11 Months Old Today!

This darling little baby who came to us as a little, droopy, sick 4.5 month old is now a healthy (sometimes raspy and snotty) 11 months old today! She's crawling (sometimes faster than I can get off the couch to stop her), she's smiling, and babbling, and playing with everything (including the strings, cat fur balls and various other gross items she can pull out of no where).

She says 'MomMomMom' when she wants me, and every kid in the store is 'BeeBee!'

Ask her who DaDa is and she points to Dan and grins (still won't say it, no matter how often he tries to coach her!)

Tell her 'Say hi!' or 'Say bye-bye' and she waves. Sometimes she'll even make a noise that sounds like 'Hi!'

She's transitioning to milk, starting yesterday. And she eats almost anything you put in front of her...except for my homemade peach rice cereal and the microwaved scrambled egg from this morning.

She loves her walker, and climbing stairs with help. She'll even walk next to you if you hold her hand...but don't ask her to do it by herself!

And she even wears little shoes (mostly to please bio-mom)!

Case update: There isn't one. We have been advised to continue planning her birthday party, and encouraged to think about Halloween costumes. As far as I know, there are no meetings or any other important dates that could signify movement on this case until December, when the court will hold a permanency hearing.

We'll keep you posted!

The Danger in Building Relationships with Bios

In five days, we will have had Lovebug for six months. Six hard, awesome, amazing, scary, thrilling, lovely months.

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me where this was going, I would have told you it wasn't likely they were going home. Sad for bio mom and dad, but good for us.

This week, it's a different story. Lately, there seems to be a definite shift with bio-Mom. Bio-dad...eh...but bio-Mom seems to be pulling herself together.

I have always said that bio-mom would be a great parent, if she could cut a few things out of her life and get her head on straight. She loves her kids, she's smart, she's kind. I've always said that if she could cut those things out, I could feel good about sending Lovebug home.

Well, that's a lot easier said when things aren't going well. Today, as it's becoming evident that those things are being cut out, and that she may be making permanent changes for the better in her life, I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea of Lovebug going home. For the first time since this case started, I'm finding myself dealing with the reality that Lovebug may not be the baby we're meant to have. And that we may have to start this journey over again in a few months/next year. And the truth is, that breaks my heart.

Bio-Mom promises to keep in touch, to keep us a part of Lovebug's life once she goes home. She can't imagine being in our shoes, doing what we do. She says we have helped change her life, and she makes all the other people she knows with kids in foster care jealous when she talks about us and how we work with her.

Someday, I know that will feel really amazing to hear. Today, it makes me cry and want to shut down completely. As if, by NOT communicating, by NOT assisting with things, it will somehow make sending Lovebug home easier. Logically, I know that's not the truth.

This may just be a phase, and that there's a distinct possibility that in a few more weeks, things will go back to the way they were. But today, these feelings are real, and difficult to process.

Breakfast Time

Mornings are hard in my house. I'm trying a variety of things to make them go easier/faster...but for some reason I just can't get out the door in a timely fashion! One of our biggest morning sticking points is breakfast. Lovebug is still too little to send her out the door munching on something in the car, and it easily takes her 10-15 minutes to get those little bits of fruit and cherrios into her mouth (and of course, into the cats' mouths as well).

I also have food issues, and I want to make sure that she's getting a healthy breakfast (and not the coffee and poptart crap I feed myself). This has actually been a really good thing, because it's forcing me to consider my eating habits, and much of what I feed her, I can actually eat myself! And so, I present Mom and Baby morning muffins!

This is actually a variation of this recipe and this one.

Banana Blueberry Oatmeal Muffins

3 eggs

1 Tablespoon vanilla extract

1 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 cup (I used a little less) brown sugar

2 bananas, sliced

1 cup of blueberries, fresh

5 cups of Quick Cook Oats

1 teaspoon salt

3 teaspoons baking powder

2 1/2 cup milk (I used 1%)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

In large bowl, combine eggs, vanilla and applesauce and mix well.

Add brown sugar, bananas and blueberries (or other fruit). (You can also add chocolate chips, but add them last, if you do!)

In a separate bowl, combine oats, salt, and baking powder.

Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients.

Add milk, and stir to combine.

Spray mini-muffin pan and large muffin pan (or use liners) with cooking spray.

Scoop mixture into muffin cups- I put one pan of minis and 1 pan of large in together. 

Bake! I put the minis in for 20 minutes, and the larges for 35 minutes. It made 36 minis and 12 large with some left over (I could have put more batter in the large cups).

This morning, I broke one up for Lovebug and served it with some pears and apples I had steamed on Sunday as well. She loved it!

So did the cats :)

Taking the Words Out of My Mouth

There's a post I've been struggling to write. Not because it's difficult to say, necessarily, but because I feel like it's already been written for me. 

I read a lot of foster/adoption blogs, and many of them express feelings and experiences similar to mine. But very few posts ring so true, and touch me so deeply, right into my inner soul, as the one I'm going to share with you in a few minutes.

Before you read it, you should know that even though the feelings expressed in this post are so true, and so right on the mark, it doesn't mean that I'll never be frustrated with things again. It doesn't mean I don't see the holes in this process, and that I don't cry and scream when things go badly. What it does mean is that everyone is human. And that you can't successfully go through an experience like fostering without becoming a bigger person.

But that doesn't mean that fostering is the only way to broaden your horizons on loving other human beings for who they are. I challenge you, after you've read this post, to question how you love your fellow humans- not just the ones you call friends and family, but the ones you'll never meet. People who struggle, who make poor choices, who hurt...

Check out That's my baby mama, a post by another foster/adoptive mom in Connecticut.

And then practice loving, and gratitude.

-Jenn

One of "Those People"

Not one year ago I was complaining about "those people" who plan absurd, extravagant affairs for a one year old's birthday.

Today, I'm looking at things like this for inspiration:

  

 
 

And I may have priced tents, popcorn makers, and other totally unnecessary items.

Someone stop me.

Or don't, and plan to attend a totally kickass one year old birthday party in September. Your choice. :)

Foster Care Review Boards, or, Feeling Heard (Hooray!)

First off: Today marks 4 months with Lovebug in our house! Seriously, these have been a few of the best/worst/crazy/amazing months of our lives.

Secondly: Today we attended the first meeting we've had in this process where we felt comfortable speaking freely, sharing our thoughts, and felt really heard. WOOHOO! A small bit of success in this crazy journey!

We attended the Foster Care Review Board (FCRB) meeting. The FCRB is a group of volunteers (devided by county) who get together and review foster care cases for all the kids in the county and send recommendations to the judge. They are housed under the Department of Inspections and Appeals, so they can review DHS and state attorneys without misconceptions of conflicts of interest. They review all the parties- DHS, attorneys, foster parents, birth parents, etc. To ensure that the kids are receiving the best care that they can be.

Dan and I were really nervous about this meeting at first. We had heard from other foster parents that it's intimidating and that they prefer not to attend because they feel judged and uncomfortable. Let me start by saying, we did not feel that way at all. That may be attributed to the fact that we are the only people who showed up in person (aside from the board members, obviously), but we felt very welcomed and included.

When we came in, we were greeted warmly, we introduced Lovebug and let her charm their pants off, and then we got down to business. First, we gave a very brief updated of what Lovebug was doing these days (learning to sit up on her own from a crawling position, working on learning to crawl, pull herself up, and cruise furniture). After that, the coordinator read out loud a few statements that were sent by DHS and Lovebug's attorney (who couldn't make it because of court dates for other cases). After those statements were read, we spent about half an hour discussing the case- situations that had happened, was Lovebug getting everything she needed, were there any concerns, how were her brothers around her, how was she on visits or after them, did her parents provide things at visits or what kinds of things did they do, etc. Because her brothers and their foster dad weren't able to make it, I did answer a few questions regarding them or what I understood to be the case. Nothing that I felt uncomfortable with, and only things I had concrete information to share.

Dan and I felt we were able to share important information- all of it true, concise accounts of things that had happened. I never lied, I was very careful not to let my bias interfere with what I was saying, and I never said anything that was unfair. I was also able to provide documentation of any significant issues we've had since Lovebug was in our care (just a simple timeline). For example:
"X/X/13- Text from biomom
X/X/13- Dr visit- Dr reported XYZ, suggested XYZ. Biomom/dad made aware of dr. appt on X/X/13 but did not attend.
X/X/13- Visit cancelled due to..."
It sounded like that was a helpful tool to add to their files. I will continue to keep it updated going forward.

And then, the all important question about our interest in adoption. Which, of course, we said we would be interested in.

Ultimately, I don't know how much a judge looks at these notes/recommendations, but it was great to feel validated and told that we were doing a great job because of XYZ, rather than 'Hey, thanks for being foster parents.' like anyone could do it, you just happen to be there. It means so much when people notice the specific care that is put into things for Lovebug, and the time and dedication we spend not only repairing old wounds (physical and emotional), but also preventing new ones. That we are equal partners in this process, and that we know these kids (sometimes) better than their biological parents.

Everyone who was invited will receive notes from this meeting within 15 days, and those notes will include their recommendation. I think this review board idea is the best part of the process I've dealt with yet! Thank goodness, because I don't know if I could have attended another bad meeting. :)

-Jenn

The "I" in Team

Last week we attended our first Family Team Meeting. It was an interesting experience, and while I'm not able to discuss specifics, I feel that it's important to address this meeting (or at least this type of meeting) so those of you who are beginning this process know what to look forward to.

A Family Team Meeting (or FTM, as they are referred to by most people involved in the process), is a meeting that is facilitated by an outside organization and it's designed to give everyone involved with a case the opportunity to check in and update everyone on the standings of the case. It's where problems are dealt with, and it's a chance for parents to ask for clarification or help, and ultimately create an action plan for the next month or two as the family works toward reunification. All the team players are there- parents, DHS, lawyers (for parents and kids), service providers (the visit supervisor, counselors, mentors, etc.) and anyone else that the family invites to attend.

That bolded part means that foster parents only attend these meetings if they are invited by the parents. I was pleased to have been invited to the meeting, and had hopes of getting some questions answered and some clarification about our case, as well as some permission for things Lovebug needed. While I was aware it was not a meeting for me, I figured things would be discussed that would give us a better idea of where people were at in the process.

So at this meeting they start with discussing the ground rules, the goals of the meeting (and the case), and an update of where things stand. The meetings are 'success focused', so they ask that everything brought up be in terms of the family's success (so, for example, 'visits are going really well, the way that you do XYZ with Son #1 and still manage to do XYZ with your two daughters shows that you're really mastering giving them all equal attention, But we don't feel like we can justify moving your visits to overnight right now because of XYZ'). Pretty typical stuff if you're in the human services field.

After updates are out of the way, they get to the meat of the case: what's been done, when, by whom, and what still needs to be accomplished. Who's going to take care of those tasks, by when, and what do they need to make it happen? They do this for the parents as well as each child. They end when there's a set plan for the next few weeks, and they determine when the next meeting would be appropriate to have (usually about a month or two away).

Overall, it was a hard meeting to sit through. It was hard to hear things the parents wanted, it was hard to hear them talk about things they had done, to justify decisions that had been made in the past...but mostly it was hard because I left feeling run over. I left feeling like there was no one in my corner, no one to stand up and say 'That's not the foster parent's job'. I ended up volunteering for something because I felt I had no other choice, and left feeling like my life was being taken over and ruled by the bio-parents. And I heard from the other foster parent in attendance that he felt the same way.

I was able to fix things after the meeting, and managed to deal with my emotions and move on. But I have a few nuggets of advice if you're attending an FTM:

• Go in knowing what you want, what you're willing to do and with questions you may have.
• Don't hesitate to say 'I'm going to need some time to think about that one.'
• It's OK to talk to your Iowa KidsNet support worker about the FTM, what you can expect, etc.
• Ultimately, you are your own advocate, in this meeting and in this process as a whole.
• You have a right to privacy, and if you feel uncomfortable with the level that's being disclosed, you have the right to say so.
• Finally, as with every other step of this process, remember why you are doing this. Go home, take a deep breath, and give the kiddo a hug. My guess is that anything you're dealing with is a small matter compared to what the kid has had to endure.

Have a good week!

-Jenn