ReMoved

I have struggled this week with the foster care world. Lovebug's "Bro Bro" stayed with us over the weekend, because he was "in transition"

That's the polite way of saying they had no home for him.

His former foster family was not able to have him stay in the home, due to a variety of behaviors. And so he stayed with us from Thursday until Monday morning. The last thing I knew before he came to stay with us was that we needed to drop him at school on Monday morning. The case worker would take it from there.

Have you ever had to look into the eyes of a 12 year old and tell them "No, hunny, I'm sorry. I don't know where you'll be tonight"?

I have. They were some of the hardest words I've ever had to say.

And while my brain knows that our family is not equipped to handle him, for a variety of reasons, and that we were very clear about our inability to take older children going into this process, my heart breaks for him.

It's easy to turn down older children when you don't know them. Saying no to a child whom you know extremely well, and you are still tied to (and may possibly be for the rest of his life), is much. much. harder.

And then I saw this video today, and I've been a blubbering mess all day.

(Caution: there are graphic images of domestic violence)

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

Old Wounds

Lovebug's brothers, who live with a different foster family, are being split up. There will now be three children in three different homes.

And as difficult as I know the decision was to separate them, it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Lovebug's oldest brother has always had some significant issues, and they are manifesting in pretty substantial ways lately. The stress of the case has really gotten to him. For the rest of the family he lives with, including his younger brother, it's best that he live in a different home.

I can't help but feel a little jaded about the whole foster care world, when I think about how long Lovebug's brothers were exposed to such, in one person's term, madness. For as many cases as there are like Lovebug's (she was identified early and removed promptly), there are so many more cases like her older brothers.

The first night I picked Lovebug up, I met J, her oldest brother. His first questions were "where will she sleep? do you have food for her? what about clothes?" And it broke my heart, because those were the questions of a boy who had been responsible all too often for providing for his younger siblings.

As time went on, and it was obvious that J had major issues as a result of his upbringing, I always wondered why no one brought it to the attention of DHS sooner. Why did it take this long to recognize this family, and get them the care they so desperately needed?

Over the last year, just as Lovebug has become a part of our family, so have her brothers, and their foster dad. Tonight, I pray for my family, that peace finds them all. That everyone ends up exactly where they are supposed to be.

And that the wounds of the past are patched with the love of the present, and hope for the future.

Another brick in the road

Wow. It's been a while, huh? Let me give you a brief overview of how I feel the last couple of days weeks months (yikes) have gone.

1. Lovebug got sick
2. I got sick
3. Lovebug got sick
4. I got sick
5. I got sick
6. Christmas
7. Lovebug got sick
8. I got sick
9. Valentine's Day (no one was sick for a whole month!)
10. Lovebug's 11 year old brother stayed with us for a week
11. TPR Trial
12. Lovebug got sick (are you noticing the theme yet?)

Not that sickness is the only thing that happened, it just feels like it. They say the first year is the worst, in terms of illness. And good news, we celebrated one whole year with the little munchkin on Feb. 5!

The big news, in terms of foster care world, was the TPR (termination of parental rights) trial. The trial was held on Feb. 24, and was an all day affair. Bio-mom testified for most of the morning, followed by the DHS case worker, lunch, more of the case worker, the visit supervisor, and finally rebuttal by bio-mom and the case worker.

Basically, the testimony included answering questions about the entire history of the case. Ultimately, bio-mom's lawyer attempted to establish reasons why she (bio-mom) should be given more time to complete her plan The state's attorney attempted to prove that "reasonable efforts" (a key term in foster care) had been made to reunify the family, and that it was in the best interests of the children to terminate parental rights and place them up for adoption.

What I found surprising was that I wasn't surprised about much of anything said during the trial. From what I heard, I expected to find out a lot of things I hadn't known. I give credit to the DHS caseworker and Lovebug's attorney for keeping us in the loop. I'm really impressed with both of them.

Bio-mom didn't come out looking great after trial, and frankly I felt that even her lawyer had a hard time selling her side. There were some inappropriate lines of questioning during testimony, and a few tears, but nothing as dramatic as we expected.

At the end of the day, the judge "took the matter under advisement" and will issue a ruling at a later date. We are waiting for the ruling to come (the judge has 90 days by law). Until it does, we continue with visits and the reunification plan.

If the ruling comes down and it's to terminate parental rights, then there will be one final visit within 24-48 hours. In order to rule in bio-mom's favor, there has to be a significant indication that the children could be returned home quickly, or an indication that the state did not provide reasonable efforts to help the family reunify. If that's the case, then there will be a date set to review the case again in 3-6 months.

And so we wait for the next step...

The Most Awkward (and Important) Conversation of My Life

"Children born to another mother call me 'Mom'. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." -Jody Landers*

I have struggled over the last 11 months to manage my emotions and my relationship with Lovebug's biological mother (referred to here as "K"). It has always been a priority of mine that she is treated with respect in person, and (as much as I'm capable of) in private as well.

I have always approached this relationship with the understanding that someday I may have to tell Lovebug about her. I would need to speak about K, the woman who, for all her faults, loved her children. Even though sometimes it was hard to see.

And then yesterday, I had a conversation through text with K. It was the kind of monumental conversation that reminds me that there are real people, a real family, being affected by this process.

She asked us to adopt Lovebug, if she couldn't keep her rights.

She thanked me for everything (as she has done before), and said she couldn't imagine Lovebug with anyone else. And she promised not to interfere, but requested that she not be forgotten. And that maybe we update her on how Lovebug was growing up.

And it seems like such a small request from a woman who has given me one of the greatest gifts of my life. 11 (almost 12) months of joy and love (maybe even a lifetime more).

I still can't say how much I'm willing to commit to updating her, or exactly what boundary lines we will establish. But I am more committed than ever to reminding myself that my greatest gift could be K's greatest loss. And that respect for her loss may be all I can offer in return. And that I owe her that much.




*Thanks to my friend Cassie for the quote that spoke to my heart today.

I Sorta Left You Hanging...

First, let me clarify that Lovebug is still hanging at our place and tearing the house apart! Sorry about the lack of updates! I got a new job, I have this thing called a one year old...life has been a little busy!

Let me catch you up on all the happenings in our foster world. First, nothing has changed...and everything has changed. Lovebug is still in our home, and has been. There was a brief (and I mean, one week) period where visits moved from supervised to semisupervised. In foster world terms, that indicates a change in the status of the case, towards reunification.

The change didn't last long, and things were moved back  before the end of October. So, while Lovebug's biological parents still have time to work towards reunification, in December we attended a court hearing where a trial date was set for termination of parental rights (tpr).

So, at the end of February, we will attend a day long trial to cover the history of the case and evidence will be presented for the judge to determine if every reasonable effort was made to reunify the family. The judge most likely will not decide that day whether to terminate or not. Typically it takes 30-60 days to get a ruling. Once that ruling comes, if it is to terminate, there will be one more visit for goodbyes to be said.

After that happens, the kids' lawyer (their guardian ad litem) will give permission for things while paperwork is processed to put them into the adoption phase. Dan and I, and the foster parent who has the boys, will go into the running to adopt the children.

But all of that is still many months away.

For now, we are enjoying a little 15-month old beauty with no fear and a level of smarts I'm astounded by everyday. She knows some colors, lots of words and can climb with the best of them!

The First Call: Questions to Ask Iowa KidsNet

I had mentioned in a previous post that during our PS-MAPP class, I had put together a list of questions to ask when we got our first phone call. Since Lovebug was an emergency placement that was only expected to stay for a few days to a week, I didn't end up using the sheet for her call. And since we're only ready for one little at this point, I haven't used the questions since.

But none-the-less, I think they are useful. I have a copy on my computer at work, on my Google drive (which I can access from my phone) and a printed copy in our family binder (more on that soon).

Here's the list of questions Dan and I decided were important to know in advance, when possible. Keep in mind, when children go into care (especially if it's an emergency removal), they don't always have all the answers to these questions. They will give you whatever information they have, when you ask the questions. There are some things, like race/ethnicity, that you must ask, if it matters to you. Discrimination laws prevent them from stating that information outright.

Name

Age:

Sex:

Age/DOB:

Race:

Legal Status:

Reason for Removal:

If abuse- what kind of abuse, severity:

Previous Placements or Parents History with DHS:

Siblings- How many, ages and status:

Physical Disabilities or Special Needs and Services Provided: 

Social Delays/Disabilities and Services Provided:

Dietary Needs: 

Health Needs (allergies, medications, etc.): 

Permanency Plan/Expected Length of Stay: 

Details on Visits with Birth Parents/Social Workers (supervised, length and frequency, child’s reaction, ect): 

Expectations with Birth Parents: 

Are they attending daycare- where and when: 

Is there anything I’ve forgotten that would be important to know for caring for this child: 

Hope this is helpful for someone! Soon I'll be compiling a section for tools on this blog, and it will include things like this, our Family Binder, organizing Lovebug's paperwork, etc. Come back soon and check it out!

Baby Veronica: My Take

Disclaimer: I don't have experience with ICWA, or full-blown adoption, even (yet). All I know is what it feels like to want to be a parent, to be gifted that opportunity, and to fear that it will be taken away from me. It is with that knowledge that I comment on this story.

Have you heard about Baby Veronica? I'm going to give you a run-down of the case (which has been ruled on by the Supreme Court already), as I understand it.

Baby Veronica (Baby V) was conceived by a woman and a man out of wedlock. Birth dad signed away his rights, and birth mom ultimately felt it was best that she be placed up for open adoption. Birth mom found a couple who were more than willing to involve birth mom in Baby V's life, and Baby V went to live with adoptive parents.

Before the adoption was finalized, birth dad reappears. He wants Baby V back, and says that he never would have signed his rights away if he had known that birth mom was going to give her up for adoption. The South Carolina court system ruled in favor of birth dad, and sent Baby V to live with him at the age of 2.

How? Well, he capitalized on a law designed to protect the rights of Native Americans, and to keep Native American children in touch with their culture (Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA). He claimed that because he was part Cherokee, so was Baby V, and she should remain with her Cherokee family. Birth father, who had never practiced his Cherokee roots, or belonged to a tribe, sent his blood in to be tested, and also Baby V's. Baby V's results said she was 3/256th's Cherokee.

The adoptive parents have fought, hard, for two years. At the South Carolina court, the ruling was overturned on appeal, and Baby V was ordered back to her adoptive parents. The fight continued to the Supreme Court, and a ruling was issued in June, again ordering Baby V back to her adoptive parents.

But still, Baby V has remained on Cherokee land, protected by Cherokee marshals, in Oklahoma. Her birth father was arrested in August for "interference with custodial acts". But still, Baby V remains in his custody. Yesterday, the Oklahoma courts ruled in favor of birth dad, and has ordered an emergency stay to keep Baby V where she is.

As you can probably sense, I side with the adoptive parents on this one. I can't say if I would feel differently if birth father was a practicing member of the Cherokee nation, and had been his whole life. But the way ICWA has been used in this case is really disturbing to me. It's almost as if the law is being used in the exact opposite way it was intended, and has stripped a child from a home she knew and loved, only to be catapulted into a tug of war.

As a future adoptive parent, I can assure you this is one of my worst nightmares. As a foster parent, I recognize the primary goal of reunification, and support it when it's possible. There are parents who make mistakes, who truly want and love their children, and who do whatever it takes to get them back. But when reunification isn't possible, and adoption is the next best option, why is blood more important than the home a child has grown up in?

This question hits home for me, as we inch slowly closer to signs of adoption. Now, instead of "when is Lovebug going home?", our questions tend to be more like "do you think they will find some distant relative and decide that person is a better fit than us?" I can't imagine spending two years raising Lovebug, going to adoption, and then being told that an aunt or uncle, who's never spent time with this child or called to check in, or requested a visit at all, is being chosen over my family to adopt the baby I love.

I have no doubt that Baby V's birth father loves her, and at this point, knows her well and she probably loves him too. But just because his heart pumps blood that matches hers, doesn't mean the adoptive parents' hearts are pumping less love because their blood doesn't match.

-Jenn