I'll stop. It's time to face the music- I'm just a crappy blogger.

That being said...let's get to the updating! If you checked out the Foster-to-Adopt Timeline you may already know that termination of parental rights occurred in May. There are a lot of reasons it's taken me this long to write this post. but one main reason is that it took me a while to process this.

When I got the call, I was thrilled to hear that there was a light at the end of this tunnel. That soon the crazy-ness of Four Oaks, and visits, and bio mom would be over. But it was Friday evening, and I was on my way out of town, and I didn't have a lot of time to think about the implications of this monumental event.

But over the weekend, I began to think about my life, my baby's life, and the life that her bio-mom has had...and then I thought about the life that bio-mom will have. As I held my baby early one morning, I felt the most overwhelming feelings- blessed, for the little life I hold so dear, sad for a mother who's illness has torn apart her family, happy to be nearing a finish line, and then guilty that I'm happy...

Don't get me wrong- every bit of this is right for these kids. They need safety, permanency, consistency, and the ability to adjust to this new life. And bio-mom had every chance to pull it together, and didn't. Intellectually I know all of that.

But the weekend that the orders came down, as I rocked my curly-headed princess while she sang me 'Twinkle Twinkle' and 'ABC LALALALA P', I broke down at the thought of someone telling me I would never see my child again. The thought was completely overwhelming.

About a week later, the kids had their final visit with bio-mom. Dan and I met the workers and another foster parent to pick the kids up, and it was clear from everyone's reactions that the evening had not been an easy one. In fact, they were about 40 minutes late getting back (from the visit around the corner).

It took Lovebug a day or two to adjust. She was clingy, and nervous, and slept a lot for a couple of days, but by the end of the week she was back to her old self. These days, she's happy (mostly), sleeps very well, doesn't even notice when I leave daycare in the morning, and seems pretty well adjusted.

We met with an adoption attorney last week, and are beginning the prep work necessary to adopt Lovebug, if we're given the chance. And with any luck, I'll be able to post pictures of her second birthday party here for all to see!

I believe that this is right, for a hundred different reasons. But, like most everything in life, right doesn't always mean easy.

ReMoved

I have struggled this week with the foster care world. Lovebug's "Bro Bro" stayed with us over the weekend, because he was "in transition"

That's the polite way of saying they had no home for him.

His former foster family was not able to have him stay in the home, due to a variety of behaviors. And so he stayed with us from Thursday until Monday morning. The last thing I knew before he came to stay with us was that we needed to drop him at school on Monday morning. The case worker would take it from there.

Have you ever had to look into the eyes of a 12 year old and tell them "No, hunny, I'm sorry. I don't know where you'll be tonight"?

I have. They were some of the hardest words I've ever had to say.

And while my brain knows that our family is not equipped to handle him, for a variety of reasons, and that we were very clear about our inability to take older children going into this process, my heart breaks for him.

It's easy to turn down older children when you don't know them. Saying no to a child whom you know extremely well, and you are still tied to (and may possibly be for the rest of his life), is much. much. harder.

And then I saw this video today, and I've been a blubbering mess all day.

(Caution: there are graphic images of domestic violence)

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

Old Wounds

Lovebug's brothers, who live with a different foster family, are being split up. There will now be three children in three different homes.

And as difficult as I know the decision was to separate them, it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Lovebug's oldest brother has always had some significant issues, and they are manifesting in pretty substantial ways lately. The stress of the case has really gotten to him. For the rest of the family he lives with, including his younger brother, it's best that he live in a different home.

I can't help but feel a little jaded about the whole foster care world, when I think about how long Lovebug's brothers were exposed to such, in one person's term, madness. For as many cases as there are like Lovebug's (she was identified early and removed promptly), there are so many more cases like her older brothers.

The first night I picked Lovebug up, I met J, her oldest brother. His first questions were "where will she sleep? do you have food for her? what about clothes?" And it broke my heart, because those were the questions of a boy who had been responsible all too often for providing for his younger siblings.

As time went on, and it was obvious that J had major issues as a result of his upbringing, I always wondered why no one brought it to the attention of DHS sooner. Why did it take this long to recognize this family, and get them the care they so desperately needed?

Over the last year, just as Lovebug has become a part of our family, so have her brothers, and their foster dad. Tonight, I pray for my family, that peace finds them all. That everyone ends up exactly where they are supposed to be.

And that the wounds of the past are patched with the love of the present, and hope for the future.

Another brick in the road

Wow. It's been a while, huh? Let me give you a brief overview of how I feel the last couple of days weeks months (yikes) have gone.

1. Lovebug got sick
2. I got sick
3. Lovebug got sick
4. I got sick
5. I got sick
6. Christmas
7. Lovebug got sick
8. I got sick
9. Valentine's Day (no one was sick for a whole month!)
10. Lovebug's 11 year old brother stayed with us for a week
11. TPR Trial
12. Lovebug got sick (are you noticing the theme yet?)

Not that sickness is the only thing that happened, it just feels like it. They say the first year is the worst, in terms of illness. And good news, we celebrated one whole year with the little munchkin on Feb. 5!

The big news, in terms of foster care world, was the TPR (termination of parental rights) trial. The trial was held on Feb. 24, and was an all day affair. Bio-mom testified for most of the morning, followed by the DHS case worker, lunch, more of the case worker, the visit supervisor, and finally rebuttal by bio-mom and the case worker.

Basically, the testimony included answering questions about the entire history of the case. Ultimately, bio-mom's lawyer attempted to establish reasons why she (bio-mom) should be given more time to complete her plan The state's attorney attempted to prove that "reasonable efforts" (a key term in foster care) had been made to reunify the family, and that it was in the best interests of the children to terminate parental rights and place them up for adoption.

What I found surprising was that I wasn't surprised about much of anything said during the trial. From what I heard, I expected to find out a lot of things I hadn't known. I give credit to the DHS caseworker and Lovebug's attorney for keeping us in the loop. I'm really impressed with both of them.

Bio-mom didn't come out looking great after trial, and frankly I felt that even her lawyer had a hard time selling her side. There were some inappropriate lines of questioning during testimony, and a few tears, but nothing as dramatic as we expected.

At the end of the day, the judge "took the matter under advisement" and will issue a ruling at a later date. We are waiting for the ruling to come (the judge has 90 days by law). Until it does, we continue with visits and the reunification plan.

If the ruling comes down and it's to terminate parental rights, then there will be one final visit within 24-48 hours. In order to rule in bio-mom's favor, there has to be a significant indication that the children could be returned home quickly, or an indication that the state did not provide reasonable efforts to help the family reunify. If that's the case, then there will be a date set to review the case again in 3-6 months.

And so we wait for the next step...

The Most Awkward (and Important) Conversation of My Life

"Children born to another mother call me 'Mom'. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." -Jody Landers*

I have struggled over the last 11 months to manage my emotions and my relationship with Lovebug's biological mother (referred to here as "K"). It has always been a priority of mine that she is treated with respect in person, and (as much as I'm capable of) in private as well.

I have always approached this relationship with the understanding that someday I may have to tell Lovebug about her. I would need to speak about K, the woman who, for all her faults, loved her children. Even though sometimes it was hard to see.

And then yesterday, I had a conversation through text with K. It was the kind of monumental conversation that reminds me that there are real people, a real family, being affected by this process.

She asked us to adopt Lovebug, if she couldn't keep her rights.

She thanked me for everything (as she has done before), and said she couldn't imagine Lovebug with anyone else. And she promised not to interfere, but requested that she not be forgotten. And that maybe we update her on how Lovebug was growing up.

And it seems like such a small request from a woman who has given me one of the greatest gifts of my life. 11 (almost 12) months of joy and love (maybe even a lifetime more).

I still can't say how much I'm willing to commit to updating her, or exactly what boundary lines we will establish. But I am more committed than ever to reminding myself that my greatest gift could be K's greatest loss. And that respect for her loss may be all I can offer in return. And that I owe her that much.




*Thanks to my friend Cassie for the quote that spoke to my heart today.

I Sorta Left You Hanging...

First, let me clarify that Lovebug is still hanging at our place and tearing the house apart! Sorry about the lack of updates! I got a new job, I have this thing called a one year old...life has been a little busy!

Let me catch you up on all the happenings in our foster world. First, nothing has changed...and everything has changed. Lovebug is still in our home, and has been. There was a brief (and I mean, one week) period where visits moved from supervised to semisupervised. In foster world terms, that indicates a change in the status of the case, towards reunification.

The change didn't last long, and things were moved back  before the end of October. So, while Lovebug's biological parents still have time to work towards reunification, in December we attended a court hearing where a trial date was set for termination of parental rights (tpr).

So, at the end of February, we will attend a day long trial to cover the history of the case and evidence will be presented for the judge to determine if every reasonable effort was made to reunify the family. The judge most likely will not decide that day whether to terminate or not. Typically it takes 30-60 days to get a ruling. Once that ruling comes, if it is to terminate, there will be one more visit for goodbyes to be said.

After that happens, the kids' lawyer (their guardian ad litem) will give permission for things while paperwork is processed to put them into the adoption phase. Dan and I, and the foster parent who has the boys, will go into the running to adopt the children.

But all of that is still many months away.

For now, we are enjoying a little 15-month old beauty with no fear and a level of smarts I'm astounded by everyday. She knows some colors, lots of words and can climb with the best of them!

The First Call: Questions to Ask Iowa KidsNet

I had mentioned in a previous post that during our PS-MAPP class, I had put together a list of questions to ask when we got our first phone call. Since Lovebug was an emergency placement that was only expected to stay for a few days to a week, I didn't end up using the sheet for her call. And since we're only ready for one little at this point, I haven't used the questions since.

But none-the-less, I think they are useful. I have a copy on my computer at work, on my Google drive (which I can access from my phone) and a printed copy in our family binder (more on that soon).

Here's the list of questions Dan and I decided were important to know in advance, when possible. Keep in mind, when children go into care (especially if it's an emergency removal), they don't always have all the answers to these questions. They will give you whatever information they have, when you ask the questions. There are some things, like race/ethnicity, that you must ask, if it matters to you. Discrimination laws prevent them from stating that information outright.

Name

Age:

Sex:

Age/DOB:

Race:

Legal Status:

Reason for Removal:

If abuse- what kind of abuse, severity:

Previous Placements or Parents History with DHS:

Siblings- How many, ages and status:

Physical Disabilities or Special Needs and Services Provided: 

Social Delays/Disabilities and Services Provided:

Dietary Needs: 

Health Needs (allergies, medications, etc.): 

Permanency Plan/Expected Length of Stay: 

Details on Visits with Birth Parents/Social Workers (supervised, length and frequency, child’s reaction, ect): 

Expectations with Birth Parents: 

Are they attending daycare- where and when: 

Is there anything I’ve forgotten that would be important to know for caring for this child: 

Hope this is helpful for someone! Soon I'll be compiling a section for tools on this blog, and it will include things like this, our Family Binder, organizing Lovebug's paperwork, etc. Come back soon and check it out!